Fantasy Survivor Hubris Island- Episode III (The Finalists)

I have recently found that there is one other somewhat famous island that I left out of the catalogue of listed islands from episode I. This island is probably virtually unknown to the millions of little boys, and my two year old son, who care more for the trains that occupy it. The island of Sodor is home to Thomas the Train and his fellows who travel rough-shod while being overly concerned with each other’s feelings and passively aggressively resolving difficulties. No episode is complete without the use of the word “chuff” about twenty-five times and a derailment of some kind. I was going to have Seymour write this article because I am still as giddy as Roscoe P. Coltrane, the incompetent sheriff from the Dukes of Hazzard, after Duke’s first round loss in the NCAA tournament and I am finding it hard to concentrate hard enough to whip this thing together.

Classic Television: Coincidentally, The Dukes of Hazzard (‘79-‘85) was a show on CBS that preceded Dallas (‘78-‘91) on Friday nights (in the most famous cliff-hanger in all of television the country was left to wonder- who shot J.R.) in episode II of Hubris Island we found out that Randy Moss shot a J.R. (Rider that is); one of our finalists plays for Dallas (the Cowboys); Both shows just referenced were contemporaries of Fantasy Island (’78-84) which I have alluded to on several occasions in the course of my Hubris Island diatribes. I was a fan of all three shows in my youth and am a big fan of connectivity- tying seemingly unlike things together like a cerebral dot to dot game that sometimes annoys even me. I will use words made famous by Roscoe P. Coltrane to communicate how excited I am to know that Duke sucked this year; these words were often uttered by him in frustration, but will be used by me in celebration: “Gew, Gew, Gew, those Dukes, those Dukes!” Now- I will unveil the athletes who make the moral entrepreneur in me dream of treating them like a hair band from the 70s treated their guitars during the last song of an encore performance:

Terrell Owens- this Uber-receiver spit in a defensive back’s face in 2006; was deactivated by the Eagles in 2005 for conduct detrimental to the team and subsequently suspended for the rest of the year without pay; known for flamboyant touchdown celebrations such as autographing a ball he caught for a touchdown with a sharpie he pulled from his sock and slamming another ball he caught for a touchdown on the beloved star in the middle of the field in Texas stadium; faked a hamstring injury last season; berated teammates, coaches, offensive coordinaters and his own franchise (Eagles) for not celebrating his 100th career touchdown catch; hired Drew Rosenhaus, who for the purposes of this exercise shall be chained to Owens’ bicep. What’s that Drew? - “Next question”- yeah, ah, well I haven't yet asked you a question. There’s so much more, but I have to move on.

Kobe Bryant- took 24 shots in the most recent ALL STAR GAME- the rest of his conference’s four starters took 28 combined; has been suspended in back to back seasons for directing blows to the heads of his opponents and has done so on no fewer than three occasions during this season alone- he then whined about being suspended, when it was obvious the follow-through on his shot (an attempt to draw a foul) was an unnatural act as he led with his elbow- not the way to shoot a jump shot unless you are a cat with the dry heaves and back spasms who is currently undergoing chemotherapy treatments and forgetting to take his Parkinsons medication; allegedly raped a woman in a Colorado hotel room [and people say that he isn’t violent]; in his NBA professional infancy he modeled himself after Michael Jordan- including copying his mannerisms, speech patterns, etc. Phil Jackson will make an appearance as a disembodied head, as a growth out of Kobe’s elbow in much the same way that the brains behind the revolutionary scheme of overthrowing the oxygen monopoly spearheaded by the guy from the Bevery Hills Cop movies in Total Recall was revealed as a parasite-like martyr living outside the stomach of a grown man. This too is coincidental, because Jackson, who is famous for his adherence to the Zen philosophy, is a talking head windbag who could use all of the oxygen he can find.

Phil has used the words- “witch hunt” and “vendetta” to describe the NBA league office’s approach to prima donna Kobe as they level fines and suspensions for Kobe’s uncanny ability to strike a blow to the faces of opponents who play within the rules. There hasn’t been this unnatural an attraction, (as elbow meets cranium) almost magnetic really, since Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson hooked up on the Surreal life. Phil’s contention- Kobe isn’t that bad a guy- yeah, and Darth Vader wasn’t that bad a guy when he was choking his underlings to death when they came up too quick on the rebel base from hyper-space.

Barry Bonds- will likely break Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record this season; has "allegedly" used steroids or HGH for at least the last 7 years, which helped him to hit 73 homeruns in 2001, the single season record; was never made to go before Congress to answer any questions about alleged steroid, or HGH use; has been an aloof and surly, some would say- bitchy person his entire career, and most fans who aren’t black and therefore are being objective about how much of an asshole he is, and who live outside of San Francisco hate the bloated bastard. Keep in mind- his shoe size went up from 10 ½ to 13 AS AN ADULT. So, he either suffers from pituitary gigantism, the same malady suffered by Andre the Giant, or he used performance enhancing drugs.

Electroshock and Schadenfreude- Ok, that is my space for this time. Next time I will further discuss their sins and call the effers to account- perhaps with a scene or two from an episode of Hubris Fantasy Island. I’m tired of their antics, and almost tired of the feeling of disgust that comes over me when I see or hear of their immoral or illegal actions. I should very much like to treat them like Katrina treated New Orleans. This is sometimes referred to as Schadenfreude, a German word meaning 'pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune' even if it only happens in my own mind. I should like to misfortune them (to change a word from a noun to a verb). But, since no government or law enforcement agency will give me the power to perform electroshock therapy, this is the best I may be able to hope for.

Dot to Dot- I know- the fewer than none readers of this column don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. But making stuff up can be fun. Being understood never was one of my strong points and this blog while pretty ridiculous and self-serving is still more significant than a professional tennis player autographing the camera lens with a sharpie after winning a quarterfinal tennis match in a tournament no one has ever heard of.

Next time- that mystery guest I promised is whoever has decided that the current college football bowl system is a good idea, and that a playoff scenario should not be adopted.