As far as famous islands go (and famous events which happen upon islands) you have- Gilligan’s Island (campy), Castaway (cinematic), Lost (surreal, magic TV), Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe (literary), the Falkland Islands (British military, historical), and the Bermuda Triangle (hoax journalistic creation). Oh, and one more- Fantasy Island.
Contagious back spasms and snowtopia: I had problems getting to a column with the pandemonium produced from Minnesota’s first and second snowtastrophes of 2007 just behind us. My back hurts from all the shoveling- I wonder if back ailments, such as back spasms, are viruses and so are unpredictably contagious. Why else would two different fantasy players on my team be unable to play, in successive games, due to spasms of the back, after being healthy the entire year? I lost two friggin games because of that apparently contagious back spasm malady- sonsabitches.
Fantasy Island: At any rate- I was bored and I hate successful athletes almost as much as I hate politicians who lie and misspend my money, so I concocted a premise as a weak knock-off of a combination of Survivor (who now sends losers of challenges to Exile Island) and Fantasy Island- the goofy late 70s drama where epiphanies were to be had by every guest star. Participants are famous derelict sports figures who represent the epitome of what it is to be unconscionable and whose haughty demeanor has earned them a ticket to my reality special I'm calling- Hubris Island! Mr. Rourke shall be proud of the way we have welcomed them, without letting them know we shall be running them through the ringer. Unless I’m mistaken, he would be delighted to know that they have all brought their own Tattoos. See what I did there?
Almighty Hubris: Hubris is an old word for excessive pride as a mortal shortcoming and was used quite often in Greek tragedies as a character flaw for major protagonists. I am using it as the ultimate rationale for bitch-slapping the Hubris Fantasy island candidates. Often enough the audience, for Greek plays were more appreciated as performances on stage than as good reads, would be drawn to empathize with the plight of the hero because of this flaw. Well, we here on our Fantasy Hubris Island show no such mercy, for these cretins have violated every law of human decency and their behavior is seemingly innately narcissistic. The fact that these athletes are assholes shall earn them no reward or immunity idol, no food, no respite from the grind of searching for bugs to eat or sweaty, flat-stomached white women to sleep with. No, you shall be beaten severely when you are voted off of this island.
Our Mandate: This week, due to space- I shall start in the middle of our story and reveal some participants who were judged to be slightly smaller scale assholes than those I'll get to next time. We have already pummelled them in our dreams. We shall reveal who wins for losing, without the public being the wiser, without being involved, without seeing the “alleged” cheating. So, without further ado- I give you our justification, our mandate from which thought we decided that it is better to punish the evil brought about by men and not let a jury to further allow their transgressions:
“The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." Albert Einstein
Livin’ the dream: So, with that in mind- play in your head the sound of Wayne and Garth going into dream sequence as I introduce those who have been ceremoniously exiled and earned a stiff ass-kicking on their way out- keep in mind- these guys are criminal in their behavior and fail to reflect on their sins in the way that I can no longer tolerate:
Bill Romanowski, Mark McGwire, Jose Conseco, Dennis Rodman, Stephen Jackson, George Steinbrenner, Pacman Jones, Latrell Sprewell, Todd Bertuzzi
These gentlemen have broken the eye sockets of TEAMMATES in practice, avoided steroid questions while being questioned by Congress, kicked cameramen in the jewels, fired guns outside of night-clubs, fired managers on a whim, slammed strippers heads on tables, choked coaches, stated that a three year, $21 million contract is an insult and it wouldn't be enough to feed his family, and ended the career of an opponent by sucker-punching him from behind and driving his face into the ice. We lay down the Hammurabi and cosa nostra type law here on Hubris Island. Some contestants have been horribly facially disfigured- which is an improvement in most cases- so that back acne is no longer their biggest problem- besides- many of them weren't much to look at to begin with. If you have the unmitigated nerve to do crap like that- you come here, we quickly pass sentence- and we beat the hell out of you. This may seem harsh, even for a dream-blog, but a guy has to dream doesn’t he? Besides, juries failed to convict a double-murderer- so when OJ got here- we castrated him.
No character: my major character trait is irreverence- at least I have one more than our contestants. I am just indulging myself and hope that my wife doesn’t remove a link to this column from her blog because of my offensive nature- course, you can’t get fewer than no one to read my blogs anyway- just as you can’t make the album cover for the Spinal Tap black album- more black. This is therapy for me- and when you see who the semi-finalists and finalists are, and read just some of their transgressions next week, you will ask if there is video of the corporal punishment scenes. I wish gentle reader- I wish. These men have violated the laws of human decency and I would rather have a chronic back spasm virus and spritz ass-smell cologne on myself every morning than to suffer these criminals of conscience any longer.
Next week: the semi-finalists.
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