More contestants were recently voted off- so their bruises are fresh- again, in the interest of space, I narrowed down their crimes as much as I possibly could. Here are the semi-finalists:
Daunte Culpepper- asked for more money while playing the not appreciated or respected cards following a season in which he threw 6 TDs and 12 INTs and suffered a career maligning knee injury; he then refused to rehab with Vikings trainers or meet with new Viking’s coaches; he was embarrassed about his role in alleged illegal activities aboard a chartered vessel that also transported imported hookers from Georgia; he was found innocent of any charges but he’s a professional athlete- they’re not held accountable for anything- not even when you’re the starting quarterback and can’t figure out you aren’t smart enough to play the position. His fate: after a botched brain surgery, during which doctors place quarterbacking instincts into his brain, he is told to follow a bouncing ball into a busy street. Once he catches up to the ball and grasps it in his hand, he displays the pocket presence instincts he is famous for by being caught unaware by a steam-roller. Those who have followed Viking’s football will get the irony here and may get their celebratory roll on.
Mike Tyson- bit Holyfield’s ear off in a heavyweight title fight; domestic violence; a rape for which he was convicted and imprisoned; countless acts of violence, plenty of which have likely gone unpublicized; kept Don King employed- I can’t waste my time with a google search coming up with more strikes against this guy. His fate: The dozens of women he has battered throughout his life are allowed to beat him beyond recognition.
Randy Moss- almost drove over a female traffic control officer in a 2002 altercation attempting an illegal turn; during a playoff game against the Rams he was penalized and fined for squirting water at an official; left the sidelines prior to the end of a game in Washington; is infamous for his line “I play when I want to play”; he frequently gives half-efforts on running plays and passing plays where the play is not designed for him; he either has a hash-mark allergy, post-traumatic stress disorder from a hit taken in infancy while playing keep away, or is slowly becoming a reptile (think “alligator arms”)- because he will not extend the aforementioned appendages in order to catch a ball thrown over the middle. He is a wide RECEIVER. His fate: force him to smoke so much spleef that he is banned for life from the league- he will eventually befriend J.R. (Isaiah) Rider. He and Rider will gun each other down in a disagreement over . . . over- hmmm, the options- awe, who the hell cares- they’re gone.
Michael Irvin- former Dallas Cowboys Hall-of-Fame wide-receiver- has the forum, on ESPN’s NFL pregame show, to irrationally support and agree with the ridiculous Terrel Owens’ every comment and action. He hardly ever knows what he is talking about and the other analysts hardly ever call him on it. Bombast should never be mistaken for truth- (except when it is written in Don't Read This). I thought you removed the jokers from a deck of cards when you wanted to play a real game. His fate: take remedial English classes, and learn how to do more research. The lions from the recent Taco Bell commercial about "carne asada" (spelling?) who reference Ricardo Montalban will first suckle on his throat so he can't spew falsity and then eat his arms to the shoulder so he can't grab the wrists of his neighbors on the set of the ESPN NFL pregame show in a gesture of togetherness, that the others clearly despise, which is a nonverbal ploy designed to disguise his lack of knowledge about the topic at hand.
Ron Artest- suspicion of domestic violence; instigated a riot in a 2004 regular season game against the Pistons earning a full year suspension; thinking that because he has achieved success in one walk of life- releases a rap album and wants to take time off from a basketball season that just started so he can promote it even though he is paid millions of dollars to play basketball. Attempts to atone for the recent domestic violence charge by delivering his apology in the third person. Janus hasn’t hated the use of third person references as much since Herschel Walker went courting a career in the bobsled industry. His fate: counseling, a kick to the love jewels and a lifetime supply of Prozac, Ritalin and bipolar medications that a midget must anally administer. What’s that? Oh, the spirit of Hervé Villechaize, has made himself available.
Next time on Survivor Hubris Fantasy Island- we’ll meet the finalists- Kobe Bryant, Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, and a mystery finalist.
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