Salad Bars, Imams, Spitting in Urinals, and a Tradition Unlike any Other

Just a few random observations for this week (Episode III of Fantasy Survivor Hubris Island will be next week). Everyone wanted to chime in with something, as there is just too much going on in the world. I'm positively giddy after Duke's first round loss in the NCAA tournament so I couldn't concentrate on such an involved undertaking as Hubris Island and begged for a little help from others.

Seymour Correctly- I don’t understand these yahoos who introduce themselves to a urinal they’ll bond with for upwards of 60 seconds by spitting into it. I don’t get the habitual or instinctive reason for this, but perhaps it is a form of territorial regression- where some guys are more like dogs- which would be peculiar in that the way dogs mark their territory is by leaving their scent, which often comes in the form of . . . yeah, pissing on a tree. And since a guy is about to do that- I don’t get the point. I was not aware of the likelihood that at the exact moment a guy has to take a piss, he would also have to expel stored saliva from his yap. Maybe I’m overlooking the possibility that the spitting which always comes before eliminating the urine could be seen as an introduction- like- “hello urinal, you think this spit is bad, well, get ready for the yellow stream that wreaks of asparagus, Spaghettios, or super golden crisp. Seymour is a 60 year old, white curmudgeonly near-retiree.

Lilly-Aan Matigend- Going into the salad bar line is a tough business. Normally there are two sides to pick from and if you get caught ahead of one of those people who get the lettuce and the dressing and won’t bud in line because they think it is proper not to is infuriating. I like eggs, cauliflower, beets, broccoli, cheese, carrots, croutons, sunflower seeds, and bean sprouts on my salad. If you only want a couple of things on your plate, then move around, do not stand next to me huffing because I am not moving fast enough for you. I have seen what Janus puts on his salad- he has no idea of what the lettuce to dressing metric conversion is supposed to be. I love Target, but I'm boycotting them because of their stance on employing people who don't play by our rules- either that or when I decide to ban all salad bars and start buying all ingredients at Super Target I'll find that I absolutely cannot suffer a salad without ham chunks or bacon bits. Lilly-Aan is a 45 year old refined high-brow woman living a privileged life; Her name “Aan Matigend” is Dutch for “pretentious”.

Janus- One thing on Kobe Bryant. Recently he scored 65 points in a game and followed that up with a 50 point effort. Last year he scored the second most points in a game (81) in the history of the league. People, the rules changes allowing minimal contact on perimeter players have defenders treating shooting guards like you treat a new piece of tupperware you can only put on the top rack of your dishwasher if you want to keep it in pristine condition. Michael Jordan would have AVERAGED 45 points a game a few times in his career if the rules were such as they are now. Often, when playing the Pistons or Knicks, Jordan had to actually dig his own grave on the way to the basket because of all the physical contact he could expect. Now the league has a set of rules that makes “defenders” usher wing players into the lane like they are waving in commercial airliners. Even the Sportscenter guys don’t have enough perspective to compare how NBA rules have changed and are wowed by Kobe's displays of offensive prowess, which is undeniable, but he is not without peer.

Republican Bob Occupe- Just last week four Minnesota Democratic House members introduced a bill to be presented to the legislature which would be included as a constitutional amendment to let cities allow noncitizen permanent residents to vote. Let me clarify that- to allow illegal immigrants the RIGHT to vote in this country. Friggin' Liberal bastards! This news is coupled with the story of Imams reportedly acting like terrorists (making anti-American comments) on a plane and then suing US Airways for an alleged civil rights violation because they were removed from the flight, though they were the party being offensive. Also, let us not forget the Muslim cab drivers who refused to pick up fares that were transvestites, or who were transporting alcohol or canines, etc. . . . Oh, or the female Target employee who has convinced an entire corporation, industry and all liberals everywhere that it is against her religion to handle pork products. And there is a constant debate over the right to pray on the job which takes away from a worker's productivity, when you consider how often some of them are praying. The government has in place laws to protect minorities and encourage the hiring of immigrants, but who protects the legal citizens whose country is being stripped from them? Sounds pretty much like a union to me. Unions protect the derelict much more than they protect the diligent. Racism, by illegal immigrants- a tradition unlike any other. Thay are training us to be conciliatory, to bow to their will, to feel guilty enough so that in twenty years we won't have the strength to fight back, or the numbers- given how many of them are conyinually let in. Bob is a 27 year old Republican- who can't fathom that the middle class would have a complaint about anything, particularly on the subject of how they are doing economically.

E.B. Cliche- Word- Yo, I wanna just watch da games boyyyy! There haven’t been dat many upsets in da NCAA tourney man, but still some good games. Da on’y thing flatlinin’ the buzz is da commercials fo’ gulf. Dere’s too many timeoutz in a game and evry udder break has the damn Mastaz ad. Jim Nantz says- it is “a tradition unlike any udder . . . da Mastaz.” Tired of it, harshin’ the house mellow. We know Tiga is gonna win it anyways. Just as a reminder- don’t forget about da Mastaz. A tradition unlike any udder is the constant reminder that the Mastaz is coming up during my tourney games. And hey, da Cuse was robbed- they should have gotten an NCAA tourney bid- even if they didn’t leave da state of New York to play a game until January. [He means Syracuse. “Cuse”=Syracuse] Cliché is a white 18 year old high school student from the inner city. Do we have any editors at all on staff?

Thanks everyone.

Next week- I'll continue with the Hubris Island series- which would probably offend some readers- should there actually be any. Did I mention that I have ceased being disturbed by the idea of cartoon ducks not wearing any pants? I can hardly be concerned with that when I have to go tell Cliche that he shall never contribute to my column that no one reads ever again. I'd rather drink all of my liquids using a retired specimen cup. Hell, the over/under is set at 3 1/2 on how many illigitimate children Cliche is going to have with apostrophes in their names. Ok, well, I have some sports related personalities to flog. I'd tell you what we did with Bobby Knight but I always get so choked up when I seem him still hanging around. That darn Seymour- he always picks such an appropriate punishment. Good day.