The present letter is a very long one, simply because I had no leisure to make it shorter.
- Blaise Pascal
Why?- Baseball’s short off-season is essentially over as pitchers and catchers will soon begin reporting. The NCAA basketball tournament that comprises “March Madness” is not yet upon us; and the NFL season has just ended- so why in the hell would someone write a jumble of things about sports that don’t seem all that timely? Yeah, I’m crazy- I really should be writing about how I should take a Condiment Allocation Technique class so that I could learn how much ketchup, barbecue sauce, mayonnaise, mustard, and salad dressing I should use on my food, because I can’t test out of the most remedial of condiment-usage classes. But, no one would read that blog either . . .
Frick(in) asterisks- It was Ford Frick, who as commissioner of baseball in 1961, added an asterisk to Roger Maris' record of 61 home runs in a season because he played in 8 more games than did Babe Ruth- (Ruth hit 60 homers in 1927). Some revisionists have claimed that this is unfair. Why? With 8 more games played- that equates to roughly 30 more at bats- 30 more chances to hit a home run than Ruth had. Napoleon said: "Ability is nothing without opportunity". Of course, he was probably applying that more toward the hostile military takeover of countries than to an athlete’s total number of chances at success or victory; even so, the quote is just as applicable to sports as it is to despotism- (the two may be more closely aligned than one might think- think of Adolf Hitler and Duke basketball- more on this later). It seems that Frick’s fine use of the asterisk is the best thing done by a commissioner since the Sistine Chapel was commissioned by Pope Julius II in 1508. Yep, about 450 years separate great decisions by commissioners. As the baseball season gets underway, and Bonds strides closer to Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record- Bud Selig, as commissioner should put at least one asterisk next to Bonds’ name in the record book, because the guy has been using steroids for at least the last 5 years which enabled him to hit so many home runs.
The wealth of opportunity- Along with the increase in the number of games added to the regular season in baseball, there have been more teams qualifying for the playoffs in baseball, football, hockey, and college and professional basketball over the past 30 years. Aside from providing more owners in the leagues, and the leagues themselves with increased revenue, it affords more individuals and teams to win games and break records set in shorter post-seasons. When assessing degrees of success in sports, as in life, you must gauge the opportunities one has and if the opportunities are unequal to another competitors then you have to be objective about the achievement- and use asterisks if you have to. It may seem as if noting where the playing field is not exactly level is a nuance of the game that many sports fans overlook.
* when an ESPN anchor indicates that Andy Petitte is the pitcher who has won the most games in the post-season, an asterisk should be next to his name which indicates that he had three times the opportunities as Whitey Ford.
* when Barry Bonds breaks Henry Aaron's career home run record an asterisk should go in the record books which indicates that he used steroids. The opportunity, and likely the inclination, were never there for Hank Aaron to do the same. Yeah, this is a stretch of my theme about objectivity and opportunity, but I felt like nailing Bonds.
* when it is stated that Mike Krzyzewski holds the record for most coaching victories in the NCAA tournament (66)- it must be kept in mind that two additional rounds were added in the late 70s, a few years after John Wooden (47 victories) retired. Duke coach Krzyzewski plays cupcake opponents the first two rounds every year- there was tougher competition for Wooden. John Wooden won 10 National Championships- give him 20 more wins (two for each year he won the title because the field was much smaller than the 64 teams that have particpated since 1979, four years after Wooden retired) and one more for each of the championship years because they gave byes to the top seeds- and Wooden would have 77 tournament wins. Coach K will still break that record, but Coach Ke has already coached more NCAA tournament games (87) than Wooden who has coached no more than 70.
* Kobe Bryant took four fewer shots (24) in last night’s ALL-STAR GAME than the rest of the Western Conference’s starting lineup combined; the epitome of selfish; this guy elbowed an opponent in the head in an unnatural follow-through to his shot after it was blocked a couple of weeks ago and complained that he was suspended for one game; then you see the former NBA brainiacs complain that Kobe should not have been suspended at all, that the punishment is extreme because he doesn’t have a history of violence- he was suspended last year for going after someone’s head in a regular season game; his elbows could have been registered as lethal weapons during the Lakers’ first round playoff series with the Phoenix Suns last year, and lest we forget, he “allegedly” anally raped a woman in a Colorado hotel room a few years ago (yeah, there is no history of violence there);
* Shawne Merriman, a linebacker for the San Diego Chargers, was suspended for four games under the NFL’s substance abuse policy and was judged worthy enough to go to the Pro Bowl . . . after a season in which he was suspended for using an illegal drug that enhanced his performance;
* Next, someone will tell me that a NASCAR driver will be allowed to race in the Daytona 500 after his car’s engine will be found to contain a substance used in jet fuel . . . what’s that? Oh, that just happened- unbelievable judgment displayed by the governing bodies of professional sports.
I would rather- defend Richard Simmons as a heterosexual, teach a sheep to de-tassle a field of corn, or be forced to have sex with a female pig, knowing my life depended on them having a good time- and being aware that it takes them 30 minutes to climax (hello Viagra) than to teach my son that one player or coach is better than someone else simply because they have taken the most shots or scored the most points, hit the most home runs, have the most victories, or even because they have the most asterisks next to their name. Sometimes the asterisk is the mark of shame; sometimes it denotes special achievement; sometimes it qualifies the numbers or the words that follow it and sometimes, to me at least, it is noticeably absent from the shreds of information people see fit to include as the weight of one man's athletic achievement. I will teach my son to be aware that those that write history and the history of sports are human *.
* - human and therefore flawed
Monday, February 19, 2007
Sunday, February 4, 2007
A Modest Proposal . . . for the treatment of books written by “Celebrity” “Authors”
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the total estimated cost to raise a child to age 18, based on a report filed in 2004 is $269k, and that does not include college. According to me, in a 2006 realization- too many celebrities are publishing children’s books. So, using this line of deductive reasoning- I’ve concluded that all infant spiders love vanilla ice cream. Ok, just kidding.
But Seriously: Katie Couric, John Travolta, John Lithgow, Jerry Seinfeld, Jayne Seymour and Jamie Lee Curtis are all “authors” of children’s books. The phenomenon of celebrities writing books for children isn’t a new one- as Karen Macpherson, writing for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, cited the Hollywood heavyweight names of Roy Rogers, Frank Sinatra, Shirley Temple and Elizabeth Taylor as famous people who have added the term child’s book “author” to their list of accomplishments. Just this past year- Terrell Owens wrote a book that boasted the title- “Little T Learns to Share”, quite a lesson in morality I’m sure. I would rather have my life depend on my ability to teach a cricket to dress seductively enough to land a tiger shark, than to be forced to read a book written by Owens. He has a better chance of becoming a participant in a dog orgy than to participate in an activity that might resemble moral behavior. Thankfully however, only one children’s book “written” by a celebrity has made it into my house and I’m considering burning that one when I start up the annual Super Bowl day fire this afternoon.
The Magically Mysterious Adventures: When my son goes to the shelf to select a book for me to read to him and unwittingly decides upon Gloria Estefan’s book- “Noelle the Bulldog” a part of me dies inside. I cringe and convulse and sweat as if I’ve been told I have fish odor syndrome and feel as if I am being treated like the guy from "A Clockwork Orange" in order to suffer through my son’s take on aversion therapy. I must answer to my son’s demand of being read to while sardonically delivering near-rhymes Estefan’s tarot card reader probably came up with. As I’m weeping uncontrollably after reading such couplets as:
Then they swam close together and, lifting her high,
Put her back on dry land and at once they all cried,
AND
We thought everyone everywhere knew how to swim.
So did I, said Noelle. That’s why I jumped in.
I can also almost feel my ears bleeding. Dreaming at once that I should be thankful for not being able to hear such worthless crap, while thinking how I must sound to my son if I cannot hear my own words (hey, my ears are bleeding- I’m a realist). I would sound as if I had taken too much of Seymour Correctly’s heart medication.*
Father, son, and holy cow: I read the books my son wants me to read, or doesn’t yet know he wants me to read, and I’ve started doing the same for my daughter. The two of them are so darn cute and precious you want to do something as integral and fun as read to them. What else am I going to do- BLOG? Just two weeks ago I got my four-month-old daughter to giggle for the first time without cheating. Meaning- I was being a dork without tickling her. My son has taken to consecrating bovines with his familiar- "holy cow"- hilarious. As a parent you have to: keep your kids from throwing food on the floor, be prepared to change their diaper 8 times a day, keep them from drinking their own bath water, keep them from eating books (more on this below), and watch Johnny and the Sprites. Yuck! Sometimes I think I would rather give a chihuahua a prostate exam.
The joys of parenting: Trying to put socks on a baby is more difficult than getting a night-crawler on a hook on a windy day when you’re fishing on Lake Mille Lacs. The frenzied or happy kicking is the equivalent to rock-em sock-em robots . Kids say things like “fun” when you ask them how their hot dog is or how their nap was- this is priceless. It would be interesting to know the etymology of the word “saw” when it is used by a toddler as a synonym for any type of fan- (even the one that keeps the big boar cool at the Minnesota State Fair). Between their cooing and how it feels to hold them as they squirm as infants to cleaning up their #2s that are “five wipe jobs” and q-tipping French toast vomit from a heat register, you can’t help but love them; to slightly alter a line from “Apocalypse Now”- “there’s nothing like the smell”** of heated vomit in the afternoon. The other life I might have lived had I not been married and been fortunate enough to have kids, I miss in my mind every day, but it is hard to equal the innocence and dependence of a little child who depends on you, or the woman you love who is much more adept at being depended upon.
The subjection of children . . . and adults: The fact that you love your kids so much makes it hard to subject them- and you, to the reality of published books that bear the name of someone whose fame was initially derived from acting, or singing, or just general notoriety. Case in point- if Madonna can publish a book for children- what’s next? Courtney Love’s ode to virginity for little girls. My son is fast approaching his second birthday and we have repeatedly STOPPED him from consuming books. The floor of our house is blanketed with frayed Disney, Sesame Street, and Sandra Boynton books because of my son's teething. These are respected, legitimate page-turners, that kids have grown up with for years. It would be sad to know that respected children's books such as “Goodnight Moon” or “Where the Wild Things Are” were written by someone whose only reason for getting published was because they thought they were qualified, were disillusioned by the mundane nature of their hollywood lives or because people know they are celebrities. I first became aware of this unfortunate success of the unworthy authors in the entertainment business when I heard Jimmy Stewart recite a poem he wrote about cats on the Johnny Carson show. Jimmy Stewart- American icon, marginal actor- not a poet.
Another modest proposal: in 1729 Jonathon Swift published a revolutionary satirical essay he called- “A Modest Proposal”. In 2007 I plan to gather my notes and write a children’s book that contains much of the material contained in the Joys of parenting paragraph above- as I am not a celebrity and actually have a talent for writing and have never been famous- I don't imagine it will be published- lest I publish it myself. My advice for all parents out there, to combat this onslaught of unqualified “authors” is somewhat akin to what Swift proposed in his essay so many years ago- he tongue in cheek advocated the poor of Ireland sell their children to be used as food as a way of earning money. All I’m doing is urging people to not buy books “written” by “celebrities” so that those who have great ideas and have yet to lead interesting lives can do so by getting their child’s book or novel published. Jealous? Yes, and mindful that publishers may use some of the money gained from celebrity authors to attempt to push books written by non celebrities, I am indeed disgusted by an untalented person, in any field, rewarded for something they have not earned. Celebrity "authors" should feel the way the Pittsburgh Steelers should have felt after "winning" last year's Super Bowl- because of all the blown calls by the officials- they should feel as if they had not earned their "achievement". My idea- what to tell your child if you see a book written by LL Cool J, Tyra Banks, Eminem or Reese Witherspoon come into your house and your aural-staged infant on their way to toddler-dum acquires a "taste" for it- hmmm . . . what to tell them . . . bon appetit!
Postscript- 1) Synchronicity at its finest- Gloria Estefan introduced the opening act at the Super Bowl; 2) My son has the flu- don't have time for a fire- guess I'll have to burn her book next weekend.
* See Seymour’s two part guest column on racism from January 3rd and 12th. A side effect of heart medication is a thick tongue.
** The rest of the line is- “napalm in the morning.”
But Seriously: Katie Couric, John Travolta, John Lithgow, Jerry Seinfeld, Jayne Seymour and Jamie Lee Curtis are all “authors” of children’s books. The phenomenon of celebrities writing books for children isn’t a new one- as Karen Macpherson, writing for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, cited the Hollywood heavyweight names of Roy Rogers, Frank Sinatra, Shirley Temple and Elizabeth Taylor as famous people who have added the term child’s book “author” to their list of accomplishments. Just this past year- Terrell Owens wrote a book that boasted the title- “Little T Learns to Share”, quite a lesson in morality I’m sure. I would rather have my life depend on my ability to teach a cricket to dress seductively enough to land a tiger shark, than to be forced to read a book written by Owens. He has a better chance of becoming a participant in a dog orgy than to participate in an activity that might resemble moral behavior. Thankfully however, only one children’s book “written” by a celebrity has made it into my house and I’m considering burning that one when I start up the annual Super Bowl day fire this afternoon.
The Magically Mysterious Adventures: When my son goes to the shelf to select a book for me to read to him and unwittingly decides upon Gloria Estefan’s book- “Noelle the Bulldog” a part of me dies inside. I cringe and convulse and sweat as if I’ve been told I have fish odor syndrome and feel as if I am being treated like the guy from "A Clockwork Orange" in order to suffer through my son’s take on aversion therapy. I must answer to my son’s demand of being read to while sardonically delivering near-rhymes Estefan’s tarot card reader probably came up with. As I’m weeping uncontrollably after reading such couplets as:
Then they swam close together and, lifting her high,
Put her back on dry land and at once they all cried,
AND
We thought everyone everywhere knew how to swim.
So did I, said Noelle. That’s why I jumped in.
I can also almost feel my ears bleeding. Dreaming at once that I should be thankful for not being able to hear such worthless crap, while thinking how I must sound to my son if I cannot hear my own words (hey, my ears are bleeding- I’m a realist). I would sound as if I had taken too much of Seymour Correctly’s heart medication.*
Father, son, and holy cow: I read the books my son wants me to read, or doesn’t yet know he wants me to read, and I’ve started doing the same for my daughter. The two of them are so darn cute and precious you want to do something as integral and fun as read to them. What else am I going to do- BLOG? Just two weeks ago I got my four-month-old daughter to giggle for the first time without cheating. Meaning- I was being a dork without tickling her. My son has taken to consecrating bovines with his familiar- "holy cow"- hilarious. As a parent you have to: keep your kids from throwing food on the floor, be prepared to change their diaper 8 times a day, keep them from drinking their own bath water, keep them from eating books (more on this below), and watch Johnny and the Sprites. Yuck! Sometimes I think I would rather give a chihuahua a prostate exam.
The joys of parenting: Trying to put socks on a baby is more difficult than getting a night-crawler on a hook on a windy day when you’re fishing on Lake Mille Lacs. The frenzied or happy kicking is the equivalent to rock-em sock-em robots . Kids say things like “fun” when you ask them how their hot dog is or how their nap was- this is priceless. It would be interesting to know the etymology of the word “saw” when it is used by a toddler as a synonym for any type of fan- (even the one that keeps the big boar cool at the Minnesota State Fair). Between their cooing and how it feels to hold them as they squirm as infants to cleaning up their #2s that are “five wipe jobs” and q-tipping French toast vomit from a heat register, you can’t help but love them; to slightly alter a line from “Apocalypse Now”- “there’s nothing like the smell”** of heated vomit in the afternoon. The other life I might have lived had I not been married and been fortunate enough to have kids, I miss in my mind every day, but it is hard to equal the innocence and dependence of a little child who depends on you, or the woman you love who is much more adept at being depended upon.
The subjection of children . . . and adults: The fact that you love your kids so much makes it hard to subject them- and you, to the reality of published books that bear the name of someone whose fame was initially derived from acting, or singing, or just general notoriety. Case in point- if Madonna can publish a book for children- what’s next? Courtney Love’s ode to virginity for little girls. My son is fast approaching his second birthday and we have repeatedly STOPPED him from consuming books. The floor of our house is blanketed with frayed Disney, Sesame Street, and Sandra Boynton books because of my son's teething. These are respected, legitimate page-turners, that kids have grown up with for years. It would be sad to know that respected children's books such as “Goodnight Moon” or “Where the Wild Things Are” were written by someone whose only reason for getting published was because they thought they were qualified, were disillusioned by the mundane nature of their hollywood lives or because people know they are celebrities. I first became aware of this unfortunate success of the unworthy authors in the entertainment business when I heard Jimmy Stewart recite a poem he wrote about cats on the Johnny Carson show. Jimmy Stewart- American icon, marginal actor- not a poet.
Another modest proposal: in 1729 Jonathon Swift published a revolutionary satirical essay he called- “A Modest Proposal”. In 2007 I plan to gather my notes and write a children’s book that contains much of the material contained in the Joys of parenting paragraph above- as I am not a celebrity and actually have a talent for writing and have never been famous- I don't imagine it will be published- lest I publish it myself. My advice for all parents out there, to combat this onslaught of unqualified “authors” is somewhat akin to what Swift proposed in his essay so many years ago- he tongue in cheek advocated the poor of Ireland sell their children to be used as food as a way of earning money. All I’m doing is urging people to not buy books “written” by “celebrities” so that those who have great ideas and have yet to lead interesting lives can do so by getting their child’s book or novel published. Jealous? Yes, and mindful that publishers may use some of the money gained from celebrity authors to attempt to push books written by non celebrities, I am indeed disgusted by an untalented person, in any field, rewarded for something they have not earned. Celebrity "authors" should feel the way the Pittsburgh Steelers should have felt after "winning" last year's Super Bowl- because of all the blown calls by the officials- they should feel as if they had not earned their "achievement". My idea- what to tell your child if you see a book written by LL Cool J, Tyra Banks, Eminem or Reese Witherspoon come into your house and your aural-staged infant on their way to toddler-dum acquires a "taste" for it- hmmm . . . what to tell them . . . bon appetit!
Postscript- 1) Synchronicity at its finest- Gloria Estefan introduced the opening act at the Super Bowl; 2) My son has the flu- don't have time for a fire- guess I'll have to burn her book next weekend.
* See Seymour’s two part guest column on racism from January 3rd and 12th. A side effect of heart medication is a thick tongue.
** The rest of the line is- “napalm in the morning.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
