I have recently found that there is one other somewhat famous island that I left out of the catalogue of listed islands from episode I. This island is probably virtually unknown to the millions of little boys, and my two year old son, who care more for the trains that occupy it. The island of Sodor is home to Thomas the Train and his fellows who travel rough-shod while being overly concerned with each other’s feelings and passively aggressively resolving difficulties. No episode is complete without the use of the word “chuff” about twenty-five times and a derailment of some kind. I was going to have Seymour write this article because I am still as giddy as Roscoe P. Coltrane, the incompetent sheriff from the Dukes of Hazzard, after Duke’s first round loss in the NCAA tournament and I am finding it hard to concentrate hard enough to whip this thing together.
Classic Television: Coincidentally, The Dukes of Hazzard (‘79-‘85) was a show on CBS that preceded Dallas (‘78-‘91) on Friday nights (in the most famous cliff-hanger in all of television the country was left to wonder- who shot J.R.) in episode II of Hubris Island we found out that Randy Moss shot a J.R. (Rider that is); one of our finalists plays for Dallas (the Cowboys); Both shows just referenced were contemporaries of Fantasy Island (’78-84) which I have alluded to on several occasions in the course of my Hubris Island diatribes. I was a fan of all three shows in my youth and am a big fan of connectivity- tying seemingly unlike things together like a cerebral dot to dot game that sometimes annoys even me. I will use words made famous by Roscoe P. Coltrane to communicate how excited I am to know that Duke sucked this year; these words were often uttered by him in frustration, but will be used by me in celebration: “Gew, Gew, Gew, those Dukes, those Dukes!” Now- I will unveil the athletes who make the moral entrepreneur in me dream of treating them like a hair band from the 70s treated their guitars during the last song of an encore performance:
Terrell Owens- this Uber-receiver spit in a defensive back’s face in 2006; was deactivated by the Eagles in 2005 for conduct detrimental to the team and subsequently suspended for the rest of the year without pay; known for flamboyant touchdown celebrations such as autographing a ball he caught for a touchdown with a sharpie he pulled from his sock and slamming another ball he caught for a touchdown on the beloved star in the middle of the field in Texas stadium; faked a hamstring injury last season; berated teammates, coaches, offensive coordinaters and his own franchise (Eagles) for not celebrating his 100th career touchdown catch; hired Drew Rosenhaus, who for the purposes of this exercise shall be chained to Owens’ bicep. What’s that Drew? - “Next question”- yeah, ah, well I haven't yet asked you a question. There’s so much more, but I have to move on.
Kobe Bryant- took 24 shots in the most recent ALL STAR GAME- the rest of his conference’s four starters took 28 combined; has been suspended in back to back seasons for directing blows to the heads of his opponents and has done so on no fewer than three occasions during this season alone- he then whined about being suspended, when it was obvious the follow-through on his shot (an attempt to draw a foul) was an unnatural act as he led with his elbow- not the way to shoot a jump shot unless you are a cat with the dry heaves and back spasms who is currently undergoing chemotherapy treatments and forgetting to take his Parkinsons medication; allegedly raped a woman in a Colorado hotel room [and people say that he isn’t violent]; in his NBA professional infancy he modeled himself after Michael Jordan- including copying his mannerisms, speech patterns, etc. Phil Jackson will make an appearance as a disembodied head, as a growth out of Kobe’s elbow in much the same way that the brains behind the revolutionary scheme of overthrowing the oxygen monopoly spearheaded by the guy from the Bevery Hills Cop movies in Total Recall was revealed as a parasite-like martyr living outside the stomach of a grown man. This too is coincidental, because Jackson, who is famous for his adherence to the Zen philosophy, is a talking head windbag who could use all of the oxygen he can find.
Phil has used the words- “witch hunt” and “vendetta” to describe the NBA league office’s approach to prima donna Kobe as they level fines and suspensions for Kobe’s uncanny ability to strike a blow to the faces of opponents who play within the rules. There hasn’t been this unnatural an attraction, (as elbow meets cranium) almost magnetic really, since Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson hooked up on the Surreal life. Phil’s contention- Kobe isn’t that bad a guy- yeah, and Darth Vader wasn’t that bad a guy when he was choking his underlings to death when they came up too quick on the rebel base from hyper-space.
Barry Bonds- will likely break Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record this season; has "allegedly" used steroids or HGH for at least the last 7 years, which helped him to hit 73 homeruns in 2001, the single season record; was never made to go before Congress to answer any questions about alleged steroid, or HGH use; has been an aloof and surly, some would say- bitchy person his entire career, and most fans who aren’t black and therefore are being objective about how much of an asshole he is, and who live outside of San Francisco hate the bloated bastard. Keep in mind- his shoe size went up from 10 ½ to 13 AS AN ADULT. So, he either suffers from pituitary gigantism, the same malady suffered by Andre the Giant, or he used performance enhancing drugs.
Electroshock and Schadenfreude- Ok, that is my space for this time. Next time I will further discuss their sins and call the effers to account- perhaps with a scene or two from an episode of Hubris Fantasy Island. I’m tired of their antics, and almost tired of the feeling of disgust that comes over me when I see or hear of their immoral or illegal actions. I should very much like to treat them like Katrina treated New Orleans. This is sometimes referred to as Schadenfreude, a German word meaning 'pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune' even if it only happens in my own mind. I should like to misfortune them (to change a word from a noun to a verb). But, since no government or law enforcement agency will give me the power to perform electroshock therapy, this is the best I may be able to hope for.
Dot to Dot- I know- the fewer than none readers of this column don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. But making stuff up can be fun. Being understood never was one of my strong points and this blog while pretty ridiculous and self-serving is still more significant than a professional tennis player autographing the camera lens with a sharpie after winning a quarterfinal tennis match in a tournament no one has ever heard of.
Next time- that mystery guest I promised is whoever has decided that the current college football bowl system is a good idea, and that a playoff scenario should not be adopted.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Salad Bars, Imams, Spitting in Urinals, and a Tradition Unlike any Other
Just a few random observations for this week (Episode III of Fantasy Survivor Hubris Island will be next week). Everyone wanted to chime in with something, as there is just too much going on in the world. I'm positively giddy after Duke's first round loss in the NCAA tournament so I couldn't concentrate on such an involved undertaking as Hubris Island and begged for a little help from others.
Seymour Correctly- I don’t understand these yahoos who introduce themselves to a urinal they’ll bond with for upwards of 60 seconds by spitting into it. I don’t get the habitual or instinctive reason for this, but perhaps it is a form of territorial regression- where some guys are more like dogs- which would be peculiar in that the way dogs mark their territory is by leaving their scent, which often comes in the form of . . . yeah, pissing on a tree. And since a guy is about to do that- I don’t get the point. I was not aware of the likelihood that at the exact moment a guy has to take a piss, he would also have to expel stored saliva from his yap. Maybe I’m overlooking the possibility that the spitting which always comes before eliminating the urine could be seen as an introduction- like- “hello urinal, you think this spit is bad, well, get ready for the yellow stream that wreaks of asparagus, Spaghettios, or super golden crisp. Seymour is a 60 year old, white curmudgeonly near-retiree.
Lilly-Aan Matigend- Going into the salad bar line is a tough business. Normally there are two sides to pick from and if you get caught ahead of one of those people who get the lettuce and the dressing and won’t bud in line because they think it is proper not to is infuriating. I like eggs, cauliflower, beets, broccoli, cheese, carrots, croutons, sunflower seeds, and bean sprouts on my salad. If you only want a couple of things on your plate, then move around, do not stand next to me huffing because I am not moving fast enough for you. I have seen what Janus puts on his salad- he has no idea of what the lettuce to dressing metric conversion is supposed to be. I love Target, but I'm boycotting them because of their stance on employing people who don't play by our rules- either that or when I decide to ban all salad bars and start buying all ingredients at Super Target I'll find that I absolutely cannot suffer a salad without ham chunks or bacon bits. Lilly-Aan is a 45 year old refined high-brow woman living a privileged life; Her name “Aan Matigend” is Dutch for “pretentious”.
Janus- One thing on Kobe Bryant. Recently he scored 65 points in a game and followed that up with a 50 point effort. Last year he scored the second most points in a game (81) in the history of the league. People, the rules changes allowing minimal contact on perimeter players have defenders treating shooting guards like you treat a new piece of tupperware you can only put on the top rack of your dishwasher if you want to keep it in pristine condition. Michael Jordan would have AVERAGED 45 points a game a few times in his career if the rules were such as they are now. Often, when playing the Pistons or Knicks, Jordan had to actually dig his own grave on the way to the basket because of all the physical contact he could expect. Now the league has a set of rules that makes “defenders” usher wing players into the lane like they are waving in commercial airliners. Even the Sportscenter guys don’t have enough perspective to compare how NBA rules have changed and are wowed by Kobe's displays of offensive prowess, which is undeniable, but he is not without peer.
Republican Bob Occupe- Just last week four Minnesota Democratic House members introduced a bill to be presented to the legislature which would be included as a constitutional amendment to let cities allow noncitizen permanent residents to vote. Let me clarify that- to allow illegal immigrants the RIGHT to vote in this country. Friggin' Liberal bastards! This news is coupled with the story of Imams reportedly acting like terrorists (making anti-American comments) on a plane and then suing US Airways for an alleged civil rights violation because they were removed from the flight, though they were the party being offensive. Also, let us not forget the Muslim cab drivers who refused to pick up fares that were transvestites, or who were transporting alcohol or canines, etc. . . . Oh, or the female Target employee who has convinced an entire corporation, industry and all liberals everywhere that it is against her religion to handle pork products. And there is a constant debate over the right to pray on the job which takes away from a worker's productivity, when you consider how often some of them are praying. The government has in place laws to protect minorities and encourage the hiring of immigrants, but who protects the legal citizens whose country is being stripped from them? Sounds pretty much like a union to me. Unions protect the derelict much more than they protect the diligent. Racism, by illegal immigrants- a tradition unlike any other. Thay are training us to be conciliatory, to bow to their will, to feel guilty enough so that in twenty years we won't have the strength to fight back, or the numbers- given how many of them are conyinually let in. Bob is a 27 year old Republican- who can't fathom that the middle class would have a complaint about anything, particularly on the subject of how they are doing economically.
E.B. Cliche- Word- Yo, I wanna just watch da games boyyyy! There haven’t been dat many upsets in da NCAA tourney man, but still some good games. Da on’y thing flatlinin’ the buzz is da commercials fo’ gulf. Dere’s too many timeoutz in a game and evry udder break has the damn Mastaz ad. Jim Nantz says- it is “a tradition unlike any udder . . . da Mastaz.” Tired of it, harshin’ the house mellow. We know Tiga is gonna win it anyways. Just as a reminder- don’t forget about da Mastaz. A tradition unlike any udder is the constant reminder that the Mastaz is coming up during my tourney games. And hey, da Cuse was robbed- they should have gotten an NCAA tourney bid- even if they didn’t leave da state of New York to play a game until January. [He means Syracuse. “Cuse”=Syracuse] Cliché is a white 18 year old high school student from the inner city. Do we have any editors at all on staff?
Thanks everyone.
Next week- I'll continue with the Hubris Island series- which would probably offend some readers- should there actually be any. Did I mention that I have ceased being disturbed by the idea of cartoon ducks not wearing any pants? I can hardly be concerned with that when I have to go tell Cliche that he shall never contribute to my column that no one reads ever again. I'd rather drink all of my liquids using a retired specimen cup. Hell, the over/under is set at 3 1/2 on how many illigitimate children Cliche is going to have with apostrophes in their names. Ok, well, I have some sports related personalities to flog. I'd tell you what we did with Bobby Knight but I always get so choked up when I seem him still hanging around. That darn Seymour- he always picks such an appropriate punishment. Good day.
Seymour Correctly- I don’t understand these yahoos who introduce themselves to a urinal they’ll bond with for upwards of 60 seconds by spitting into it. I don’t get the habitual or instinctive reason for this, but perhaps it is a form of territorial regression- where some guys are more like dogs- which would be peculiar in that the way dogs mark their territory is by leaving their scent, which often comes in the form of . . . yeah, pissing on a tree. And since a guy is about to do that- I don’t get the point. I was not aware of the likelihood that at the exact moment a guy has to take a piss, he would also have to expel stored saliva from his yap. Maybe I’m overlooking the possibility that the spitting which always comes before eliminating the urine could be seen as an introduction- like- “hello urinal, you think this spit is bad, well, get ready for the yellow stream that wreaks of asparagus, Spaghettios, or super golden crisp. Seymour is a 60 year old, white curmudgeonly near-retiree.
Lilly-Aan Matigend- Going into the salad bar line is a tough business. Normally there are two sides to pick from and if you get caught ahead of one of those people who get the lettuce and the dressing and won’t bud in line because they think it is proper not to is infuriating. I like eggs, cauliflower, beets, broccoli, cheese, carrots, croutons, sunflower seeds, and bean sprouts on my salad. If you only want a couple of things on your plate, then move around, do not stand next to me huffing because I am not moving fast enough for you. I have seen what Janus puts on his salad- he has no idea of what the lettuce to dressing metric conversion is supposed to be. I love Target, but I'm boycotting them because of their stance on employing people who don't play by our rules- either that or when I decide to ban all salad bars and start buying all ingredients at Super Target I'll find that I absolutely cannot suffer a salad without ham chunks or bacon bits. Lilly-Aan is a 45 year old refined high-brow woman living a privileged life; Her name “Aan Matigend” is Dutch for “pretentious”.
Janus- One thing on Kobe Bryant. Recently he scored 65 points in a game and followed that up with a 50 point effort. Last year he scored the second most points in a game (81) in the history of the league. People, the rules changes allowing minimal contact on perimeter players have defenders treating shooting guards like you treat a new piece of tupperware you can only put on the top rack of your dishwasher if you want to keep it in pristine condition. Michael Jordan would have AVERAGED 45 points a game a few times in his career if the rules were such as they are now. Often, when playing the Pistons or Knicks, Jordan had to actually dig his own grave on the way to the basket because of all the physical contact he could expect. Now the league has a set of rules that makes “defenders” usher wing players into the lane like they are waving in commercial airliners. Even the Sportscenter guys don’t have enough perspective to compare how NBA rules have changed and are wowed by Kobe's displays of offensive prowess, which is undeniable, but he is not without peer.
Republican Bob Occupe- Just last week four Minnesota Democratic House members introduced a bill to be presented to the legislature which would be included as a constitutional amendment to let cities allow noncitizen permanent residents to vote. Let me clarify that- to allow illegal immigrants the RIGHT to vote in this country. Friggin' Liberal bastards! This news is coupled with the story of Imams reportedly acting like terrorists (making anti-American comments) on a plane and then suing US Airways for an alleged civil rights violation because they were removed from the flight, though they were the party being offensive. Also, let us not forget the Muslim cab drivers who refused to pick up fares that were transvestites, or who were transporting alcohol or canines, etc. . . . Oh, or the female Target employee who has convinced an entire corporation, industry and all liberals everywhere that it is against her religion to handle pork products. And there is a constant debate over the right to pray on the job which takes away from a worker's productivity, when you consider how often some of them are praying. The government has in place laws to protect minorities and encourage the hiring of immigrants, but who protects the legal citizens whose country is being stripped from them? Sounds pretty much like a union to me. Unions protect the derelict much more than they protect the diligent. Racism, by illegal immigrants- a tradition unlike any other. Thay are training us to be conciliatory, to bow to their will, to feel guilty enough so that in twenty years we won't have the strength to fight back, or the numbers- given how many of them are conyinually let in. Bob is a 27 year old Republican- who can't fathom that the middle class would have a complaint about anything, particularly on the subject of how they are doing economically.
E.B. Cliche- Word- Yo, I wanna just watch da games boyyyy! There haven’t been dat many upsets in da NCAA tourney man, but still some good games. Da on’y thing flatlinin’ the buzz is da commercials fo’ gulf. Dere’s too many timeoutz in a game and evry udder break has the damn Mastaz ad. Jim Nantz says- it is “a tradition unlike any udder . . . da Mastaz.” Tired of it, harshin’ the house mellow. We know Tiga is gonna win it anyways. Just as a reminder- don’t forget about da Mastaz. A tradition unlike any udder is the constant reminder that the Mastaz is coming up during my tourney games. And hey, da Cuse was robbed- they should have gotten an NCAA tourney bid- even if they didn’t leave da state of New York to play a game until January. [He means Syracuse. “Cuse”=Syracuse] Cliché is a white 18 year old high school student from the inner city. Do we have any editors at all on staff?
Thanks everyone.
Next week- I'll continue with the Hubris Island series- which would probably offend some readers- should there actually be any. Did I mention that I have ceased being disturbed by the idea of cartoon ducks not wearing any pants? I can hardly be concerned with that when I have to go tell Cliche that he shall never contribute to my column that no one reads ever again. I'd rather drink all of my liquids using a retired specimen cup. Hell, the over/under is set at 3 1/2 on how many illigitimate children Cliche is going to have with apostrophes in their names. Ok, well, I have some sports related personalities to flog. I'd tell you what we did with Bobby Knight but I always get so choked up when I seem him still hanging around. That darn Seymour- he always picks such an appropriate punishment. Good day.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Survivor- Hubris Fantasy Island Episode II (the semi-finalists)
More contestants were recently voted off- so their bruises are fresh- again, in the interest of space, I narrowed down their crimes as much as I possibly could. Here are the semi-finalists:
Daunte Culpepper- asked for more money while playing the not appreciated or respected cards following a season in which he threw 6 TDs and 12 INTs and suffered a career maligning knee injury; he then refused to rehab with Vikings trainers or meet with new Viking’s coaches; he was embarrassed about his role in alleged illegal activities aboard a chartered vessel that also transported imported hookers from Georgia; he was found innocent of any charges but he’s a professional athlete- they’re not held accountable for anything- not even when you’re the starting quarterback and can’t figure out you aren’t smart enough to play the position. His fate: after a botched brain surgery, during which doctors place quarterbacking instincts into his brain, he is told to follow a bouncing ball into a busy street. Once he catches up to the ball and grasps it in his hand, he displays the pocket presence instincts he is famous for by being caught unaware by a steam-roller. Those who have followed Viking’s football will get the irony here and may get their celebratory roll on.
Mike Tyson- bit Holyfield’s ear off in a heavyweight title fight; domestic violence; a rape for which he was convicted and imprisoned; countless acts of violence, plenty of which have likely gone unpublicized; kept Don King employed- I can’t waste my time with a google search coming up with more strikes against this guy. His fate: The dozens of women he has battered throughout his life are allowed to beat him beyond recognition.
Randy Moss- almost drove over a female traffic control officer in a 2002 altercation attempting an illegal turn; during a playoff game against the Rams he was penalized and fined for squirting water at an official; left the sidelines prior to the end of a game in Washington; is infamous for his line “I play when I want to play”; he frequently gives half-efforts on running plays and passing plays where the play is not designed for him; he either has a hash-mark allergy, post-traumatic stress disorder from a hit taken in infancy while playing keep away, or is slowly becoming a reptile (think “alligator arms”)- because he will not extend the aforementioned appendages in order to catch a ball thrown over the middle. He is a wide RECEIVER. His fate: force him to smoke so much spleef that he is banned for life from the league- he will eventually befriend J.R. (Isaiah) Rider. He and Rider will gun each other down in a disagreement over . . . over- hmmm, the options- awe, who the hell cares- they’re gone.
Michael Irvin- former Dallas Cowboys Hall-of-Fame wide-receiver- has the forum, on ESPN’s NFL pregame show, to irrationally support and agree with the ridiculous Terrel Owens’ every comment and action. He hardly ever knows what he is talking about and the other analysts hardly ever call him on it. Bombast should never be mistaken for truth- (except when it is written in Don't Read This). I thought you removed the jokers from a deck of cards when you wanted to play a real game. His fate: take remedial English classes, and learn how to do more research. The lions from the recent Taco Bell commercial about "carne asada" (spelling?) who reference Ricardo Montalban will first suckle on his throat so he can't spew falsity and then eat his arms to the shoulder so he can't grab the wrists of his neighbors on the set of the ESPN NFL pregame show in a gesture of togetherness, that the others clearly despise, which is a nonverbal ploy designed to disguise his lack of knowledge about the topic at hand.
Ron Artest- suspicion of domestic violence; instigated a riot in a 2004 regular season game against the Pistons earning a full year suspension; thinking that because he has achieved success in one walk of life- releases a rap album and wants to take time off from a basketball season that just started so he can promote it even though he is paid millions of dollars to play basketball. Attempts to atone for the recent domestic violence charge by delivering his apology in the third person. Janus hasn’t hated the use of third person references as much since Herschel Walker went courting a career in the bobsled industry. His fate: counseling, a kick to the love jewels and a lifetime supply of Prozac, Ritalin and bipolar medications that a midget must anally administer. What’s that? Oh, the spirit of Hervé Villechaize, has made himself available.
Next time on Survivor Hubris Fantasy Island- we’ll meet the finalists- Kobe Bryant, Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, and a mystery finalist.
Daunte Culpepper- asked for more money while playing the not appreciated or respected cards following a season in which he threw 6 TDs and 12 INTs and suffered a career maligning knee injury; he then refused to rehab with Vikings trainers or meet with new Viking’s coaches; he was embarrassed about his role in alleged illegal activities aboard a chartered vessel that also transported imported hookers from Georgia; he was found innocent of any charges but he’s a professional athlete- they’re not held accountable for anything- not even when you’re the starting quarterback and can’t figure out you aren’t smart enough to play the position. His fate: after a botched brain surgery, during which doctors place quarterbacking instincts into his brain, he is told to follow a bouncing ball into a busy street. Once he catches up to the ball and grasps it in his hand, he displays the pocket presence instincts he is famous for by being caught unaware by a steam-roller. Those who have followed Viking’s football will get the irony here and may get their celebratory roll on.
Mike Tyson- bit Holyfield’s ear off in a heavyweight title fight; domestic violence; a rape for which he was convicted and imprisoned; countless acts of violence, plenty of which have likely gone unpublicized; kept Don King employed- I can’t waste my time with a google search coming up with more strikes against this guy. His fate: The dozens of women he has battered throughout his life are allowed to beat him beyond recognition.
Randy Moss- almost drove over a female traffic control officer in a 2002 altercation attempting an illegal turn; during a playoff game against the Rams he was penalized and fined for squirting water at an official; left the sidelines prior to the end of a game in Washington; is infamous for his line “I play when I want to play”; he frequently gives half-efforts on running plays and passing plays where the play is not designed for him; he either has a hash-mark allergy, post-traumatic stress disorder from a hit taken in infancy while playing keep away, or is slowly becoming a reptile (think “alligator arms”)- because he will not extend the aforementioned appendages in order to catch a ball thrown over the middle. He is a wide RECEIVER. His fate: force him to smoke so much spleef that he is banned for life from the league- he will eventually befriend J.R. (Isaiah) Rider. He and Rider will gun each other down in a disagreement over . . . over- hmmm, the options- awe, who the hell cares- they’re gone.
Michael Irvin- former Dallas Cowboys Hall-of-Fame wide-receiver- has the forum, on ESPN’s NFL pregame show, to irrationally support and agree with the ridiculous Terrel Owens’ every comment and action. He hardly ever knows what he is talking about and the other analysts hardly ever call him on it. Bombast should never be mistaken for truth- (except when it is written in Don't Read This). I thought you removed the jokers from a deck of cards when you wanted to play a real game. His fate: take remedial English classes, and learn how to do more research. The lions from the recent Taco Bell commercial about "carne asada" (spelling?) who reference Ricardo Montalban will first suckle on his throat so he can't spew falsity and then eat his arms to the shoulder so he can't grab the wrists of his neighbors on the set of the ESPN NFL pregame show in a gesture of togetherness, that the others clearly despise, which is a nonverbal ploy designed to disguise his lack of knowledge about the topic at hand.
Ron Artest- suspicion of domestic violence; instigated a riot in a 2004 regular season game against the Pistons earning a full year suspension; thinking that because he has achieved success in one walk of life- releases a rap album and wants to take time off from a basketball season that just started so he can promote it even though he is paid millions of dollars to play basketball. Attempts to atone for the recent domestic violence charge by delivering his apology in the third person. Janus hasn’t hated the use of third person references as much since Herschel Walker went courting a career in the bobsled industry. His fate: counseling, a kick to the love jewels and a lifetime supply of Prozac, Ritalin and bipolar medications that a midget must anally administer. What’s that? Oh, the spirit of Hervé Villechaize, has made himself available.
Next time on Survivor Hubris Fantasy Island- we’ll meet the finalists- Kobe Bryant, Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, and a mystery finalist.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Survivor- Hubris Fantasy Island Episode I (the setup)-
As far as famous islands go (and famous events which happen upon islands) you have- Gilligan’s Island (campy), Castaway (cinematic), Lost (surreal, magic TV), Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe (literary), the Falkland Islands (British military, historical), and the Bermuda Triangle (hoax journalistic creation). Oh, and one more- Fantasy Island.
Contagious back spasms and snowtopia: I had problems getting to a column with the pandemonium produced from Minnesota’s first and second snowtastrophes of 2007 just behind us. My back hurts from all the shoveling- I wonder if back ailments, such as back spasms, are viruses and so are unpredictably contagious. Why else would two different fantasy players on my team be unable to play, in successive games, due to spasms of the back, after being healthy the entire year? I lost two friggin games because of that apparently contagious back spasm malady- sonsabitches.
Fantasy Island: At any rate- I was bored and I hate successful athletes almost as much as I hate politicians who lie and misspend my money, so I concocted a premise as a weak knock-off of a combination of Survivor (who now sends losers of challenges to Exile Island) and Fantasy Island- the goofy late 70s drama where epiphanies were to be had by every guest star. Participants are famous derelict sports figures who represent the epitome of what it is to be unconscionable and whose haughty demeanor has earned them a ticket to my reality special I'm calling- Hubris Island! Mr. Rourke shall be proud of the way we have welcomed them, without letting them know we shall be running them through the ringer. Unless I’m mistaken, he would be delighted to know that they have all brought their own Tattoos. See what I did there?
Almighty Hubris: Hubris is an old word for excessive pride as a mortal shortcoming and was used quite often in Greek tragedies as a character flaw for major protagonists. I am using it as the ultimate rationale for bitch-slapping the Hubris Fantasy island candidates. Often enough the audience, for Greek plays were more appreciated as performances on stage than as good reads, would be drawn to empathize with the plight of the hero because of this flaw. Well, we here on our Fantasy Hubris Island show no such mercy, for these cretins have violated every law of human decency and their behavior is seemingly innately narcissistic. The fact that these athletes are assholes shall earn them no reward or immunity idol, no food, no respite from the grind of searching for bugs to eat or sweaty, flat-stomached white women to sleep with. No, you shall be beaten severely when you are voted off of this island.
Our Mandate: This week, due to space- I shall start in the middle of our story and reveal some participants who were judged to be slightly smaller scale assholes than those I'll get to next time. We have already pummelled them in our dreams. We shall reveal who wins for losing, without the public being the wiser, without being involved, without seeing the “alleged” cheating. So, without further ado- I give you our justification, our mandate from which thought we decided that it is better to punish the evil brought about by men and not let a jury to further allow their transgressions:
“The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." Albert Einstein
Livin’ the dream: So, with that in mind- play in your head the sound of Wayne and Garth going into dream sequence as I introduce those who have been ceremoniously exiled and earned a stiff ass-kicking on their way out- keep in mind- these guys are criminal in their behavior and fail to reflect on their sins in the way that I can no longer tolerate:
Bill Romanowski, Mark McGwire, Jose Conseco, Dennis Rodman, Stephen Jackson, George Steinbrenner, Pacman Jones, Latrell Sprewell, Todd Bertuzzi
These gentlemen have broken the eye sockets of TEAMMATES in practice, avoided steroid questions while being questioned by Congress, kicked cameramen in the jewels, fired guns outside of night-clubs, fired managers on a whim, slammed strippers heads on tables, choked coaches, stated that a three year, $21 million contract is an insult and it wouldn't be enough to feed his family, and ended the career of an opponent by sucker-punching him from behind and driving his face into the ice. We lay down the Hammurabi and cosa nostra type law here on Hubris Island. Some contestants have been horribly facially disfigured- which is an improvement in most cases- so that back acne is no longer their biggest problem- besides- many of them weren't much to look at to begin with. If you have the unmitigated nerve to do crap like that- you come here, we quickly pass sentence- and we beat the hell out of you. This may seem harsh, even for a dream-blog, but a guy has to dream doesn’t he? Besides, juries failed to convict a double-murderer- so when OJ got here- we castrated him.
No character: my major character trait is irreverence- at least I have one more than our contestants. I am just indulging myself and hope that my wife doesn’t remove a link to this column from her blog because of my offensive nature- course, you can’t get fewer than no one to read my blogs anyway- just as you can’t make the album cover for the Spinal Tap black album- more black. This is therapy for me- and when you see who the semi-finalists and finalists are, and read just some of their transgressions next week, you will ask if there is video of the corporal punishment scenes. I wish gentle reader- I wish. These men have violated the laws of human decency and I would rather have a chronic back spasm virus and spritz ass-smell cologne on myself every morning than to suffer these criminals of conscience any longer.
Next week: the semi-finalists.
Contagious back spasms and snowtopia: I had problems getting to a column with the pandemonium produced from Minnesota’s first and second snowtastrophes of 2007 just behind us. My back hurts from all the shoveling- I wonder if back ailments, such as back spasms, are viruses and so are unpredictably contagious. Why else would two different fantasy players on my team be unable to play, in successive games, due to spasms of the back, after being healthy the entire year? I lost two friggin games because of that apparently contagious back spasm malady- sonsabitches.
Fantasy Island: At any rate- I was bored and I hate successful athletes almost as much as I hate politicians who lie and misspend my money, so I concocted a premise as a weak knock-off of a combination of Survivor (who now sends losers of challenges to Exile Island) and Fantasy Island- the goofy late 70s drama where epiphanies were to be had by every guest star. Participants are famous derelict sports figures who represent the epitome of what it is to be unconscionable and whose haughty demeanor has earned them a ticket to my reality special I'm calling- Hubris Island! Mr. Rourke shall be proud of the way we have welcomed them, without letting them know we shall be running them through the ringer. Unless I’m mistaken, he would be delighted to know that they have all brought their own Tattoos. See what I did there?
Almighty Hubris: Hubris is an old word for excessive pride as a mortal shortcoming and was used quite often in Greek tragedies as a character flaw for major protagonists. I am using it as the ultimate rationale for bitch-slapping the Hubris Fantasy island candidates. Often enough the audience, for Greek plays were more appreciated as performances on stage than as good reads, would be drawn to empathize with the plight of the hero because of this flaw. Well, we here on our Fantasy Hubris Island show no such mercy, for these cretins have violated every law of human decency and their behavior is seemingly innately narcissistic. The fact that these athletes are assholes shall earn them no reward or immunity idol, no food, no respite from the grind of searching for bugs to eat or sweaty, flat-stomached white women to sleep with. No, you shall be beaten severely when you are voted off of this island.
Our Mandate: This week, due to space- I shall start in the middle of our story and reveal some participants who were judged to be slightly smaller scale assholes than those I'll get to next time. We have already pummelled them in our dreams. We shall reveal who wins for losing, without the public being the wiser, without being involved, without seeing the “alleged” cheating. So, without further ado- I give you our justification, our mandate from which thought we decided that it is better to punish the evil brought about by men and not let a jury to further allow their transgressions:
“The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." Albert Einstein
Livin’ the dream: So, with that in mind- play in your head the sound of Wayne and Garth going into dream sequence as I introduce those who have been ceremoniously exiled and earned a stiff ass-kicking on their way out- keep in mind- these guys are criminal in their behavior and fail to reflect on their sins in the way that I can no longer tolerate:
Bill Romanowski, Mark McGwire, Jose Conseco, Dennis Rodman, Stephen Jackson, George Steinbrenner, Pacman Jones, Latrell Sprewell, Todd Bertuzzi
These gentlemen have broken the eye sockets of TEAMMATES in practice, avoided steroid questions while being questioned by Congress, kicked cameramen in the jewels, fired guns outside of night-clubs, fired managers on a whim, slammed strippers heads on tables, choked coaches, stated that a three year, $21 million contract is an insult and it wouldn't be enough to feed his family, and ended the career of an opponent by sucker-punching him from behind and driving his face into the ice. We lay down the Hammurabi and cosa nostra type law here on Hubris Island. Some contestants have been horribly facially disfigured- which is an improvement in most cases- so that back acne is no longer their biggest problem- besides- many of them weren't much to look at to begin with. If you have the unmitigated nerve to do crap like that- you come here, we quickly pass sentence- and we beat the hell out of you. This may seem harsh, even for a dream-blog, but a guy has to dream doesn’t he? Besides, juries failed to convict a double-murderer- so when OJ got here- we castrated him.
No character: my major character trait is irreverence- at least I have one more than our contestants. I am just indulging myself and hope that my wife doesn’t remove a link to this column from her blog because of my offensive nature- course, you can’t get fewer than no one to read my blogs anyway- just as you can’t make the album cover for the Spinal Tap black album- more black. This is therapy for me- and when you see who the semi-finalists and finalists are, and read just some of their transgressions next week, you will ask if there is video of the corporal punishment scenes. I wish gentle reader- I wish. These men have violated the laws of human decency and I would rather have a chronic back spasm virus and spritz ass-smell cologne on myself every morning than to suffer these criminals of conscience any longer.
Next week: the semi-finalists.
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