Survivor- Hubris Fantasy Island Episode IV (Conclusion)

When we left the finalists- I was promising a fourth participant in our little Hubris Survivor game here. So, before rushing to play the role of the avenger- Edmond Dantes- The Count of Monte Cristo, and manipulate the other finalist sonsabitches, I would like to introduce the fourth finalist. But I would like to preface this with the use of one quotation- “If you judge others you will have no time to love them.” – Mother Teresa. Good, because the people I have judged in the course of Hubris Island are not worthy of being loved.

The fourth finalist is the:

Advocates of the- Bowl Championship Series (BCS): This is a guild maliciously compromising the legitimacy of the college football champion every year it is allowed to stay in power. I don’t know who is supporting this approach- it would be easier for me to definitively find out more about the Freemason’s role in the American government’s political infancy. I imagine that those responsible for keeping the BCS approach are Bowl organizers who feel they would lose money if the approach were dropped. But I am not a big gumshoe- I still don’t know if Kaiser Soze was the real mastermind behind the carnage in “The Usual Suspects”. I actually could care less about who the college football champion is (because I’ve never stood to gain or lose monetarily or emotionally)- but I care about how the champion is determined. That is why I won’t catalogue the particulars of what goes into the BCS formula for determining what teams play in the four bowl games having BCS significance. The only things in life more difficult to figure out is the NFL’s quarterback rating and how Timberlake could bring sexy back when you don’t think that it ever really went anywhere.

Algorithms and Athleticism: Any time you have voters and computer-generated rankings as major justifications for choosing which teams are allowed to participate in significant post-season games, you are allowing subjectivity to sanction success- and hello, that is what referees and umpires are for. Proponents can talk all they want about how much conversation is generated by that much subjectivity, or how much passion is stirred by that much controversy. Never- should the words “coaches’ poll” and “algorithm” be used in concert to determine a champion of any sport. Let the athletes prove it on the field. Boise St. went undefeated in 2006, and defeated a top 10 Oklahoma team in their bowl game, but because they aren’t a member of a BCS conference, they weren’t allowed the opportunity to gain meaningful, quantifiable athletic success. To be fair, the primary task of the BCS is to place the top two rated teams into the national championship game. But, by and large, they can’t even get that right. When the method for determining a national champion involves science or math and not sweat, exertion and blood- you’ve lost me. The solution in two words- Playoff system. I would elaborate and tell you how, and tell you how no one would lose money while the sport would gain the interest of the casual fan, but the people don’t demand it. So, any and all proponents of the BCS system, including analysts, athletic directors, Bowl organizers, supporters, boosters- Their fate: they shall all be invited to the next in a long line of Las Vegas casinos scheduled for demolition and then, well, just go and rent the movie- Casino, you can figure out the rest.

Principles: I attempted to provide a transcript for the final moments on Hubris Island for our final three competitors- Bonds, Bryant and Owens, but it wasn’t funny, to the extent that anything else in this skit has been- so I decided to summarize what enfolded in the interest of expediency with one great Emerson quotation in mind, for alas, I fear the daydream of events described below shall never be, so I must continue to hope that these three rather unprincipled bastards suffer a fate in accordance with how they have actually treated people- “Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles.”:

In the ring: Terrell Owens and Kobe Bryant were told that they had to tag team wrestle for an immunity idol. Phil Jackson, as an overblown growth stemming from Kobe’s elbow was Bryant’s partner (see last episode). Owens’ partner was his agent- Drew Rosenhaus, whose head was amputated and sewn, in Frankenstein-like style, onto Owens’ bicep- because of course, there was room enough, even for an ego that big. The guest referee was Barry Bonds.

The Upper elbow: Eventually, Kobe got the upper elbow, err . . . hand, by using Phil’s skull as a weapon, by smacking it into Owens’ ears. Phil whispered so many sweet Zen philosophy nothings into the reptilian Rosenhaus’ ears that he made them hemorrhage. So we lopped lizard "Next question" Drew’s head right off of T.O.’s bicep so as to not handicap Owens so that Kobe would suffer too. Owens is huge and liable to inflict a lot of pain on someone whose vanity rivals his own, particularly if he thinks he will win an immunity idol. Have you seen Owens in under armor? The prick looks like will Smith's face in the allergy scene from Hitch. Kobe’s elbow was so effective that Owens could no longer hear himself speak, which he did so loudly and unintelligibly that the ringside patrons began laughing at him. “It was the best execution at whack-a-mole I’ve ever seen,” exclaimed Mr. Rourke. We here at Hubris Island have decided to make the acquired speech impediment permanent for all four participants so that all of them are too embarrassed to ever speak again. The best way to insult the vain is to keep them alive so that they may suffer, which is achieved by their finding themselves no longer relevant. They think they are relevant because people are still listening to what they have to say.

Bonds . . . Barry Bonds: In between two of the rounds, we informed Bonds that when he goes into the hall of fame, an asterisk will be placed on his plaque which precedes all of the verbiage about his baseball “accomplishments.” We also told him that while we agree that steroids or HGH doesn’t help you hit a round ball with a round bat, it does help you hit a ball further. You see, steroids and HGH are known for making people stronger, and supremely able-bodied, so a 395 foot out is turned into a 409 foot homerun. Also, the two San Francisco reporters who were in hot water for having received leaked grand jury testimony, concerning Bonds’ steroid use, and used it in their book- "Game of Shadows", shall be absolved from being considered guilty of anything. You don’t put Elliot Ness in prison and let Al Capone go free. It would be nice to hold criminals accountable whose transgressions are more egregious than the means used to obtain proof of their guilt. We removed Bonds from the ring at this point.

Bonds’ fate: to quit playing baseball, shy of Ruth’s homerun record. He will spend the rest of his life asking himself, as proponents of Bonds should also do- if taking steroids or HGH doesn’t help you in any way, competitively and therefore monetarily, why in the hell were you taking them? And, proponents of Bonds, if your argument is still “well, he hasn’t been found guilty of anything” then you still probably think the world is flat. Bonds neck will grow so fat, due to a tumor caused by the excessive dependence on HGH, that no words can be formed in his larynx, so we will be spared from hearing about how misunderstood he is. Sometimes “misunderstood” is just another word for asshole. True, society creates animals like him, but also should desire to destroy them when they find out how much of a phony, and how attracted to martyrdom the privileged athlete has become. I feel too bad for him to inflict any physical abuse. Because of the steroid and/or HGH use, his testicles are likely the size of slivered almonds that have been run through the chop cycle on the food processor a few dozen times.

Kobe and T.O.: Turning our attention back to the ring, where we have spirited up the departed spirit of Tattoo as Bonds’ replacement. You just can’t have a celebrity athlete tag-team wrestling match involving the two most hateable personalities in the world of sports without a midget sidekick referee, even if we had to reincarnate him. I mean, c’mon. Ah, hell- I’ve nearly (I said ‘nearly’) run out of space again.

“Man’s got to know his limitations”: Clint Eastwood, as Dirty Harry, spoke those words, as well as these- “Well, opinions are like assholes . . . everybody has one.” So, combining those two quotes together and making them applicable to the current situation- Bryant and Owens are two assholes, who to this point have not been made aware of their limitations- their idea of how important they think they are. They are the extreme examples of an entire culture of privilege, whose behavior, misrepresentations of reality, and psychological sadism is only infrequently checked. Their fate: both of their playing careers will end; neither shall be heard from again as their voice boxes will be surgically removed; we shall pummel them using another of the 1970s television stars- the Incredible Hulk, (which I believe aired on Friday nights on CBS preceding the Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas), until they submit to their conscience and sincerely apologize to the masses for the manifestation of their delusional qualities.

Approval: If you have made it this far, hello- anyone- Bueller . . . Bueller? you might wonder at how sick an individual I might be- that I’m the sadist. I’ve read some Freud in my time and though he is completely off base in many of his psychological principles, he is right on with his social commentary- in his- "Civilization and Its Discontents" he writes quite a bit about how man’s instincts are completely at odds with his ability to adapt to the benefits of civilization- but he also refers to one of the christian mandates- “love thy neighbor as thyself” and addresses how inherently difficult a proposition it actually is when you are dealing with marginally good people, let alone people as dysfunctional as Owens and Bryant. I must say, in the cases of Owens and Bryant, this is instinctually inconceivable, and it is not worth the effort to do it deliberately. They care so little for anyone else. Many will say I am jealous of their achievements and their abilities. I like to see sacrifice, dedication, humility, ability, and determination rewarded when earned, and they have earned much of what they’ve worked for. But they have also earned a ticket to non-entitydom. The joint winners of Hubris Island- Kobe Bryant and Terrel Owens.