Lend Me Your Ears- Spitting, Clock Management, and NBA "Fights"

"O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason."
- Marc Antony in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar


Yes, I am quoting someone yet again- that's what I do. The above quotation is borrowed from Marc Antony's famous monologue addressing the Roman populace on the event of the passing of Julius Caesar. The more famous beginning of his speech is- "Friends, Romans, Countrymen . . ." At any rate, I use the quote to lament the loss of objectivity and judgment, the death of them in fact, in the world of sports. But, I actually come to praise judgment and objectivity, in regards to sports, as I bury them.

Brawl in N.Y.- If it is one thing I learned years ago, it is that NBA players carry a gun with them for one reason- they don't know how to fight. In a fist-fight between Carmelo Anthony and Kermit the frog I would take Kermit- even if Miss Piggy were distracting "Kermy" with one of her relationship demands. Every year there are two or three major brawls in the NBA (this year it was just last week in the Big Apple) and I have never seen a punch land that wasn't awkwardly delivered. Even Shaquille O'Neal can't throw a punch- as evidenced by a mis-aimed thump on the back of Brad Miller's neck about five years ago. Hey, I'm a writer and an oven mit could probably beat me up, but I would stand a good chance against someone who throws a punch while running backwards to half-court.

Clock Management 1- It was reported that the coach of the Knicks, Isiah Thomas, told his players to be physical with anyone aggressively attacking the basket. I can't blame him- his team trailed by 19 points with 90 seconds left. George Karl, the coach of the Nuggets (Anthony's coach) objected to this stance- why? Because, he could not manage the clock well-enough (see below), or failed math, or wasn't being objective about the Knick's opportunity to come back. I wouldn't have needed a coach to tell me to aggressively foul someone who was trying to run up the score on me. Karl should have pulled all of his starters when the game was well in hand- with five minutes to go. But you see, because I haven't played or coached in the NBA, this contention would be dismissed by someone, namely Karl, who cost his team the league's leading scorer (Anthony) to a 15 game suspension for throwing a punch Casper the ghost would be embarrassed of, and costing his franchise $500,000 in fines.

One T.O. Spitting- Shocking! About the only thing that malcontent, dysfunctional Terrel Owens had not done on his resume of insubordination and imbecility, was spitting in someone's face. He was fined $35k. Many athletes have commented that this is the worst thing you can do to someone, that it shows a total lack of respect. What? Thinking that T.O. would have respect for anyone is the first symptom of a major case of naivete. He's an animal- if he spit in my face, I would think it totally in keeping with how a badger might gnaw on the ankle of a deer. I would have to actually respect Owens as a human being to expect anything more from the worthless pile of crap. The jocks say it is worse than getting sucker-punched (though not from an NBA player because they would have missed). Ask Steve Moore, whose hockey career was ended by Todd Bertuzzi, whether the worst thing to do to someone is to spit in their face. The latter came up from behind Moore two years ago, sucker-punched him and then drove Moore's skull into the ice. That is not as bad as being spit upon by someone who should have been hung years ago? Have you people lost your minds along with your objectivity?

Coaches around the country- are under the impression that because someone was duped into hiring them for their dictatorial position, they can accuse anyone who is not in their position, of being naive, inexperienced, or just plain moronic. But listen- coaches and managers- just because we have not coordinated an offense or yanked a pitcher when he was still throwing well doesn't mean that we are wrong when we don't agree with you. You are not infallible. Unfortunately, all sports fans, particularly those that disagree with a coach, are labeled as half-wits on the subject of managing a game. If you listen to the diction and the vocabulary of most sports fans expressing their opinions- I would be hard pressed to fault the manager being questioned for thinking all fans are uninformed. But, as I've also listened for decades to terrible color commentary from the likes of John Madden and more recently from Troy Aikman, I can't give the nod for opinion supremacy to those who've spent their lifetime playing and/or analyzing a sport. Madden, a former Super Bowl winning coach is a caveman with his very insightful "boom" and Aikman, a recent hall-of-fame player, has this in his repertoirre of insightful phrases- "no one is better than what Brian Westbrook is." Huh? Troy- the proper way to say that is "no one is better than Brian Westbrook."

Clock Management 2- All fans have their opinion on how a football coach manages the clock. I tell you what, I'd trust any housewife who only has 45 minutes to run three errands more than I would trust half of NFL coaches to manage the clock, who have three timeouts to spend in the last five minutes of the fourth quarter, trailing by two scores. Two weeks ago I watched the Detroit Lions coach go for the touchdown on fourth down inside the Vikings 20, well within field goal range- when he needed a field goal and TD to tie the game. He needed two scores- if the Lions fail on fourth down the game is over, if they kick the field goal they are still in the game. Who is the moron?

Making use of animals- These coaches with experience surely overrate their judgment. I would rather snuggle with a bowevil that has irritable bowel syndrome or soak my contact lenses in the urine of a yak with a bladder infection than listen to any coach or manager who says they know more than me about every decision they make on the playing field. Why? Because I have better judgment than most sports fans. Why? Because I'm more objective. Because I have not let my experience cloud my judgment, because I am humble enough to learn from mistakes. Now, if I could only learn from the constant mistake I make about the length of my columns. This is a short one . . . so, Merry christmas!

Next time- a column on racism- I promise.