Sneetches and Racism

Howdy- I’m your guest columnist Seymour Correctly-

When Janus told me he once wrote a paper in college concerning the concept of moral relativism and quoted Jiminy Cricket (“always let your conscience be your guide”) I figured I could get away with this when he asked me to be a guest columnist for this week. So here goes-

Sylvester McMonkey McBean: is the capitalist from Dr. Seuss’s most underrated story- “The Sneetches”. He is the chappie who comes in to put on and take off stars from the Sneetches at such a feverous pace that the snobbish star-bellies and down-trodden Sneetches who initially had “no stars upon thars” are left to wonder who is supposed to be a favored Sneetch.

On Americans and Sneetches: Similarly- I began to wonder long ago who in this country is supposed to be considered favored- as a star-bellied Sneetch equivalent. The only real difference between the Sneetches and Americans is that our distinctive mark is the color of our skin, rather than a star on our tummies. What about metabolism? one might say. Now, the average American is very overweight and similarly, the Sneetches all look like 45 year old men who’ve been playing too much Texas hold ‘em. Maybe the Sneetches just have a terrible metabolism- or perhaps, just as we do, the Sneetches like fried foods, eating after 8 pm, and in-between meals. Ok then- the biggest similarity is that we carry our inferiority complexes around in our brains just as they did. I’ll try not to get psychological- I’ll leave that to Republican Bob and Janus- they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about anyway. Besides- I could get very psychological about an even less well-known Seuss story- “Too Many Daves” but only if Janus asks me back.

Blue Eyes vs. Brown Eyes: Jane Elliot, a school teacher conducted a famous experiment in 1968. Her experiment was to treat the children in her classroom who had blue eyes differently than those with brown- and what do you know, a combative mentality was created that pitted those with brown eyes against those with blue. Funny though, I see that Seuss’ Sneetch book preceded that experiment by about 7 years. No matter- we have people stealing ideas and profiting from them all the time in this country- just a month ago my wife bought me a Tony Dorsett figure on ebay for Christmas from a woman who bought a Mcfarlane replica, painted it to look like Dorsett and is selling them for at least double the price. The whole plot of the movie "Cars" was completely pilfered from an early 1990s movie starring Michael J. Fox- "Doc Hollywood".

My point? Racism: We have a major issue with racism in this country that is only going to get worse because this country’s borders aren’t secure. But, as I’ve read that the immigration issue has already been addressed by Republican Bob, I’ll focus on a more traditional racial problem- that of Blacks vs. Whites. Some people think (and by some people I mean blacks) that you have to have power to be a racist. Well, as slavery and the societal meltdown of the 1960s have been over for quite some time, and as I only buy things at half price- that seems like a marked up product of ignorance. Racism is about ignorance. Are there whites mistreating blacks? Absolutely!- (and I use exclamation marks sparingly). But there are blacks mistreating whites as well. Case in point- continually testing the tolerance and intelligence of whites by laboriously trotting out the racism card. No one wins the hand when that card is played. Just as Sylvester McMonkey McBean knew- “They never will learn. No. You can’t teach a Sneetch!” But can you teach an American?

A hoped for result: Hopefully one day- a black man will be called a racist- by a white man, and the majority of black men and women will agree with the charge. The charge of racism should be considered a misdemeanor and not punishable by a career death sentence; there are far too many black hypocrites walking around leveling the charge of racism against anyone they see speaking against their actions or their speech however justified the criticism might be. After a charge of racism from a black person, the result ought to be a set of shrugged soldiers and an air of indifference never seen before, not a continually fostered mentality of liberal-sponsored apology reparations where the accuser maintains a carte-blanche activism stranglehold on racial morality. If a man is a racist it is often a matter of public opinion, but the idea of labeling a black person as a racist has been one of those off the menu topics like sex, religion and politics at the dinner table. This has to change.

Play That Race Card: If racism were a medication, meant to cure the ills unleashed upon a black man- it would be the equivalent of taking smarties nasally for alleviating the pain of knee surgery. Ah, meaning . . . it wouldn’t do any good. Well, it works fine for black men and women who play it more often than their favorite single in the CD player- “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” from the movie- Hustle and Flow. Using the “R” word minimizes any logical discussion about the topic of race relations because it puts the accused on trial instantly and their time is then spent defending themselves rather than continuing to point out things that might be true. Because let us be honest, there are just as many black racists as white ones. It is funny, but the word never seems to lose its cache. You would think that our collective reaction to the word by now would be complete immunity, sobriety, that we would have built up a tolerance by now because of how often we hear it used; I'll have more on this if there is a next time. It appears that blacks think that whites have stars on their bellies and have no need for the services of Mr. Sylvester McMonkey McBean.

New Year’s Resolutions: 1) Read more Seuss 2) stop taking someone else’s medication 3) never again cut my own hair 4) stop repaying debts in food stamps 5) don’t get involved in conversations with an Italian where body hair is the subject 6) stop referring to blacks as African-Americans- they are the star-bellied Sneetches of America, for their mindset is not to be questioned, their sense of inferiority is left unadressed, unremedied, unchecked and for that I will un-African their Americanness.

Janus’ Note-
Next time: I have spoken with Seymour and have invited him to continue this topic next week- as it is a biggie. He has told me he will provide further racist observations.