Middle Class Part 41: Medicinal and Prescription Drug Humor

Originally, I had intended for much of this material to appear in the 39th post, but decided to not deviate from the free market subject for reasons that would bring me no closer to completing my overall task- which is to diligently, conclusively, objectively and thoroughly push back the covers that comfortably conceal middle class woes that even those who suffer from them are unable to identify or effectively communicate.

Those who are responsible for logically distributing electoral votes based on congressional district (legislative inhabitants of Maine and Nebraska or those voters from other states who would like to have at least those rights in common with the Pine Tree and Cornhusker states) would likely not suffer from many of the side effects mentioned below.

Diversionary tactics: This edition of the chronicles of the middle class ailments is a simple diversion from the grind of the bi-weekly posts, much like the Dr. Seuss material from post 15. Not sure whether the relief from the grind is more beneficial to the author of these episodes or the non-existent reader. Don’t answer that. The idea is to further ridicule the ludicrous nature of our political system (some people call it a democracy) and mock the stranglehold that stubborn politicians have and processes they promote that are in place to limit or prevent improvements of the most sensible kind.

Fires and pills: If electing politicians is just like sitting out by an enticing fire (see part 39), then it is surely also like taking medications. While the fire will help restore a mood, a pill can also do so. A pill can manage your rheumatoid arthritis, high cholesterol or irritable bowel syndrome, while causing other problems- like thinking that drive-through accounting services are a good idea or cultivatating an uncontrollable desire to sign up for Britney news text alerts. I know people who vote for all the challengers, all the republicans, all Independents, all democrats, some who don’t vote and some who are ballot splitters, who vote for who they feel is the best candidate for the job, supposing there is a name on the ballot which is suited to that approach. Voting in an election, armed with our hopes, is too much like a drug. We seek to cure all ills, ours, our family’s, our community’s, or posterity’s, when we mark in those circles which appear before selected candidate’s names. Taking basically any drug/electing most any official has its side effects. Martin Luther King said: “We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.” There is hope in the vote and much finite disappointment if we keep electing the same two political parties. It often happens where a prescribed drug serves no good purpose, or works, but cancels out the productive qualities of other medications. Where they are Constitutionally strong, (the republicans), they too much favor the rich and military spending, etc.; where they are generous to the poor (the democrats), they are prone to enable the indigent and these elixirs/laws/social aid programs for others cause us great pain.

Getting older: As we age, three things happen nearly in concert. One, we take more medications, excepting if we were dealt a set of crappy genes and have taken them our whole lives or we were hypochondriacs prior to the aging process taking a toll on our immune system; Second, we talk about our ailments, sometimes even to our parents, whom you will never defeat in a verbal exchange of maladies; Third, we talk more about politics. Coincidence? I think not! Eighteen years ago, I only thought about sports, reading Dickens and figuring out when my mom would be working so that I could have sex with my girlfriend. I was twenty. One other thing that was vaguely in my mind was the germ for this very exhaustive work nearing its completion/abandonment. What I am hinting at is we may have to take prescribed medications simply to keep our innards from shutting down in order to tolerate the desolateness of adulthood that is a greater awareness of our fearless leader's collective utility. Not even the elves were subjected to so much self-awareness when they learned that Santa did not traverse the globe looking for christians to reward with gifts from some supposed bottomless magic bag of presents.

Prescription drugs: “Prescription-drug advertising is big business. The pharmaceutical industry in 2006 spent $4.8 billion on consumer ads, according to IMS Health, a private firm that tracks sales and marketing. The industry spent $7.2 billion more marketing products to doctors.” http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-02-29-drugs-inside_N.htm, “Analyzing the side effects of drug ads” Julie Appleby, February 29, 2008. Now, that is big business. Thousands of people, including myself, have addressed, or proven, the connection between the prescription drug industry and the politicians who protect them; this will not be a mini-diatribe in that vein. I am going for comedy.

Side effects I: There are all kinds of side effects connected with the medications we take which we suppose are good for us. I happen to think that additional options at election time would do wonders for our economic and political health, albeit without completely correcting problems, but without our suffering by our imbibing, injecting or ingesting them. We need a way to get through nearly 18 months of canvassing. These third party candidates are looked upon like generic drugs because people do not recognize the name, as it has not been thrown in their face by constant advertising. Huh, this metaphor is more sound than I thought. Think of the doctors, as the media- proposing that only two candidates/drugs are worthy of consideration.

Side effects II: My diagnosis is that politicians and voters both justify the compromised conscience, which must be like a drug addict’s gradual decline into dependency- filled with denial. The former are not pressed to alter their approach to issue resolution and the latter don’t demand more . . . whining about it does not count. By voting to change nothing we can continue to complain just as we always have and the elected politician can continue to push his remedies, knowing they are placebo solutions we will continue to swallow to no avail. Everyone has seen dozens of commercials for various miracle drugs which will allow for an erection and help sustain it, but may cause an upset stomach or cause a temporary bluish vision or light sensitivity- Viagra. The following comments are in that way and mock those who dream of change by refusing to be the authors of it. Keep in mind, it isn’t always obvious who should be prescribing and who ingesting the drugs mentioned below, but that is what I’m here for . . . to obscure the line of truth. Doing the opposite, trying to pronounce that line, is too much damn work, so this is a departure.

Disclaimer: Some of the side effects and warnings below have been embellished for comedic effect. A wise reader will be able to differentiate the real from fabricated side effects. Some of the side effects referred to have only manifested themselves in fewer than 5% of patients. I am not interested in delineating which of those side effects those might be. We’ve all heard about those drugs that may not be for people who are nursing, who are pregnant, who may become pregnant, who know what pregnancy is, etc., those advertisements which must admit to a catalogue of possible subsequent indispositions which it takes the narrator more than half the commercial to enumerate. Hopefully I can provide more in the spirit of the 12 days/drugs of christmas, political medication style. Another element of these advertisements is that the voice talent, lists a series of disclaimers, communicating who should not attempt to take the drug being advertised- so I have followed suit.

1) Plan B: your pregnancy backup plan, which can prevent a pregnancy up to 72 hours after unprotected sex or primary contraceptive failure.

Side effects may include: stomache cramps; vaginal bleeding; the inclination to favor the letter ‘B’ above all other letters, especially if you live on a farm and were violated by a horse your father-brother said it was too cold to castrate in the barn; headache; heavier menstrual bleeding; lighter menstrual bleeding, bleating- like a sheep; dizziness; breast tenderness; a Jones for some breast tenders; fatigue; vomiting.

People who should avoid taking Plan B: those to whom it has occurred that the use of Plan B would take away some of the heat conservatives place on the Roe v. Wade decision; men; those who celebrate Festivus (a Seinfeld reference- a fictional holiday I have decided to capitalize the name of ); people who have been pregnant for 72 days; youngish daughters of conservative hypocrite politicians who fear their run to the senate may be crippled if the beloved family value square on their Yahtzee board of morals will never be populated with a score. This box is less difficult to fill than four-of-a-kind.

Note: at the beginning of the list of side effects for Plan B this disclaimer appears- “Some women may experience side effects similar to those of many birth control pills.” Sounds like they are playing the blame game too- see part 40. After the side effects list this sentence appears- “If you should experience severe abdominal pain, you may have an ectopic pregnancy . . .” Suuuuure, use the old ectopic pregnancy excuse.

2) Fexofenadyne hydrochloride (Allegra): Will allow an allergy sufferer some relief.

Side effects may include: back pain; upper respiratory infection; diarrhea; vomiting; dizziness; pain in extremities; or pain in the stremities. And I thought the fact that some people voted for Obama was going to be bad for our Constitution.

People who should avoid taking Allegra: kittens who think they are acting as emotionally distant as some people; people who have passed a bulbous-foreheaded child through their birth canal; people who may or may not have a red-headed step-child; those who do not know the difference between Darth Vader and an Ele-vater; those who have been naughty or nice; left-handers; people who have never seen an Edward Norton movie; those who think that small business owners should actually see a tax increase. I hope there isn’t an outcry for a small business owner tax increase- for those who make 200k-250k AND who own small business- and who must meet payroll. These are not the types of people who should see a tax increase. This is an important distinction from those who make 200-250k and who do not own a small business. Oh, another side effect- molting. Because those who can slough off how imperative it is to avoid taxing small business owners who are employing other people are allergic to common sense.

3) Bronchodilator (Advair): Will treat patients with asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

Side effects may include: irritation and inflammation of the ears; bronchitis; lower respiratory infection; the contention that your candidate, if he is a republican who lost to a democrat, or a democrat, who lost to a republican, was far and away the better candidate (i.e. cognitive dissonance); nausea; dizziness; increased heartbeat; lost their heart when they discovered how ruthless the corporate world can be; bloody nose; sinus infections; voice changes; menstrual problems (among men); thrush (whatever that is); nervousness and bone pain. I would be nervous too if that was the list of potential complications that might stem from having ingested such a restorative. Bone pain? From something that is supposed to assist asthmatics?

People who should avoid taking Advair: those who answer the phone using the word- “Yello” or pronounce the ‘X’ that is in the word “especially"; have ever ironed a sock; think that all democrats are exempt from hypocrisy (which, if this were true, would make the gullible/credulous breathe easier); and those who have never liked general anesthetic, new math, old tires or christmas crap (i.e. unneeded, hideous, storage-space-eating decorations that someone else thinks you cannot live without); people who take peanut butter in their hot chocolate or the double foam, chai latte, (or tai chi, which I would guess is a drink you take while practicing a martial art).

Note: a bronchodilator is not a type of long-necked herbivory dinosaur alive during the Jurassic period. Also- I cannot get past this bone pain thing. So, do not take Advair if you are already taking Viagra . . . Bone pain. Figure it out.

4) Viagra: got wood? No? This will help.

Side effects may include: facial flushing; upset stomache; temporary bluish vision; blurriness; light sensitivity; headache- especially after satisfying your partner who is going to want more than a four hour commitment. It is advised that Viagra only be taken once a day- but if you are into monkey lovein’ or are a monkey misogynist (which has nothing to do with monkey massages) and you like to try to get by with just one pill a day- good luck- I’ve heard that those simian females have some pretty lofty expectations.

People who should avoid taking Viagra: people who were too sophisticated for trick-or-treating by the age of eight; apparently those with already weakened vision; those who have made a joke about Viagra in connection to Egg Nog(gin); those who like to watch x-rated hypnotists “perform”; men who after taking Viagra- lose all interest in intercourse if they even think about the pace of the Barbara Streisand version of “Jingle Bells”; people who have held their own christmas cards hostage (which often stems from being sleighted by neighbors, relatives, acquaintances or part-time friends who did not give them a christmas card of their ugly family last year); people who have tried facon (this is fake bacon and has nothing to do with people who pretend sexual enjoyment- friggin' untrustworthy vegetarians); people who almost voted for Nader, or who wrote in Mickey Mouse or god- these people already have enough nerve, vigor and potency and probably get off plenty on their displayed pride and have no need to have their fore-sight compromised by a drug that may blind them if taken twice a day.

Note: Why would a drug designed to firm up a man’s primary sexual organ potentially cripple his vision (look at the vision-related side effects)? If one becomes dependent on Viagra, the quality of their sexual partners is sure to decrease- because of the little-known post-blue pill ingestion condition known as Viagra-goggles which clouds ones physical assessment of proposed, present sexual partners. The same thing happens to voters who take a Viagra equivalent hoping for trenchant political judgments of their elected officials, but are rather left feeling blue. Be sure to avoid the dreaded Viagra and Plan B combo.

Question: Would Viagra help with political impotence too (help the lack of flow to the brain of candidates who accept gifts from constituents, or attempt to sell senate seats on Ebay), or is it just for the flow of blood to the penis?

5) Chantix- (varenicline) tablets: The motto: “It’s all about getting there.” With the image of a turtle on a trail toward a distant finish line. I don’t know that the average smoker has 17 years to wait to quit smoking with your help. Maybe the Cicada should be your drug's symbol. And if it really is supposed to be about getting there and not how soon someone is to get there is Chantix really worth it?

Side effects may include: change in behavior; agitation; depression; suicidal thoughts or actions; constipation; gas; vomiting- did I already use a line about a weakened constitution?; “sleep problems (trouble sleeping, or vivid, unusual, or strange dreams)” These are not all the side effects of CHANTIX . . . you may have trouble opening drawers, may not be able to spell the word ‘fag’ if spotted the ‘f’ and the ‘a’. (Note: “fag” is another name for cigarette.) As always- jaundice, rickets scurvy and rubella.

People who should avoid taking Chantix: people who do not know how to chew gum; people who like the automobile exchange rate with South Korea which should not at all trouble Ford, GM, or Chrysler to come up with an economy model which does not so negatively affect our ecosystem; those who have ever caused the demise of their garbage disposal by trying to grind up grapefruit husks; have ever benefited from a Ponzi investment scheme (which I swear is some combination of Fonzi and Potsi and somehow related to Happy Days, but Google tells me different; those who drive or operate heavy machinery; wear more than one watch on their right wrist and those who do not put their pants on one leg at a time . . . oh, and all white people, including those prone to regretting who they have voted for in a general election. If this drug were marketed to politicians, the motto could be changed to- “It’s all about getting there, no matter how much money you spend during your campaign, deciding not to use public financing and continuing to be beholden to campaign donors and thus continuing to forsake the middle class who really need your help.” Yeah, those are the types of politicians who like to blow smoke up your . . .

6) Spiriva: an inhaled maintenance prescription treatment for breathing problems associated with COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease).

Side effects may include: chronic bronchitis; emphysema; an allergy to Tupperware that was purchased in the mid 1980s; dry mouth; wet tail (which is usually, almost exclusively an infirmity suffered by small rodents); sore throat; worsening of breathing problems; wheezing; chest pain; severe constipation; upper respiratory infection (in up to 41 percent of people); sinus infection; bladder infection; muscle pain; yeast infection; nosebleeds; difficulty passing urine; vision changes; chest pains; signs of an allergic reaction (i.e. hives; unexplained rash; itching; unexplained swelling; wheezing; difficulty swallowing); RARE side effects include leg pain; voice changes; unusual sensations; such as burning or tingling; canker sores; high cholesterol; hyperglycemia; bone pain; shingles; cataracts; gastroesophageal reflux disease. “ . . . make sure to let your healthcare provider know if you develop any side effects while taking the drug or if something ‘just does not seem right.’ ” Is there anything left? Seriously, why even advertise, prescribe or administer any product that has the potential to cause so many subsequent complications? And if you insist on doing so, perhaps paranoia should be listed first among the potential side effects.

People who should avoid taking Spiriva: those who have not mastered the use of the rhetorical question, not even in printed form; people who enjoy paying more in health care expenses for people who should not reside in this country; people who despise the overconfidence of those with 4-wheel drive vehicles the morning after six inches of snow; those who welcome what any performer, especially Alec Baldwin, Barbara Streisand, Tim Robbins, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, or Bruce Springsteen has to say about politics; apparently, those who enjoy breathing, and obese people who think it is against one of the commandments to make them pay more for airline tickets, considering the drag (literally) they have on a plane’s fuel efficiency. I have no opinion on that matter. Write that down- it might be the answer to the trivia question: “on what topics has Janus not expressed an opinion.

Note: I only added a couple of side effects to the list of them for Spiriva- the legitimate potential compliations took up all the space. Among the most comical- “unexplained rash” and “unexplained swelling.” Have you ever been able to explain a rash or swelling until someone explains it for you? Isn't it explained if you do not have short term memory loss and recall having taken Spiriva?

7) Xanax/Alprazolam: is a CNS depressant which works by slowing down the nervous system and controlling the chemicals in the brain. Anyone thinking that Tolkein could have used either of the names listed just after the 7) for wizards in a novel that is to be published posthumously? No? You think this novel would have come to light by now- just like the pictures of Obama and the audio tapes of LBJ. There is art and intrigue out there my friends.

Side effects may include: drowsiness; dry mouth; increased saliva production; lightheadedness; tiredness; trouble concentrating- (like when someone has penned a long blog column); weight changes; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, tongue, or buttocks (unexplained swelling of the buttocks?) closed-circuit to Jennifer Lopez- stand clear; confusion; fainting; hallucination; loss of coordination; a gain in coordination; ordination without anyone's help; menstrual changes; muscle twitching; nail biting; a fear of chairs; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; searches; trouble speaking; stammering; yellowing of the eyes or skin; a change in eye color; the loss of your eyes- like under a couch or something (perhaps in connection with your having taken Viagra); changes in sexual desire; insomnia; . . . wait, a change in sexual desire? Really? . . . inner restlessness; outer restlessness; the strange desire to shave one’s ear hair even when it isn’t needed. It is noted that “some side effects may not be reported” such as an inability to write, speak, draw a picture, or use a telephone in order to report those side effects.

People who should avoid taking Xanax: TI; Amish people who cannot make a wooden rocking chair; those who thought that Acapulco would be a great vacation spot because of having watched a lot of Love Boat episodes in the late 70s; those who forgot to put the recycling down at the end of the driveway the week before christmas; people who think that the government cannot waste enough of our money, and therefore should not even have the hope of resting more easily, Coke drinkers; Pepsi drinkers; those who have ever mixed Pepsi with Captain Morgan; Captain Morgan (drugs and alcohol don’t mix), Morgan Fairchild; Morgan Freeman; parents of little boys who have received advice, by him, on how to keep him out of the freezer; people who can explain the link between meal time and the inclination of kids under five to remove their socks; people who have no reservations about the ambiguity of the first amendment.
8) Orencia/Abatacept: for Rheumatoid arthritis.

Side effects may include: redness at the injection site; upset stomach; chills; fever; persistent sore throat; flu-like symptoms; night sweats; shortness of breath; funky gums; coccidia; unusual lumps or growths; usual lumps or growths; increased, decreased or painful urination (these guys are really covering their butt- and would have to use big hands to do so if they had just taken Xanax); increase in the size of one's hands- (just messing with you); an interest in allowing mass immigration with no questions asked.

People who should avoid taking Orencia: people who aspire to travel back in time to direct a World War II movie that is to be filmed in that actual era (i.e. in the 1940s); Welfare proponents who encourage the demonstrated fraud hundreds have uncovered; idealists; realists; those who have head-butted a reindeer . . . with a red nose, which was not derived from a birth defect, but because it was an alcoholic; people who have needlessly gotten a cortisone shot so they could watch an NFL playoff game; those who think that any supreme court justice should tell a woman what to do with her body (restrict abortions); a homosexual what to do with their domestic partners (prohibit marriages); or subject people out for dinner who are non-smokers to the hazards of second-hand smoke. Also, people who have a hard time determining what an unusual lump or growth might be; people who blame the unusual growth of their buttocks on Xanax; people who keep losing or breaking expensive electronics they don’t ever have to pay for; those who have ever had trouble getting a belt sander to work, or have ever had trouble getting a belt sander to rest.

9) Cymbalta: an antidepressant.

Side effects may include: blurred vision; hot flashes; yawning; vertigo; gas; chills; seasonal allergies; taste changes; abnormal dreams (like those where you get to be on top); weight loss or weight gain; a decreased sex drive; sweating; ejaculation problems; orgasm problems; (so far- these are actual listed side effects- except for the embellished abnormal dream component); shakiness; hostility or aggression; engaging in unusual or dangerous activities; chest palpitations; the hugging of house plants; desire to change light bulbs when they have not burnt out; acne; ear pain; an interest in clicking on George Michael Google results to be found on lyrics.com; high blood pressure; congestive heart failure; sensitivity to the sun; sensitivity to being mooned, especially by ugly people.

People who should avoid taking Cymbalta: should also avoid taking Cialis, Propecia, Lipitor, Lexepro, Celebrex- drugs I have left out of this column for the sake of brevity; people who think they are being brief if they restrict their column to 9 pages; those who talk a lot with their eyes closed; pee more when they’re nervous or cold; pinned their pants in 1984; those whose elbows have gotten bigger since their 30s; people who have filed frivolous lawsuits; have ever shaken hands with a type II diabetic; have ever advocated that Pakistan should give arms to tribal militias . . . ever advocated that they should give legs; those who have gone to the same dental hygienist twice a year for a decade and still don’t know her name; have always thought that there only should have been one edition of Walt Whitman’s collection of poetry- “Leaves of Grass”; have used alliteration to name their car; have been told that sighs that have meaning have been banned in the home.

10) Boniva (ibandronate sodium): used to combat osteoporosis.

Side effects may include: headaches; back pain; indigestion; an eagerness, in fourteen years, to pay ten times what a college tuition costs now; people who cannot get taxed enough; unexplained explanations; home foreclosure; vomiting; high cholesterol; weakness; infections; muscle pain; arthritis; dizziness; a spinning sensation; bronchitis; thumb pain; arm or leg pain; pneumonia; sore throat; bladder infection; constipation; prostipation; insomnia; somnia; throat pain; difficulty swallowing (potential esophageal ulcers); those with difficulty swallowing the cost of a senate recount for the taxpayer; severe heartburn; jaw or tooth problems; signs of an allergic reaction, including hives, itching, unexplained rash and unexplained swelling (they’re back- like evil Siamese twins).

People who should avoid taking Boniva: those that think bow-legged Oriental women are attractive; those who already look like Kirk Douglas/those who look like a jack-o-lantern still on someone’s front step on November 10th (same, same); people who think Oswald acted alone; people who think Jack Ruby acted alone; people who are annoyed by David Caruso’s (CSI-Miami) overacting; people who think that corporations should continue to be allowed to take American jobs overseas without any crippling affect on the greedy bastards making such moves; people who have kidnapped Mrs. Clause; and people for whom the threat of Santa’s omniscience and the elfish version of the posse comitatus/retributive justice is as ineffectual as the SEC; people who dispute that someone burns more calories standing up than when seated; those who had older sisters who had a suspected crush on Kirk Cameron- even when he was wearing pink, which was the old yellow; people who cred at the end of "Old Yeller"; people who have, through neglect, killed a cactus; those who are married to people that are so into being green, that they fear their spouse will actually hug a tree next year;

One final note: Courtesy of: http://www.drugs.com/cymbalta.html “Cymbalta can cause side effects that may impair your thinking or reactions. Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert." For example- ohhhhh, voting for instance. Should you have voted for a democrat or republican in the election a few weeks back, how can you have been administered this medication and the Independents should still, and again, be those who are depressed. Rhetorical question. I am probably not being adminstered Spiriva.
Seasons Greetings: Why, you ask, are there only 10 drugs, when I had promised, or threatened, the 12 drugs/days of christmas. This is a recession and I need to spend some time going over the voluntary leave packet that was disseminated last week at work before a whirlwind string of days where each day requires I be merry. I cannot spend all of my joy on this christmas column. I am tired of fighting Microsoft Vista and the Word application trying to figure out, post George Michael Virus, how to override the auto format functions and constant lower casing of the letter ‘C’ in the word Christmas. I cannot pronounce a holiday I do not religiously appreciate. Besides, my son is in a Blue’s Clues phase and I am strangely fascinated by the prospect of watching (again) the episode where Joe replaces Steve, who is off to college. Ahh, Christmas vacation, christmas vacation. Gotta go- I need to help the little Houdini get the remote, and keep him out of the Spritz cookies.