. . . AOTC

What's wrong with:

STAR WARS

Attack of the Clones

In an effort to avoid the irony of this ‘What’s Wrong With (WWW)’ being just as long as The Phantom

Menace’s, despite Attack of the Clones being a better movie, I’ll leave out the credentials I was going

to include which make me qualified to deliver an opinion on anything, let alone, on the most successful

movie franchise in the history of film.  So, let’s pretend I don’t have any qualifications. This puts me

in line with just about any fan who has called into a sports radio talk show and communicated a

viewpoint on the merits of instant replay in major league baseball and the limitations of the current

college football playoff system.

I saw the original, Star Wars, in the theater in 1977. And I love the franchise, still. Isn’t that enough

reason for anyone coming across these criticisms to conclude that I have a vested interest, like a

parent to a child, in getting the best out of them? Probably not. Anyone so thoroughly tackling the

topic of the demerits of Star Wars better be wearing a “Come at me Bro” T-shirt. Course, when the

probable audience of such an ornate dispute numbers in the single digits, I won’t bother. The world is

filled with people who just complain about things, who have questions, but no answers, and find faults

without fixes. I’m telling them what went wrong, and often, how it could have been better.

I’ve got Star Wars DNA with analytical and creative brain synapses constantly at odds. I majored in

English and minored in Writing. I've written my share of papers with theses and themes, have over

a decade of paid formal experience in fault finding, and pedaled a lifetime of un-quarantined opinions,

sometimes volcanic in their expression, and exclusively effusive in length. I’m surely, critics of criticism

might say, one of those guys who thinks they should be calling plays on the sidelines for an NFL team,

but who either can’t spit out a coherent thought on live radio, or regurgitates the same blather everyone

else is pedaling. No number of listed “qualifications” would be good enough for some people. So,

moving on.

Attack of the Clones (revamped rough new outline): 

Going with the theory I established last time out, where we scrap almost all of the TPM except

for the Darth Maul material, we will eventually have enough total film time to shoot a whole, additional,

and thankfully, a different movie. It would be like what Sam Kinison should have done, if he'd watched

his Live from Las Vegas show, filmed during a few months where he was coke free- the drug, not the

soda. He should have seen he had not written any jokes, was just bitching about things that he didn't

make funny, and tried it all over again.

Sure we’d find a way to have the introductions to C-3PO (being built by a young Anakin) and R2-D2

(making a name for himself by fixing the shield on the escape cruiser leaving Coruscant). We’d retain

a short scene where the two droids first meet each other.

AOTC would feature a slightly older version of Anakin (from the end of TPM) for the first half of the

movie and a still older version later in the second half of AOTC.

I’d trim or ditch much of the pod race part II- zooming around in a city chasing after a bounty hunter

was not at all compelling. More on that below.

Do we need 20 minutes of screen time devoted to Mr. Skywalker and Ms. Amidala finding each other

attractive?  Two scenes of 5 total minutes can show you people falling in love; romantic comedies

are able to achieve this consistently. By the time those movies are 20 minutes in, we’re convinced

the leading man and lady are meant for each other. Given what we already knew about Skywalker’s

antics and progeny, there was little work to do here. Have those who’ve helmed Star Wars movies

ever heard of a montage? There is an excellent use of a montage in The Theory of Everything,

showing the audience the passage of time from a wedding to the birth of a second child, a time

covering an estimated 3-4 years in just a minute or two on film. We only needed to be convinced

the future Darth Vader was infatuated in a span covering 1-4 days, which should have been revealed

on film in no more than 3-4 minutes of screen time.

The list of issues for AOTC, again preceded by a QA’s defect severity, signaling how distasteful

and damaging the error should have appeared to those in creative control, and how much it should

have, and has, impacted the release and appreciation of the film:

Medium

1) I start to wonder, why are several thousand solar systems at odds, and leaving the republic?

What is the actual plot of all of Star Wars? A power hungry chancellor, emperor, Sith lord wants to

control the entire galaxy/known universe?  What in the hell for? Because of a trade dispute? That

gets the ball rolling? That isn’t enough. At least with Hitler, the events of his youth, he was a soldier

in Germany’s loss of World War I, Versailles Treaty punishments, and his belief that Aryans were

good and Jews, blacks, communism and democracy were bad, gave him motivation; he was a

nationalist, a racist and he had a warped idea about the weak and the strong; he wanted to take

revenge and was insecure. Anakin’s motivations are clear, and the justifications for his actions are

too. The emperor’s are not; he didn’t want riches, adoration, a valuable supply of a rare natural

resource (food, water or vibranium), to win back the love of a maiden, to punish a rival, or to capture

a valuable amulet that is the key to a longer life.

High

2) 7 Jedi sit around and find that the dark side clouds everything. The mystical, intuitive, cultured,

diligent, experienced and engaged masters of their craft, have for ten years been suspecting evil is

afoot and are collectively unable to suspect anyone of anything. Very convenient plot device. You

either don’t have three movies without this convenience, or you have to work harder to make the

plot more interesting, to give it more depth; guess which option Lucas chose.

Severe

3) Yoda is shown with a suspecting face when Palpatine states that the senator should be

guarded for her safety and has no inkling about the chancellor, his tone of voice, never questions

Palpatine’s intentions, nor challenges Palpatine’s suggestions.  The way Palpatine speaks doesn’t

cause a wizard with 700+ years of experience to deduce that he should commune with his thoughts

and have Palpatine watched sooner than he did?

Low

4) Jar Jar- holy hell. Only a low because he is mostly invisible in the movie- too bad that isn’t true

of Jar Jar's screen time in TPM.

Low

5) The race to catch the bounty hunter Jango Fett hired is 8 minutes of another version of the pod

race.  Obi-Wan falls and Anakin jumps, and we’re supposed to believe they can each land safely

on a vehicle traveling at 50-80 miles per hour while tens of thousands of flying vehicles are

criss-crossing the sky at different levels.

6) Obi-Wan’s lines- “why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?” spoken to the

future Mr. Darth Vader, shows the ability, in this instance, of being self-aware.  That is the style of

humor that captures what the original trilogy had, which TPM and AOTC have sorely lacked.

7) Kenobi’s two lines to the nerd in the bar- “You don’t want to sell me death sticks” and “you want to

go home and rethink your life” are brilliantly reflexive, off-hand and well-placed. McGregor was an

excellent choice to play Obi-Wan.

Severe- because of the number of Jedi (1) sent to protect Padme, if she’s worth protecting

you don’t just send one (to keep the peace)

8) Why send one Jedi to watch a senator who has just survived an attempt on her life. Those

other Jedi masters have to take their Kowakian monkey-lizards to the vet? Run their younglings

to parsec-management classes? or just have some serious sitting around to do? This is an

unforgivable plot detail that doesn’t belong in a movie meant to attract the imaginations of any

movie-goer over the age of twelve.

Severe- because of the one Jedi they did send.  That isn’t a job for a Padawan and not for

that one in particular

9) Further, since the Jedi council has reservations about Anakin’s fear, anger and hate,

reservations that wouldn’t have been impeded from consciousness by the dark side, at least

not yet, considering he was 10 when they first met Anakin, why wouldn’t they send two or three

other Jedi along with Anakin, or even more reasonable, instead of Anakin? Obi-Wan is wisely

against the idea of him watching her. More on this in the deleted scenes section below.

Medium- (high if you believe you can film another movie by saving the time I’ve proposed)

10)  To go back to the run time, believability and motivation aspects of the movie- we don’t need

all of this to make the final cut to show two main characters falling in love-

a)    2 minutes on a transport taking Anakin and Padme to her planet

b)   30 seconds walking over a bridge

c)    3 minutes talking about politics

d)   3 minutes talking and the kiss on the balcony

e)    4 minutes riding some giant pig creature, a picnic and talking about politics

f)     4 minutes in a darkened room fireside about how they could keep it secret

g)    4 minutes about his dreams (which they had to include because of what he does to acquire his mother from the Sand People and the motivation and justification for what happens in Revenge of the Sith).  This is what was missing from TPM.

That is an estimated 20 minutes of screen time spent on a love story when no more than 5

minutes were needed. See #24.

Low- if they’d shown any ability to think outside the box, this would be a high

11) Darth Maul should have been cloned, especially after you found out that he existed, that the

clones of Jango Fett couldn’t shoot straight, and that you could make the clones less independent

than the original host.  Having 50, 90 (200 thousand?) Darth Mauls running around would have

blown our minds.

Note: the problem of Stormtroopers not shooting straight might come up again, but I’ll save that one.

Low- admittedly nitpicky- if I’m testing in an agile scrum methodology, this is probably the

defect I instant message to a developer and forget about because of all these other defects

12) If I learned about the existence of a clone army that no one else on my side knew about, I would

fake having to relieve myself so I could warn them, rather than do it out in a heavy rainstorm. His robes

would take on water like nobody's business.

Medium

13) We just accept that the Jedi are collectively blind about the dark side?  Yoda: “blind we are.”

14) Great fight scene between J. Fett and Obi-Wan

15) If he was having such horrible premonitions, why wouldn’t Anakin have gone back sooner for

his mother? At least we got a scene that shows Anakin’s fear and anger. His line is well-placed: “Why

did she have to die?” Foreshadowing the deal he makes with the Emperor. I’ll let this one slide.

Low

16) The droid army is the “finest army in the galaxy” . . . ahhhhh, sure, as long as it is the only army

in the galaxy.

Critical

17) Jar Jar proposes that the Supreme Chancellor should be granted emergency powers and the first

thing out of the Emperor’s mouth is that he will “create a grand army of the republic.”  When the good

guys find out the army is tens of thousands of grown men who know how to fight . . . er, know how to

fire a weap . . . ah, can hold a weapon, all those Jedi are in such a fog about how to determine who is

behind it that they do nothing between the end of the arena scene and the start of Revenge of the Sith?

18) Conveyor belt scene is an excellent action sequence. R2 is full of devices (jet propulsion). Any

chance he has a personal computer or Dictaphone to help with the script?

Low

19) “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Really? Really? You’re chained to a stone pillar in front of a few

thousand man-sized flying reptiles with giant killer beasts heading your way. Of course you have a

bad feeling. This is where I started thinking the Spidey-sense was more powerful than a Jedi’s knowledge

of the force. #saddened

20) Very, very well done arena fight scene on a grand scale, in part because you sacrificed some Jedi.

Perhaps the good guys are only safe when running around in the hallways of space stations.

Medium- for the totality of its smarm

21) Disgusting exchange with Anakin and Padme in the hull of the chariot:

“You call this a diplomatic solution?”

“No, I call it aggressive negotiations.” Followed by a couple of toothy grins. Who does that?  

Mr. Lucas, I implore you.

Low

22) A little disappointed in Obi-Wan’s heart/will- he appears to let a couple of flesh wounds sideline

him for the rest of the fight with Dooku.

Deleted scenes

Severe

23) Lucas: “the Jedi seem weak if they know something and can’t do anything about it.” Well, the

Jedi seem just as weak because they have no clue who is behind all of the manipulations. Guess

where I would propose to spend all of the time from the scenes I advised should be cut from the first

two movies?  Get the Jedi involved in chasing down the mystery enshrouding their political struggle.

This gives them all something to do besides sitting around for ten years meditating on the same

problem which definitely also makes them look weak, not to mention lazy.

Critical

24) They deleted a scene in which Obi-Wan tells Mace Windu that Anakin has an emotional

connection to Padme and that he should not have been given the assignment to watch her, that he’s

arrogant. Windu blows him off, dismissing Obi-Wan’s wisdom even though Kenobi’s opinion should

matter more considering how much he is respected, and that he has at least ten years of interactions

with Anakin on which to base his opinions. 

Lucas and team decide to leave the scene where Yoda, Obi-Wan and Windu, slowly walk through a

ship hanger, talking about matters not nearly as relevant, but delete the scene where Anakin’s state of

mind and attitude are concerned. Having a character as important as Obi-Wan giving his informed

opinion on the mental state of his very powerful and irrational charge (and a character in which

Lucas has admitted is the centerpiece of six films) is something you cannot delete from the film.

Infamous for computer-generating characters into the movies, the powers that be could have just

glued a floating Yoda into it, ran the better scene another minute or two longer to include anything of

value and call it good. It appears the mistakes in judgment on what to put in, and what to leave out, in

the new trilogy (The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi) are the mistake-laden descendants from earlier

movies.

One last thing- Lucas, justifying another cut of a non-essential scene, stated that he “got really hard

nosed about the length of the film”.  No, no you didn’t. A movie's length should not be the prime

deterrent determining scene inclusions and exclusions. If a scene is well written, well acted, placed

in the right sequence, is relevant to the story, true to the character and compelling, put the damn thing

in. I don't believe the "better" scene I reference above was all of those things, but it certainly hit more

of those marks than the one Lucas left in.

Barbara Streisand, W.C. Fields, Pinocchio and Cyrano de Bergerac are famous for their

hard noses, well, famous for their big noses anyway; George Lucas, it could be argued, is, one,

not hard-nosed, and two, is about as famous now for the decline of Star Wars as he is for its rise.

More on that in Return of the Jedi (WWW).