The present letter is a very long one, simply because I had no leisure to make it shorter.
- Blaise Pascal
Why?- Baseball’s short off-season is essentially over as pitchers and catchers will soon begin reporting. The NCAA basketball tournament that comprises “March Madness” is not yet upon us; and the NFL season has just ended- so why in the hell would someone write a jumble of things about sports that don’t seem all that timely? Yeah, I’m crazy- I really should be writing about how I should take a Condiment Allocation Technique class so that I could learn how much ketchup, barbecue sauce, mayonnaise, mustard, and salad dressing I should use on my food, because I can’t test out of the most remedial of condiment-usage classes. But, no one would read that blog either . . .
Frick(in) asterisks- It was Ford Frick, who as commissioner of baseball in 1961, added an asterisk to Roger Maris' record of 61 home runs in a season because he played in 8 more games than did Babe Ruth- (Ruth hit 60 homers in 1927). Some revisionists have claimed that this is unfair. Why? With 8 more games played- that equates to roughly 30 more at bats- 30 more chances to hit a home run than Ruth had. Napoleon said: "Ability is nothing without opportunity". Of course, he was probably applying that more toward the hostile military takeover of countries than to an athlete’s total number of chances at success or victory; even so, the quote is just as applicable to sports as it is to despotism- (the two may be more closely aligned than one might think- think of Adolf Hitler and Duke basketball- more on this later). It seems that Frick’s fine use of the asterisk is the best thing done by a commissioner since the Sistine Chapel was commissioned by Pope Julius II in 1508. Yep, about 450 years separate great decisions by commissioners. As the baseball season gets underway, and Bonds strides closer to Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record- Bud Selig, as commissioner should put at least one asterisk next to Bonds’ name in the record book, because the guy has been using steroids for at least the last 5 years which enabled him to hit so many home runs.
The wealth of opportunity- Along with the increase in the number of games added to the regular season in baseball, there have been more teams qualifying for the playoffs in baseball, football, hockey, and college and professional basketball over the past 30 years. Aside from providing more owners in the leagues, and the leagues themselves with increased revenue, it affords more individuals and teams to win games and break records set in shorter post-seasons. When assessing degrees of success in sports, as in life, you must gauge the opportunities one has and if the opportunities are unequal to another competitors then you have to be objective about the achievement- and use asterisks if you have to. It may seem as if noting where the playing field is not exactly level is a nuance of the game that many sports fans overlook.
* when an ESPN anchor indicates that Andy Petitte is the pitcher who has won the most games in the post-season, an asterisk should be next to his name which indicates that he had three times the opportunities as Whitey Ford.
* when Barry Bonds breaks Henry Aaron's career home run record an asterisk should go in the record books which indicates that he used steroids. The opportunity, and likely the inclination, were never there for Hank Aaron to do the same. Yeah, this is a stretch of my theme about objectivity and opportunity, but I felt like nailing Bonds.
* when it is stated that Mike Krzyzewski holds the record for most coaching victories in the NCAA tournament (66)- it must be kept in mind that two additional rounds were added in the late 70s, a few years after John Wooden (47 victories) retired. Duke coach Krzyzewski plays cupcake opponents the first two rounds every year- there was tougher competition for Wooden. John Wooden won 10 National Championships- give him 20 more wins (two for each year he won the title because the field was much smaller than the 64 teams that have particpated since 1979, four years after Wooden retired) and one more for each of the championship years because they gave byes to the top seeds- and Wooden would have 77 tournament wins. Coach K will still break that record, but Coach Ke has already coached more NCAA tournament games (87) than Wooden who has coached no more than 70.
* Kobe Bryant took four fewer shots (24) in last night’s ALL-STAR GAME than the rest of the Western Conference’s starting lineup combined; the epitome of selfish; this guy elbowed an opponent in the head in an unnatural follow-through to his shot after it was blocked a couple of weeks ago and complained that he was suspended for one game; then you see the former NBA brainiacs complain that Kobe should not have been suspended at all, that the punishment is extreme because he doesn’t have a history of violence- he was suspended last year for going after someone’s head in a regular season game; his elbows could have been registered as lethal weapons during the Lakers’ first round playoff series with the Phoenix Suns last year, and lest we forget, he “allegedly” anally raped a woman in a Colorado hotel room a few years ago (yeah, there is no history of violence there);
* Shawne Merriman, a linebacker for the San Diego Chargers, was suspended for four games under the NFL’s substance abuse policy and was judged worthy enough to go to the Pro Bowl . . . after a season in which he was suspended for using an illegal drug that enhanced his performance;
* Next, someone will tell me that a NASCAR driver will be allowed to race in the Daytona 500 after his car’s engine will be found to contain a substance used in jet fuel . . . what’s that? Oh, that just happened- unbelievable judgment displayed by the governing bodies of professional sports.
I would rather- defend Richard Simmons as a heterosexual, teach a sheep to de-tassle a field of corn, or be forced to have sex with a female pig, knowing my life depended on them having a good time- and being aware that it takes them 30 minutes to climax (hello Viagra) than to teach my son that one player or coach is better than someone else simply because they have taken the most shots or scored the most points, hit the most home runs, have the most victories, or even because they have the most asterisks next to their name. Sometimes the asterisk is the mark of shame; sometimes it denotes special achievement; sometimes it qualifies the numbers or the words that follow it and sometimes, to me at least, it is noticeably absent from the shreds of information people see fit to include as the weight of one man's athletic achievement. I will teach my son to be aware that those that write history and the history of sports are human *.
* - human and therefore flawed
Monday, February 19, 2007
Sunday, February 4, 2007
A Modest Proposal . . . for the treatment of books written by “Celebrity” “Authors”
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the total estimated cost to raise a child to age 18, based on a report filed in 2004 is $269k, and that does not include college. According to me, in a 2006 realization- too many celebrities are publishing children’s books. So, using this line of deductive reasoning- I’ve concluded that all infant spiders love vanilla ice cream. Ok, just kidding.
But Seriously: Katie Couric, John Travolta, John Lithgow, Jerry Seinfeld, Jayne Seymour and Jamie Lee Curtis are all “authors” of children’s books. The phenomenon of celebrities writing books for children isn’t a new one- as Karen Macpherson, writing for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, cited the Hollywood heavyweight names of Roy Rogers, Frank Sinatra, Shirley Temple and Elizabeth Taylor as famous people who have added the term child’s book “author” to their list of accomplishments. Just this past year- Terrell Owens wrote a book that boasted the title- “Little T Learns to Share”, quite a lesson in morality I’m sure. I would rather have my life depend on my ability to teach a cricket to dress seductively enough to land a tiger shark, than to be forced to read a book written by Owens. He has a better chance of becoming a participant in a dog orgy than to participate in an activity that might resemble moral behavior. Thankfully however, only one children’s book “written” by a celebrity has made it into my house and I’m considering burning that one when I start up the annual Super Bowl day fire this afternoon.
The Magically Mysterious Adventures: When my son goes to the shelf to select a book for me to read to him and unwittingly decides upon Gloria Estefan’s book- “Noelle the Bulldog” a part of me dies inside. I cringe and convulse and sweat as if I’ve been told I have fish odor syndrome and feel as if I am being treated like the guy from "A Clockwork Orange" in order to suffer through my son’s take on aversion therapy. I must answer to my son’s demand of being read to while sardonically delivering near-rhymes Estefan’s tarot card reader probably came up with. As I’m weeping uncontrollably after reading such couplets as:
Then they swam close together and, lifting her high,
Put her back on dry land and at once they all cried,
AND
We thought everyone everywhere knew how to swim.
So did I, said Noelle. That’s why I jumped in.
I can also almost feel my ears bleeding. Dreaming at once that I should be thankful for not being able to hear such worthless crap, while thinking how I must sound to my son if I cannot hear my own words (hey, my ears are bleeding- I’m a realist). I would sound as if I had taken too much of Seymour Correctly’s heart medication.*
Father, son, and holy cow: I read the books my son wants me to read, or doesn’t yet know he wants me to read, and I’ve started doing the same for my daughter. The two of them are so darn cute and precious you want to do something as integral and fun as read to them. What else am I going to do- BLOG? Just two weeks ago I got my four-month-old daughter to giggle for the first time without cheating. Meaning- I was being a dork without tickling her. My son has taken to consecrating bovines with his familiar- "holy cow"- hilarious. As a parent you have to: keep your kids from throwing food on the floor, be prepared to change their diaper 8 times a day, keep them from drinking their own bath water, keep them from eating books (more on this below), and watch Johnny and the Sprites. Yuck! Sometimes I think I would rather give a chihuahua a prostate exam.
The joys of parenting: Trying to put socks on a baby is more difficult than getting a night-crawler on a hook on a windy day when you’re fishing on Lake Mille Lacs. The frenzied or happy kicking is the equivalent to rock-em sock-em robots . Kids say things like “fun” when you ask them how their hot dog is or how their nap was- this is priceless. It would be interesting to know the etymology of the word “saw” when it is used by a toddler as a synonym for any type of fan- (even the one that keeps the big boar cool at the Minnesota State Fair). Between their cooing and how it feels to hold them as they squirm as infants to cleaning up their #2s that are “five wipe jobs” and q-tipping French toast vomit from a heat register, you can’t help but love them; to slightly alter a line from “Apocalypse Now”- “there’s nothing like the smell”** of heated vomit in the afternoon. The other life I might have lived had I not been married and been fortunate enough to have kids, I miss in my mind every day, but it is hard to equal the innocence and dependence of a little child who depends on you, or the woman you love who is much more adept at being depended upon.
The subjection of children . . . and adults: The fact that you love your kids so much makes it hard to subject them- and you, to the reality of published books that bear the name of someone whose fame was initially derived from acting, or singing, or just general notoriety. Case in point- if Madonna can publish a book for children- what’s next? Courtney Love’s ode to virginity for little girls. My son is fast approaching his second birthday and we have repeatedly STOPPED him from consuming books. The floor of our house is blanketed with frayed Disney, Sesame Street, and Sandra Boynton books because of my son's teething. These are respected, legitimate page-turners, that kids have grown up with for years. It would be sad to know that respected children's books such as “Goodnight Moon” or “Where the Wild Things Are” were written by someone whose only reason for getting published was because they thought they were qualified, were disillusioned by the mundane nature of their hollywood lives or because people know they are celebrities. I first became aware of this unfortunate success of the unworthy authors in the entertainment business when I heard Jimmy Stewart recite a poem he wrote about cats on the Johnny Carson show. Jimmy Stewart- American icon, marginal actor- not a poet.
Another modest proposal: in 1729 Jonathon Swift published a revolutionary satirical essay he called- “A Modest Proposal”. In 2007 I plan to gather my notes and write a children’s book that contains much of the material contained in the Joys of parenting paragraph above- as I am not a celebrity and actually have a talent for writing and have never been famous- I don't imagine it will be published- lest I publish it myself. My advice for all parents out there, to combat this onslaught of unqualified “authors” is somewhat akin to what Swift proposed in his essay so many years ago- he tongue in cheek advocated the poor of Ireland sell their children to be used as food as a way of earning money. All I’m doing is urging people to not buy books “written” by “celebrities” so that those who have great ideas and have yet to lead interesting lives can do so by getting their child’s book or novel published. Jealous? Yes, and mindful that publishers may use some of the money gained from celebrity authors to attempt to push books written by non celebrities, I am indeed disgusted by an untalented person, in any field, rewarded for something they have not earned. Celebrity "authors" should feel the way the Pittsburgh Steelers should have felt after "winning" last year's Super Bowl- because of all the blown calls by the officials- they should feel as if they had not earned their "achievement". My idea- what to tell your child if you see a book written by LL Cool J, Tyra Banks, Eminem or Reese Witherspoon come into your house and your aural-staged infant on their way to toddler-dum acquires a "taste" for it- hmmm . . . what to tell them . . . bon appetit!
Postscript- 1) Synchronicity at its finest- Gloria Estefan introduced the opening act at the Super Bowl; 2) My son has the flu- don't have time for a fire- guess I'll have to burn her book next weekend.
* See Seymour’s two part guest column on racism from January 3rd and 12th. A side effect of heart medication is a thick tongue.
** The rest of the line is- “napalm in the morning.”
But Seriously: Katie Couric, John Travolta, John Lithgow, Jerry Seinfeld, Jayne Seymour and Jamie Lee Curtis are all “authors” of children’s books. The phenomenon of celebrities writing books for children isn’t a new one- as Karen Macpherson, writing for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, cited the Hollywood heavyweight names of Roy Rogers, Frank Sinatra, Shirley Temple and Elizabeth Taylor as famous people who have added the term child’s book “author” to their list of accomplishments. Just this past year- Terrell Owens wrote a book that boasted the title- “Little T Learns to Share”, quite a lesson in morality I’m sure. I would rather have my life depend on my ability to teach a cricket to dress seductively enough to land a tiger shark, than to be forced to read a book written by Owens. He has a better chance of becoming a participant in a dog orgy than to participate in an activity that might resemble moral behavior. Thankfully however, only one children’s book “written” by a celebrity has made it into my house and I’m considering burning that one when I start up the annual Super Bowl day fire this afternoon.
The Magically Mysterious Adventures: When my son goes to the shelf to select a book for me to read to him and unwittingly decides upon Gloria Estefan’s book- “Noelle the Bulldog” a part of me dies inside. I cringe and convulse and sweat as if I’ve been told I have fish odor syndrome and feel as if I am being treated like the guy from "A Clockwork Orange" in order to suffer through my son’s take on aversion therapy. I must answer to my son’s demand of being read to while sardonically delivering near-rhymes Estefan’s tarot card reader probably came up with. As I’m weeping uncontrollably after reading such couplets as:
Then they swam close together and, lifting her high,
Put her back on dry land and at once they all cried,
AND
We thought everyone everywhere knew how to swim.
So did I, said Noelle. That’s why I jumped in.
I can also almost feel my ears bleeding. Dreaming at once that I should be thankful for not being able to hear such worthless crap, while thinking how I must sound to my son if I cannot hear my own words (hey, my ears are bleeding- I’m a realist). I would sound as if I had taken too much of Seymour Correctly’s heart medication.*
Father, son, and holy cow: I read the books my son wants me to read, or doesn’t yet know he wants me to read, and I’ve started doing the same for my daughter. The two of them are so darn cute and precious you want to do something as integral and fun as read to them. What else am I going to do- BLOG? Just two weeks ago I got my four-month-old daughter to giggle for the first time without cheating. Meaning- I was being a dork without tickling her. My son has taken to consecrating bovines with his familiar- "holy cow"- hilarious. As a parent you have to: keep your kids from throwing food on the floor, be prepared to change their diaper 8 times a day, keep them from drinking their own bath water, keep them from eating books (more on this below), and watch Johnny and the Sprites. Yuck! Sometimes I think I would rather give a chihuahua a prostate exam.
The joys of parenting: Trying to put socks on a baby is more difficult than getting a night-crawler on a hook on a windy day when you’re fishing on Lake Mille Lacs. The frenzied or happy kicking is the equivalent to rock-em sock-em robots . Kids say things like “fun” when you ask them how their hot dog is or how their nap was- this is priceless. It would be interesting to know the etymology of the word “saw” when it is used by a toddler as a synonym for any type of fan- (even the one that keeps the big boar cool at the Minnesota State Fair). Between their cooing and how it feels to hold them as they squirm as infants to cleaning up their #2s that are “five wipe jobs” and q-tipping French toast vomit from a heat register, you can’t help but love them; to slightly alter a line from “Apocalypse Now”- “there’s nothing like the smell”** of heated vomit in the afternoon. The other life I might have lived had I not been married and been fortunate enough to have kids, I miss in my mind every day, but it is hard to equal the innocence and dependence of a little child who depends on you, or the woman you love who is much more adept at being depended upon.
The subjection of children . . . and adults: The fact that you love your kids so much makes it hard to subject them- and you, to the reality of published books that bear the name of someone whose fame was initially derived from acting, or singing, or just general notoriety. Case in point- if Madonna can publish a book for children- what’s next? Courtney Love’s ode to virginity for little girls. My son is fast approaching his second birthday and we have repeatedly STOPPED him from consuming books. The floor of our house is blanketed with frayed Disney, Sesame Street, and Sandra Boynton books because of my son's teething. These are respected, legitimate page-turners, that kids have grown up with for years. It would be sad to know that respected children's books such as “Goodnight Moon” or “Where the Wild Things Are” were written by someone whose only reason for getting published was because they thought they were qualified, were disillusioned by the mundane nature of their hollywood lives or because people know they are celebrities. I first became aware of this unfortunate success of the unworthy authors in the entertainment business when I heard Jimmy Stewart recite a poem he wrote about cats on the Johnny Carson show. Jimmy Stewart- American icon, marginal actor- not a poet.
Another modest proposal: in 1729 Jonathon Swift published a revolutionary satirical essay he called- “A Modest Proposal”. In 2007 I plan to gather my notes and write a children’s book that contains much of the material contained in the Joys of parenting paragraph above- as I am not a celebrity and actually have a talent for writing and have never been famous- I don't imagine it will be published- lest I publish it myself. My advice for all parents out there, to combat this onslaught of unqualified “authors” is somewhat akin to what Swift proposed in his essay so many years ago- he tongue in cheek advocated the poor of Ireland sell their children to be used as food as a way of earning money. All I’m doing is urging people to not buy books “written” by “celebrities” so that those who have great ideas and have yet to lead interesting lives can do so by getting their child’s book or novel published. Jealous? Yes, and mindful that publishers may use some of the money gained from celebrity authors to attempt to push books written by non celebrities, I am indeed disgusted by an untalented person, in any field, rewarded for something they have not earned. Celebrity "authors" should feel the way the Pittsburgh Steelers should have felt after "winning" last year's Super Bowl- because of all the blown calls by the officials- they should feel as if they had not earned their "achievement". My idea- what to tell your child if you see a book written by LL Cool J, Tyra Banks, Eminem or Reese Witherspoon come into your house and your aural-staged infant on their way to toddler-dum acquires a "taste" for it- hmmm . . . what to tell them . . . bon appetit!
Postscript- 1) Synchronicity at its finest- Gloria Estefan introduced the opening act at the Super Bowl; 2) My son has the flu- don't have time for a fire- guess I'll have to burn her book next weekend.
* See Seymour’s two part guest column on racism from January 3rd and 12th. A side effect of heart medication is a thick tongue.
** The rest of the line is- “napalm in the morning.”
Friday, January 26, 2007
American Idol- Idolize Honesty
HeHeHeHeHe: I think it was Butthead from Beavis and Butthead fame who said something like- in order to know what is cool you have to know what sucks. I could quote Alexander Pope’s famous couplet about poets and critics who are partial to their wit and judgment respectively, and I could talk about "relative motion" and chiarascuro, the latter is an artistic device used by artists such as Rembrandt to represent their subjects with extreme contrasts between light and darkness, but I won't do that this time- I'll just get to it.:
American Idol: A couple months ago I wrote about delusional qualities and often the main theme of either my or my guest columnists offerings addresses the idea of objectivity or judgment, or judgment about one’s objectivity (ie. Of people having delusional qualities because of an objectivity dysfunction) . This column is about delusional qualities as it pertains to talent- specifically noting that the American Idol auditions are televised on Tuesday and Wednesday nights at this time of the year.
Lest Ye Be Judged: Enough people have complained about the qualifications of the judges, their abrasiveness (Simon Cowell), physical appearance (Randy Jackson), or mental capacity, given suspected substance-abuse (Paula Abdul). While I can’t always agree with Simon, he is the one, of the three, providing the best criticism and the most spot on advice. Now, when he tells someone they are fat, or that they look like an African monkey, well, that is insight I’d just as soon he swallowed, because it is a singing competition. Would you tell a person with terrible eyesight that they aren’t very good at suffering through paralytic shellfish poisoning? Right- they have nothing to do with each other. You may be dumbfounded by the analogy. Sorry ‘bout that- just work it out. His criticism is entertaining, and it is part of the reason that even those who complain about it, watch the show- in record numbers. When one contestant asked what they could do to improve their performance- Simon said “leave”. You can’t beat comments like that. Everyone is a critic and the biblical verse that states- “judge not, lest ye be judged.” That is what we do in this country, we observe and acknowledge the fact that we have observed by commenting on what we see.
Honesty- is such a lonely word: Not that I’m the equivalent of a Supreme Court Justice when it comes to judging talent, where singing is concerned- I’m a layman when it comes to musical talent, seem to be tone deaf and acknowledge that a blind pig could play a better riff on the guitar. “If I’m being honest” (to use a pet phrase of Simon’s) I would make the ears of a bandicoot bleed if it heard me sing. But, much like I don’t think one needs to be a parent in order to have an acceptable opinion about how relatives, in-laws, or complete strangers parent their children, I don’t need to be a singer in order to have an opinion about who can sing and who cannot. I do think I have the pre-requisites of judgment and objectivity in order to back Simon in his successful attempts to humiliate the hell out of people who have absolutely no talent for singing- but legitimately think they do. And, by doing so, he is providing Americans with some much needed entertainment in this worst of all months- (January) even if it was named after me.
More Animal Comparisons: I am not saying that you destroy the dream of a stranger, or your own child for that matter, by telling them that they are ugly, throw like a giraffe, can’t play the banjo using their own back hair, or are terrible at athletic, academic or artistic endeavors. The reasonably good, who have the work ethic or natural talent and want to improve should be encouraged to stick with it. But the absolutely horrendous, who are lazy, maniacal, apathetic, subjective blow-hards who sustain themselves by eating their own BS should be ridiculed until they weep uncontrollably and are resolved to discontinue the pursuit of something for which they don’t want to work hard enough. Or, if they weren’t lucky enough to have fate intervene to visit talent upon them, and they keep unwittingly subjecting relatives and friends to a tone emenating from their mouth so bad that the posture of a Meerkat is severely affected by their wanting to cover their ears while they stand to look for predators- well, it is time to give up.
Accountability: The only thing missing from the equation when criticism is constructively and objectively doled out is accountability on the part of those who are receiving the critique. Can they look at themselves in the mirror and sans delusion, ego, cognitive dissonance, and devoid of narcissism- recognize the fact- to put it bluntly- that they suck. I think we have far too many spineless parents delaying the inevitable of telling their son or daughter that they suck- and that they should stop making people feel like they have to lie to them. Parents and friends must be accountable too.
Won what I've worked for: Now, I haven’t won much in my life in terms of awards or trophies, or even the hearts of the opposite sex for that matter- but I know this- I’ve won what I’ve worked for. These kids today are handed everything- EVERYTHING!- allowance money they haven't worked for, video game systems that have lost their novelty two weeks after Christmas, bicycles, automobiles. But the thing that is most harmful to them is the faint praise delivered to them by a parent whom they should rather respect for their honesty, for their ability to say NO, or STOP, or DON’T, or here is how you do this, or let me help you, or YOU HAVE TO WORK HARDER! These parents need to tell their kids to work harder or to blame them for their lack of talent, because mom or dad didn't recessively carry the good at singing gene or the good at being amusing gene. Or, parents could tell their kids to blame god (HAHAHAHA).
American Idol: A couple months ago I wrote about delusional qualities and often the main theme of either my or my guest columnists offerings addresses the idea of objectivity or judgment, or judgment about one’s objectivity (ie. Of people having delusional qualities because of an objectivity dysfunction) . This column is about delusional qualities as it pertains to talent- specifically noting that the American Idol auditions are televised on Tuesday and Wednesday nights at this time of the year.
Lest Ye Be Judged: Enough people have complained about the qualifications of the judges, their abrasiveness (Simon Cowell), physical appearance (Randy Jackson), or mental capacity, given suspected substance-abuse (Paula Abdul). While I can’t always agree with Simon, he is the one, of the three, providing the best criticism and the most spot on advice. Now, when he tells someone they are fat, or that they look like an African monkey, well, that is insight I’d just as soon he swallowed, because it is a singing competition. Would you tell a person with terrible eyesight that they aren’t very good at suffering through paralytic shellfish poisoning? Right- they have nothing to do with each other. You may be dumbfounded by the analogy. Sorry ‘bout that- just work it out. His criticism is entertaining, and it is part of the reason that even those who complain about it, watch the show- in record numbers. When one contestant asked what they could do to improve their performance- Simon said “leave”. You can’t beat comments like that. Everyone is a critic and the biblical verse that states- “judge not, lest ye be judged.” That is what we do in this country, we observe and acknowledge the fact that we have observed by commenting on what we see.
Honesty- is such a lonely word: Not that I’m the equivalent of a Supreme Court Justice when it comes to judging talent, where singing is concerned- I’m a layman when it comes to musical talent, seem to be tone deaf and acknowledge that a blind pig could play a better riff on the guitar. “If I’m being honest” (to use a pet phrase of Simon’s) I would make the ears of a bandicoot bleed if it heard me sing. But, much like I don’t think one needs to be a parent in order to have an acceptable opinion about how relatives, in-laws, or complete strangers parent their children, I don’t need to be a singer in order to have an opinion about who can sing and who cannot. I do think I have the pre-requisites of judgment and objectivity in order to back Simon in his successful attempts to humiliate the hell out of people who have absolutely no talent for singing- but legitimately think they do. And, by doing so, he is providing Americans with some much needed entertainment in this worst of all months- (January) even if it was named after me.
More Animal Comparisons: I am not saying that you destroy the dream of a stranger, or your own child for that matter, by telling them that they are ugly, throw like a giraffe, can’t play the banjo using their own back hair, or are terrible at athletic, academic or artistic endeavors. The reasonably good, who have the work ethic or natural talent and want to improve should be encouraged to stick with it. But the absolutely horrendous, who are lazy, maniacal, apathetic, subjective blow-hards who sustain themselves by eating their own BS should be ridiculed until they weep uncontrollably and are resolved to discontinue the pursuit of something for which they don’t want to work hard enough. Or, if they weren’t lucky enough to have fate intervene to visit talent upon them, and they keep unwittingly subjecting relatives and friends to a tone emenating from their mouth so bad that the posture of a Meerkat is severely affected by their wanting to cover their ears while they stand to look for predators- well, it is time to give up.
Accountability: The only thing missing from the equation when criticism is constructively and objectively doled out is accountability on the part of those who are receiving the critique. Can they look at themselves in the mirror and sans delusion, ego, cognitive dissonance, and devoid of narcissism- recognize the fact- to put it bluntly- that they suck. I think we have far too many spineless parents delaying the inevitable of telling their son or daughter that they suck- and that they should stop making people feel like they have to lie to them. Parents and friends must be accountable too.
Won what I've worked for: Now, I haven’t won much in my life in terms of awards or trophies, or even the hearts of the opposite sex for that matter- but I know this- I’ve won what I’ve worked for. These kids today are handed everything- EVERYTHING!- allowance money they haven't worked for, video game systems that have lost their novelty two weeks after Christmas, bicycles, automobiles. But the thing that is most harmful to them is the faint praise delivered to them by a parent whom they should rather respect for their honesty, for their ability to say NO, or STOP, or DON’T, or here is how you do this, or let me help you, or YOU HAVE TO WORK HARDER! These parents need to tell their kids to work harder or to blame them for their lack of talent, because mom or dad didn't recessively carry the good at singing gene or the good at being amusing gene. Or, parents could tell their kids to blame god (HAHAHAHA).
Friday, January 12, 2007
Racism Part II- (Guest columnist- Seymour Correctly)
Ok, so this will not have much to do with Sneetches- as I just used that to set up the argument in Part I.
Disclaimer: Much like Janus’ take on immigrants- (that he would rather trade some of the white-trash in this country, for immigrants here legally, who will play by our rules) I will also take this stance. I would support a victim, defend an acquaintance, and honor the memory of any black person- and I don’t believe having to qualify it in that way should be the focus of the reader (to the extent there is one) of this offering. I would entrust my well-being to the many black citizens I’ve known who are as fundamentally good as any white person.
Never the Twain shall meet: Mark Twain wrote: “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.” On the topic of racism and nearly every topic that comes to mind- you can find “facts” or information, dressed in numbers (with argument-accessories such as percentages, fractions, decimals) So, if I don’t have too many facts on the topic of racism, while there may be some, they are always going to be considered distorted by the person on the other side of the argument. If I told you that 50% of blue-eyed 80 year-old southpaws with enlarged prostates, and a blood sugar .0007 milliliters higher than average, who live in suburbs of Tallahasee voted democratic in the last presidential election what would that information do for you? Facts, while important, are not as important as significant truth- and as truth is subjective- good luck finding comprehensive, objective, quantifiable truth in many arguments that proves your case, or disproves another’s, for your opponent will bastardize “your” numbers and make you each look like pimps.
“Edit” (eeedit): Archie Bunker is probably the most famous racist and I instantly think of him in connection with this topic. I did a google search for: “famous racists”. The search engine returned articles on Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond, William Rehnquist, Michael Richards and Mel Gibson. The list seems a little incomplete for my taste. I think Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan are noticeably absent. Hey, the former five have too many strikes against them to save them from being considered racists, but so should the latter three. Farrahkan was one of the major draws at an event called “The Million Man March” that protested the result of the 2004 congressional elections- which only allowed black men to participate. And Sharpton and Jackson, if you haven’t been paying attention, bookend the volume of black citizens supposed to have been slighted, in one manner or another, and outlandishly support them in a manner that is bon-a-fide criminal . . . and racist I might add. Jackson and Sharpton actually believe what they think. That make sense? Believe what they think? Yes, that is what I mean- even if it does sound like a Yogi Berra line from an Aflac commercial.
I would rather: . . . befriend a bi-sexual camel with a speech impediment . . . have a mannequin fetish. . . be cursed with scurvy in space dodging meteorites with cut outs of an ex-wife who moved to Wichita thirty-five years ago . . . deliver sushi on my buttocks to Elton John’s dressing room while he and his domestic partner are on a “break” . . . have my ears bled by having “author” Gloria Estefan read me her pathetic excuse for a children’s book . . . suffer a groin injury more serious than Marion Gaborik's by attempting to bite off the calluses from my big toe than to incessantly hear any more charges of racism against anyone. We clearly need to take the right to be offended away from anyone whose litmus test for being offended is the equivalent of claiming ones toe was stubbed on a doggy chew toy.
The numbers don’t lie: Oh hell, I can’t cite a percentage of people who are racist or who have made a racist charge- or more difficult still- think racist thoughts. Proving this is difficult and is better left to the court of public opinion- which is where the OJ trial should have been conducted. The number of black NFL head coaches in 2006 was less than 20% and praising the firing of Denny Green, which further reduces the percentage, isn’t racist; the number of black owners, athletic directors, and general managers is terribly small in comparison to the percentage of athletes participating in major sports- no numbers will look good here. A recent tv commercial tells that 40,000 deaths were linked to second-hand smoke in the past year- do you think that tobacco companies and smokers would agree with that number? Do you think companies who make a serious prophet from the production and use of emission fuels would support the numbers about average temperatures going up, polar ice-caps melting and El Nino when those numbers are in connection with the likelihood that the era of global warming is upon us because of these emission fuels? No, they would simply hire a company to skew the numbers their way.
Here I would have addressed the socio-economic disparity between poor and rich as the larger issue- Janus has told me to focus on the notion of racist charges rather than to open up another can of worms.
Some racist observations- Whites have not had exclusionary million man marches comprised of only white men. After a basket-brawl last month in New York, Knicks player Steve Francis mentioned that the amount of coverage following the brawl was racist. More than 75% of the NBA is comprised of blacks. No one cares what you have to say about suspected racially motivated NEWS coverage when multiple BLACK men desire to beat the living hell out of each other- when you are paid to throw a ball through a metal ring- you don't have any respectible perpective. Blacks have their own television channel- BET; whites do not. When a white leader criticizes the leadership and demeanor of its own race (just as Bill Cosby did against his own race) he/she is not called an Uncle Tom. There is a Miss Black USA pageants- there are not Miss White USA pageants. Hell, when Ted Danson dressed in black-face, it was racist . . . even though a black woman comedian, and his girlfriend at the time, (Whoopi Goldberg) advised him to do so. The result was more unfunny and pathetic than it was racist. Hey, when was the last time a white person was spotted on the WB? The Yehti is more accessible. I would delve into topics such as affirmative action policies, racial profiling quibbles, the affront that is minority hiring practices in major college and professional sports, Rush Limbaugh’s thoughts on Donovan Mcnabb, Jackie Robinson specifically and the breaking of the color barrier in pro sports generally, slavery reparations, Muhammed Ali's war with the US government, the possibility of Colin Powell ever running for president and the use of colored drinking fountains well into the 1960s, but I don’t have the space to trot out someone’s idea of numerical, statistical legitimacy.
McMonkey McBean: I believe this is what McBean would have said- had the Sneetches all been comfortable with their star-belly status- whereby, he would not have been able to make money-
Those darn Sneetches are too comfortable here-
I cannot approach them on the beach it is clear,
For they seem too content with their star-belly status
So I’ll have to find out where the cat in the hat is.
I’ll change him- I hope he is not like these Sneetches.
For all of these Sneetches are just sons-of-a-beaches.
The cure for Racism: Here is the simple solution- the panacea- to use one of Janus' words- white thugs- continue to buy the cds of black rappers so that they’ll eventually discover that white kids are the people financially supporting them; black men and women- stop saying that everyone and everything is racist- cement, manilla folders, sheets of paper, etc- it is hard for these things to defend themselves- hmmm. Paracelsus, a Swiss alchemist and physician mentioned that- the dose makes the poison. This means that the amount of something can be harmful- so, while three Tylenol can cure a headache, 50 could kill you. I just mean that you take away impact, for the dose- the number of times the charge of racism is used will eventually, (one can hope) minimize the effect. So, it renders a legitimate charge meaningless, and even I do not wish it to be so. In short, slighted blacks cry wolf far too often. Along with that, let us also punish Liberal apologists who metaphorically had the stars removed from their bellies long ago- stop bending over backwards to legitimize bogus racist charges! The liberals are like the attorneys who will take any case if it offers them the chance to cash in whether it be monetarily or conscience-clearing (thinking slavery reparations here) for something their neighbor's great-great-great-grandfather might have done. Case in point- an attorney took the case on behalf of the black strippers who concocted the idea they were raped by three white Duke lacrosse players. I believe that attorney might be facing charges that could lead to his disbarment. Apparently, as Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are not in prison- being a prick is not a crime- not even when you're a black racist.
After having written this, as a white man, I can’t prove I’m not a racist; but, as a black man, after reading it you may have just as much to prove.
Disclaimer: Much like Janus’ take on immigrants- (that he would rather trade some of the white-trash in this country, for immigrants here legally, who will play by our rules) I will also take this stance. I would support a victim, defend an acquaintance, and honor the memory of any black person- and I don’t believe having to qualify it in that way should be the focus of the reader (to the extent there is one) of this offering. I would entrust my well-being to the many black citizens I’ve known who are as fundamentally good as any white person.
Never the Twain shall meet: Mark Twain wrote: “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.” On the topic of racism and nearly every topic that comes to mind- you can find “facts” or information, dressed in numbers (with argument-accessories such as percentages, fractions, decimals) So, if I don’t have too many facts on the topic of racism, while there may be some, they are always going to be considered distorted by the person on the other side of the argument. If I told you that 50% of blue-eyed 80 year-old southpaws with enlarged prostates, and a blood sugar .0007 milliliters higher than average, who live in suburbs of Tallahasee voted democratic in the last presidential election what would that information do for you? Facts, while important, are not as important as significant truth- and as truth is subjective- good luck finding comprehensive, objective, quantifiable truth in many arguments that proves your case, or disproves another’s, for your opponent will bastardize “your” numbers and make you each look like pimps.
“Edit” (eeedit): Archie Bunker is probably the most famous racist and I instantly think of him in connection with this topic. I did a google search for: “famous racists”. The search engine returned articles on Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond, William Rehnquist, Michael Richards and Mel Gibson. The list seems a little incomplete for my taste. I think Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan are noticeably absent. Hey, the former five have too many strikes against them to save them from being considered racists, but so should the latter three. Farrahkan was one of the major draws at an event called “The Million Man March” that protested the result of the 2004 congressional elections- which only allowed black men to participate. And Sharpton and Jackson, if you haven’t been paying attention, bookend the volume of black citizens supposed to have been slighted, in one manner or another, and outlandishly support them in a manner that is bon-a-fide criminal . . . and racist I might add. Jackson and Sharpton actually believe what they think. That make sense? Believe what they think? Yes, that is what I mean- even if it does sound like a Yogi Berra line from an Aflac commercial.
I would rather: . . . befriend a bi-sexual camel with a speech impediment . . . have a mannequin fetish. . . be cursed with scurvy in space dodging meteorites with cut outs of an ex-wife who moved to Wichita thirty-five years ago . . . deliver sushi on my buttocks to Elton John’s dressing room while he and his domestic partner are on a “break” . . . have my ears bled by having “author” Gloria Estefan read me her pathetic excuse for a children’s book . . . suffer a groin injury more serious than Marion Gaborik's by attempting to bite off the calluses from my big toe than to incessantly hear any more charges of racism against anyone. We clearly need to take the right to be offended away from anyone whose litmus test for being offended is the equivalent of claiming ones toe was stubbed on a doggy chew toy.
The numbers don’t lie: Oh hell, I can’t cite a percentage of people who are racist or who have made a racist charge- or more difficult still- think racist thoughts. Proving this is difficult and is better left to the court of public opinion- which is where the OJ trial should have been conducted. The number of black NFL head coaches in 2006 was less than 20% and praising the firing of Denny Green, which further reduces the percentage, isn’t racist; the number of black owners, athletic directors, and general managers is terribly small in comparison to the percentage of athletes participating in major sports- no numbers will look good here. A recent tv commercial tells that 40,000 deaths were linked to second-hand smoke in the past year- do you think that tobacco companies and smokers would agree with that number? Do you think companies who make a serious prophet from the production and use of emission fuels would support the numbers about average temperatures going up, polar ice-caps melting and El Nino when those numbers are in connection with the likelihood that the era of global warming is upon us because of these emission fuels? No, they would simply hire a company to skew the numbers their way.
Here I would have addressed the socio-economic disparity between poor and rich as the larger issue- Janus has told me to focus on the notion of racist charges rather than to open up another can of worms.
Some racist observations- Whites have not had exclusionary million man marches comprised of only white men. After a basket-brawl last month in New York, Knicks player Steve Francis mentioned that the amount of coverage following the brawl was racist. More than 75% of the NBA is comprised of blacks. No one cares what you have to say about suspected racially motivated NEWS coverage when multiple BLACK men desire to beat the living hell out of each other- when you are paid to throw a ball through a metal ring- you don't have any respectible perpective. Blacks have their own television channel- BET; whites do not. When a white leader criticizes the leadership and demeanor of its own race (just as Bill Cosby did against his own race) he/she is not called an Uncle Tom. There is a Miss Black USA pageants- there are not Miss White USA pageants. Hell, when Ted Danson dressed in black-face, it was racist . . . even though a black woman comedian, and his girlfriend at the time, (Whoopi Goldberg) advised him to do so. The result was more unfunny and pathetic than it was racist. Hey, when was the last time a white person was spotted on the WB? The Yehti is more accessible. I would delve into topics such as affirmative action policies, racial profiling quibbles, the affront that is minority hiring practices in major college and professional sports, Rush Limbaugh’s thoughts on Donovan Mcnabb, Jackie Robinson specifically and the breaking of the color barrier in pro sports generally, slavery reparations, Muhammed Ali's war with the US government, the possibility of Colin Powell ever running for president and the use of colored drinking fountains well into the 1960s, but I don’t have the space to trot out someone’s idea of numerical, statistical legitimacy.
McMonkey McBean: I believe this is what McBean would have said- had the Sneetches all been comfortable with their star-belly status- whereby, he would not have been able to make money-
Those darn Sneetches are too comfortable here-
I cannot approach them on the beach it is clear,
For they seem too content with their star-belly status
So I’ll have to find out where the cat in the hat is.
I’ll change him- I hope he is not like these Sneetches.
For all of these Sneetches are just sons-of-a-beaches.
The cure for Racism: Here is the simple solution- the panacea- to use one of Janus' words- white thugs- continue to buy the cds of black rappers so that they’ll eventually discover that white kids are the people financially supporting them; black men and women- stop saying that everyone and everything is racist- cement, manilla folders, sheets of paper, etc- it is hard for these things to defend themselves- hmmm. Paracelsus, a Swiss alchemist and physician mentioned that- the dose makes the poison. This means that the amount of something can be harmful- so, while three Tylenol can cure a headache, 50 could kill you. I just mean that you take away impact, for the dose- the number of times the charge of racism is used will eventually, (one can hope) minimize the effect. So, it renders a legitimate charge meaningless, and even I do not wish it to be so. In short, slighted blacks cry wolf far too often. Along with that, let us also punish Liberal apologists who metaphorically had the stars removed from their bellies long ago- stop bending over backwards to legitimize bogus racist charges! The liberals are like the attorneys who will take any case if it offers them the chance to cash in whether it be monetarily or conscience-clearing (thinking slavery reparations here) for something their neighbor's great-great-great-grandfather might have done. Case in point- an attorney took the case on behalf of the black strippers who concocted the idea they were raped by three white Duke lacrosse players. I believe that attorney might be facing charges that could lead to his disbarment. Apparently, as Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are not in prison- being a prick is not a crime- not even when you're a black racist.
After having written this, as a white man, I can’t prove I’m not a racist; but, as a black man, after reading it you may have just as much to prove.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Sneetches and Racism
Howdy- I’m your guest columnist Seymour Correctly-
When Janus told me he once wrote a paper in college concerning the concept of moral relativism and quoted Jiminy Cricket (“always let your conscience be your guide”) I figured I could get away with this when he asked me to be a guest columnist for this week. So here goes-
Sylvester McMonkey McBean: is the capitalist from Dr. Seuss’s most underrated story- “The Sneetches”. He is the chappie who comes in to put on and take off stars from the Sneetches at such a feverous pace that the snobbish star-bellies and down-trodden Sneetches who initially had “no stars upon thars” are left to wonder who is supposed to be a favored Sneetch.
On Americans and Sneetches: Similarly- I began to wonder long ago who in this country is supposed to be considered favored- as a star-bellied Sneetch equivalent. The only real difference between the Sneetches and Americans is that our distinctive mark is the color of our skin, rather than a star on our tummies. What about metabolism? one might say. Now, the average American is very overweight and similarly, the Sneetches all look like 45 year old men who’ve been playing too much Texas hold ‘em. Maybe the Sneetches just have a terrible metabolism- or perhaps, just as we do, the Sneetches like fried foods, eating after 8 pm, and in-between meals. Ok then- the biggest similarity is that we carry our inferiority complexes around in our brains just as they did. I’ll try not to get psychological- I’ll leave that to Republican Bob and Janus- they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about anyway. Besides- I could get very psychological about an even less well-known Seuss story- “Too Many Daves” but only if Janus asks me back.
Blue Eyes vs. Brown Eyes: Jane Elliot, a school teacher conducted a famous experiment in 1968. Her experiment was to treat the children in her classroom who had blue eyes differently than those with brown- and what do you know, a combative mentality was created that pitted those with brown eyes against those with blue. Funny though, I see that Seuss’ Sneetch book preceded that experiment by about 7 years. No matter- we have people stealing ideas and profiting from them all the time in this country- just a month ago my wife bought me a Tony Dorsett figure on ebay for Christmas from a woman who bought a Mcfarlane replica, painted it to look like Dorsett and is selling them for at least double the price. The whole plot of the movie "Cars" was completely pilfered from an early 1990s movie starring Michael J. Fox- "Doc Hollywood".
My point? Racism: We have a major issue with racism in this country that is only going to get worse because this country’s borders aren’t secure. But, as I’ve read that the immigration issue has already been addressed by Republican Bob, I’ll focus on a more traditional racial problem- that of Blacks vs. Whites. Some people think (and by some people I mean blacks) that you have to have power to be a racist. Well, as slavery and the societal meltdown of the 1960s have been over for quite some time, and as I only buy things at half price- that seems like a marked up product of ignorance. Racism is about ignorance. Are there whites mistreating blacks? Absolutely!- (and I use exclamation marks sparingly). But there are blacks mistreating whites as well. Case in point- continually testing the tolerance and intelligence of whites by laboriously trotting out the racism card. No one wins the hand when that card is played. Just as Sylvester McMonkey McBean knew- “They never will learn. No. You can’t teach a Sneetch!” But can you teach an American?
A hoped for result: Hopefully one day- a black man will be called a racist- by a white man, and the majority of black men and women will agree with the charge. The charge of racism should be considered a misdemeanor and not punishable by a career death sentence; there are far too many black hypocrites walking around leveling the charge of racism against anyone they see speaking against their actions or their speech however justified the criticism might be. After a charge of racism from a black person, the result ought to be a set of shrugged soldiers and an air of indifference never seen before, not a continually fostered mentality of liberal-sponsored apology reparations where the accuser maintains a carte-blanche activism stranglehold on racial morality. If a man is a racist it is often a matter of public opinion, but the idea of labeling a black person as a racist has been one of those off the menu topics like sex, religion and politics at the dinner table. This has to change.
Play That Race Card: If racism were a medication, meant to cure the ills unleashed upon a black man- it would be the equivalent of taking smarties nasally for alleviating the pain of knee surgery. Ah, meaning . . . it wouldn’t do any good. Well, it works fine for black men and women who play it more often than their favorite single in the CD player- “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” from the movie- Hustle and Flow. Using the “R” word minimizes any logical discussion about the topic of race relations because it puts the accused on trial instantly and their time is then spent defending themselves rather than continuing to point out things that might be true. Because let us be honest, there are just as many black racists as white ones. It is funny, but the word never seems to lose its cache. You would think that our collective reaction to the word by now would be complete immunity, sobriety, that we would have built up a tolerance by now because of how often we hear it used; I'll have more on this if there is a next time. It appears that blacks think that whites have stars on their bellies and have no need for the services of Mr. Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
New Year’s Resolutions: 1) Read more Seuss 2) stop taking someone else’s medication 3) never again cut my own hair 4) stop repaying debts in food stamps 5) don’t get involved in conversations with an Italian where body hair is the subject 6) stop referring to blacks as African-Americans- they are the star-bellied Sneetches of America, for their mindset is not to be questioned, their sense of inferiority is left unadressed, unremedied, unchecked and for that I will un-African their Americanness.
Janus’ Note-
Next time: I have spoken with Seymour and have invited him to continue this topic next week- as it is a biggie. He has told me he will provide further racist observations.
When Janus told me he once wrote a paper in college concerning the concept of moral relativism and quoted Jiminy Cricket (“always let your conscience be your guide”) I figured I could get away with this when he asked me to be a guest columnist for this week. So here goes-
Sylvester McMonkey McBean: is the capitalist from Dr. Seuss’s most underrated story- “The Sneetches”. He is the chappie who comes in to put on and take off stars from the Sneetches at such a feverous pace that the snobbish star-bellies and down-trodden Sneetches who initially had “no stars upon thars” are left to wonder who is supposed to be a favored Sneetch.
On Americans and Sneetches: Similarly- I began to wonder long ago who in this country is supposed to be considered favored- as a star-bellied Sneetch equivalent. The only real difference between the Sneetches and Americans is that our distinctive mark is the color of our skin, rather than a star on our tummies. What about metabolism? one might say. Now, the average American is very overweight and similarly, the Sneetches all look like 45 year old men who’ve been playing too much Texas hold ‘em. Maybe the Sneetches just have a terrible metabolism- or perhaps, just as we do, the Sneetches like fried foods, eating after 8 pm, and in-between meals. Ok then- the biggest similarity is that we carry our inferiority complexes around in our brains just as they did. I’ll try not to get psychological- I’ll leave that to Republican Bob and Janus- they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about anyway. Besides- I could get very psychological about an even less well-known Seuss story- “Too Many Daves” but only if Janus asks me back.
Blue Eyes vs. Brown Eyes: Jane Elliot, a school teacher conducted a famous experiment in 1968. Her experiment was to treat the children in her classroom who had blue eyes differently than those with brown- and what do you know, a combative mentality was created that pitted those with brown eyes against those with blue. Funny though, I see that Seuss’ Sneetch book preceded that experiment by about 7 years. No matter- we have people stealing ideas and profiting from them all the time in this country- just a month ago my wife bought me a Tony Dorsett figure on ebay for Christmas from a woman who bought a Mcfarlane replica, painted it to look like Dorsett and is selling them for at least double the price. The whole plot of the movie "Cars" was completely pilfered from an early 1990s movie starring Michael J. Fox- "Doc Hollywood".
My point? Racism: We have a major issue with racism in this country that is only going to get worse because this country’s borders aren’t secure. But, as I’ve read that the immigration issue has already been addressed by Republican Bob, I’ll focus on a more traditional racial problem- that of Blacks vs. Whites. Some people think (and by some people I mean blacks) that you have to have power to be a racist. Well, as slavery and the societal meltdown of the 1960s have been over for quite some time, and as I only buy things at half price- that seems like a marked up product of ignorance. Racism is about ignorance. Are there whites mistreating blacks? Absolutely!- (and I use exclamation marks sparingly). But there are blacks mistreating whites as well. Case in point- continually testing the tolerance and intelligence of whites by laboriously trotting out the racism card. No one wins the hand when that card is played. Just as Sylvester McMonkey McBean knew- “They never will learn. No. You can’t teach a Sneetch!” But can you teach an American?
A hoped for result: Hopefully one day- a black man will be called a racist- by a white man, and the majority of black men and women will agree with the charge. The charge of racism should be considered a misdemeanor and not punishable by a career death sentence; there are far too many black hypocrites walking around leveling the charge of racism against anyone they see speaking against their actions or their speech however justified the criticism might be. After a charge of racism from a black person, the result ought to be a set of shrugged soldiers and an air of indifference never seen before, not a continually fostered mentality of liberal-sponsored apology reparations where the accuser maintains a carte-blanche activism stranglehold on racial morality. If a man is a racist it is often a matter of public opinion, but the idea of labeling a black person as a racist has been one of those off the menu topics like sex, religion and politics at the dinner table. This has to change.
Play That Race Card: If racism were a medication, meant to cure the ills unleashed upon a black man- it would be the equivalent of taking smarties nasally for alleviating the pain of knee surgery. Ah, meaning . . . it wouldn’t do any good. Well, it works fine for black men and women who play it more often than their favorite single in the CD player- “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” from the movie- Hustle and Flow. Using the “R” word minimizes any logical discussion about the topic of race relations because it puts the accused on trial instantly and their time is then spent defending themselves rather than continuing to point out things that might be true. Because let us be honest, there are just as many black racists as white ones. It is funny, but the word never seems to lose its cache. You would think that our collective reaction to the word by now would be complete immunity, sobriety, that we would have built up a tolerance by now because of how often we hear it used; I'll have more on this if there is a next time. It appears that blacks think that whites have stars on their bellies and have no need for the services of Mr. Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
New Year’s Resolutions: 1) Read more Seuss 2) stop taking someone else’s medication 3) never again cut my own hair 4) stop repaying debts in food stamps 5) don’t get involved in conversations with an Italian where body hair is the subject 6) stop referring to blacks as African-Americans- they are the star-bellied Sneetches of America, for their mindset is not to be questioned, their sense of inferiority is left unadressed, unremedied, unchecked and for that I will un-African their Americanness.
Janus’ Note-
Next time: I have spoken with Seymour and have invited him to continue this topic next week- as it is a biggie. He has told me he will provide further racist observations.
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