. . . ROTJ

What's wrong with:

STAR WARS

The Return of the Jedi

1) Shocking. 4 bad white guys fly Vader's shuttle to the Death Star conducted into the landing spot by 4 other bad white guys checking a clearance code. Bad guys could only be white, in 1983 and 2017. Not giving this a defect for retroactive legacy use of white guys to be evil just because 34 years later, those running the "Disney years" of this franchise still haven't figured it out.

Severe
2) A little short-staffed at Jabba's palace. 2 droids feel the resistance of a security guard the size of a light bulb attached to a rod the length of a cane and get 40 yards into the dirt hallway before they're greeted by Bib Fortuna who probably deserved a promotion to General Hux's position years ago.
     Similar to the "Falcon parking so closely to the super-fuel" argument from Solo . . . if I'm Jabba the Hutt and Han Solo cost me that much money, both initially for dropping his cargo at the first sight of the Empire, and I've had to pay multiple bounty hunters, including Greedo and Boba Fett to name just a couple . . . why, once I have finally obtained Solo in carbonite, would I retain a skeleton crew security detail? This would be like Captain Ahab splitting one harpoon amongst two whalers on a sea voyage to kill the white whale Moby Dick.
     And, and, aaaaaand, why, once I have seen that two droids, and Princess Leia, dressed as a bounty hunter, traipse right into within feet of me, as overlord of that part of the universe, or at least the planet, wouldn't I employ more security to guard such a valuable possession? Plus, R2 played the hologram message of Luke, advertising himself as a Jedi, and claiming friendship with Captain Solo; why would I ignore the warning given me by an adversary? Why wouldn't I make it 1/10th more difficult for a Jedi to rescue his friend as it was for 8 guys to save Private Ryan?
     When Luke tried the mind control, Jabba claimed bullshit. Huh. It seems like that should have worked.

3) Once we see Jabba for the first time after 2 films of waiting, it was well worth the wait. This further accentuates how horrible a decision it was to videoshop him into a pre-escape Mos Eisley scene and treat him like a child who has asked for a PS4 the last two years without result. FYI- not aware of a droid in the Star Wars cannon named PS-4. But, that ain't a bad cross-marketing opportunity.

4) Salacious Crumb is a fitting sidekick. That laughing little gremlin would be a Porg's worst nightmare.

Low
5) The special edition lengthened version of the song is a little much.

6) Boba Fett is working, on at least a menage, with a couple of ladies. This was his last chance to get some alien booty before his coming death. #sad. Also, I'm surprised Lando, the supposedly closet pansexual (thinking of the Solo criticism) isn't jealous . . . of the ladies. Boba Fett, in Mandalorian armor, is quite a catch.

7) The negotiation between Leia dressed as a bounty hunter and Jabba over the price she's willing to accept for turning over the Wookie, is more in line with how someone as notorious as Jabba would handle things. Leia gets $15k more by threatening to use a thermal detonator; Han used charm in Star Wars, to buy time from Jabba in the Star Wars special edition. Maybe this pansexual thing is a pandemic and Jabba was bitten by it, maybe actually bitten by it, maybe by one of his slave girls. Dude is into some kinky stuff- slave costumes and chains. Just sayin'.

8) Hey, where did Luke and crew park their ships? Right next to Jabba's palace. Hell no, they made it slightly less difficult to get to Jabba's palace as it is to find a spot within hiking distance of the Home Depot. If Luke were a handicapped, pregnant veteran, he could get mighty lucky and not have to haul paint and weed killer back to his X-Wing. Instead, he has to listen to 3PO bitch about his chores.
     Note: This one is a complement. The creatives thought it might make more sense to have the heroes park at a distance from their objective that would not arouse suspicion. Never mind that there isn't anyone on Jabba's payroll around to be suspicious- see #2.

Medium

9) Again with putting Han and Chewie in the same cell? Is there some gene in this a long time ago galaxy far far away that precludes the characters from constructing multiple cells, that aren't right next to each other? Is the metal, rock or stucco used to construct them too rare, or cost too much money? Are contractors in such short supply? Are contractors harder to deal with than they are in our world? That is hard to believe.
     Han and Chewie were united in a cell in ESB and the crew from Rogue One were held in adjoining cells. I bring up the latter one because of convenience. The Rogue One crew wasn't a thing yet, so the captors had no reason for thinking those outlaws were connected (thinking of the pilot and the three who are in one cell). Still, the three were put into one cell after being captured together. All this is to say, it is a plot convenience. It is a too fortunate event, and just one among many in the series. I do not enjoy the happy accidents of limited confinement options, because it is creative laziness and only serves to advance the story.

10) It was wise to not show the Rancor the first time someone was dispatched into its clutches. Thankfully, Lucas didn't go back into the special edition ESB and show them roaming free on Dagobah making friends with the creature that tried to swallow R2 whole after the X-Wing landed. Visually, this many years later, Jabba still holds up. However, the Rancor looks like one step beyond the special effects from the 1933 King Kong movie.

11) Carrie Fischer's abs. Personally, I prefer both the catholic school girl outfit and the librarian look to the slave girl outfit, but I have nothing against smoldering tight hot princesses on a chain.

12) Enhanced Sarlaac with the Venus flytrap head is an improvement. Makes it less impersonal. I mean that.

High
13) Boba Fett got only another 25 minutes of screen presence in this movie and his only line was a yelp as he fell hopelessly into the pit.

Medium
14) "Pass on what you have learned." "There is another Skywalker." Is Yoda telling him to teach the other Skywalker? And if so, why doesn't he do it? And if Yoda knew that Luke was not their only hope, why wouldn't Obi-Wan, Luke or Yoda have sought out Leia to increase the chances of toppling the Empire? I think Lucas read Joseph Campbell a few too many times.

High (at least)
15) Did they build a Death Star with about the same flaw as the first one? That a small fighter plane can penetrate the outer defenses to strike a fatal blow into a small window to set off a chain reaction sending the Death Star into a few million pieces is foolish. Here again is the giant evil the heroes must overcome. Man, the empire is compensating for something. After the first one exploded, years prior, maybe touch up on the defense system a bit.

Medium
16) So 1 ship with an old clearance code gets permission to land on Endor and dozens of rebel soldiers are already there? On the far side of the planet you say? The Empire has no shortage of Stormtroopers who can't shoot straight, as long as they can operate a phone they could warn the Emperor et al that Storm troopers who aren't knocked down by a pebble, or who passed sharpshooting school, should be sent. There are Stormtroopers that passed some kind of weapons training, right?

17) The speeder bike scene is 1/7th the length of the pod race. Enough said.

Critical

18) Ewoks! I've been told that boys at a certain age when the movie came out either loved or hated the Ewoks. That cut-off was probably about 10 years old. I was 12 when ROTJ came out. I hate those little sonsa bitches.

High
19) The Empire puts maybe 500 troopers of one kind or another on Endor, the planet they used to house the shield generator, and didn't reinforce it after the Emperor learned the rebellion had a plan of how to disable it. Given the noteworthy and comparable decision-making incompetence, Jabba would have made a good slug soldier in the Empire.

Critical- yeah, I already gave it a critical. I'm giving it another one.
20) In retrospect, half the time the Ewoks are on screen, isn't the worst thing I've seen in the history of movies. But the scenes where that little bastard is riding the bike, and where they're tossing rocks and poking sticks at what are supposed to be trained soldiers, its, its . . .  unforgivable. I've triggered myself. Plus, they stole the chant from the wicked witch's guards near the end of The Wizard of Oz.
     To this point in the franchise, Lucas had delivered an A- (Star Wars) and an A (The Empire Strikes Back). Until the Ewoks are besting the Stormtroopers, ROTJ was probably at least an A-. I've got only 7 total defects through half the movie before the first midget in a bear costume shows up.

Holy lord (not really a severity type- I just don't know what to do with this one anymore)
21) Han: "I've got a bad feeling about this" as he's bound hands and feet to a tree limb about to be placed over an open fire. If you don't have a bad feeling, you're still under the effects of carbonite. Maybe Lucas was under the effects of carbonite when he thought this line was something he should include in every film. This line is more overused than "Oh my god, they killed Kenny." from every episode of South Park. At least, I think that line is in every episode of South Park. I wouldn't know, I stopped watching that show in the 90s. Still, Cartman would also make a good Stormtrooper.

Low
22) Leia tells Luke that somehow she's always known he was her brother. Sophocles would be proud.

Severe
23) The Emperor learned nothing from Tarkin, who, when given the chance to leave the first Death Star, abstained and was obliterated for it. Luke was right, the Emperor's overconfidence was his weakness. When Luke and Vader first enter the throne room, the Emperor commands his guards to leave him. What is it with these bad guys? Never surrounding themselves with enough support, even when it is available, they dismiss it.
     Emperor: "An entire legion of my best troops awaits [Luke's pitiful band of friends]."
     Seriously? It's as if the Stormtroopers have been shooting blanks since the Clone Wars ended, or the Emperor has never had one meeting with a general who could have told him who to send to Endor, or life in the Empire is a perpetual Halloween where the guys inside those suits have been dressing up every day instead of once a year. I could make a gun right now out of cardboard I can't reach and do more damage than the Emperor's best troops.
     Finally, the Empire has enough soldiers per rebel prisoner and the professional soldiers lose to a flock of well-groomed pudgy schnauzers who wear all kinds of things on their heads but have the fashion sense of your average claymation sheep.

Low

24) When Luke turns the second time and force calls his light saber into his hands, he doesn't time it right. He turns, then a second passes; he extends his arms, which seem damn near close enough just to grab the thing from the Emperor's arm rest, another second passes, and then the light saber jumps to Luke's hands. I thought the same thing when the timing of R2 shooting Luke's light saber to him on the skiff above the Sarlaac was a little off; right when he does his flip, and lands, that weapon has to be in his hand. Whether this defect is due to choreography, film editing, the idea that the Emperor would delay the saber from being obtained by Luke, or R2 miscalculates the trajectory of a metal weapon in desert air, both instances seem clunky.

Severe
25) One Ewok is shown to have probably died in the battle for Endor. Can we see one limping around, one that maybe got the sun in its eyes, something, anything? A sliver? I get that Lucas wanted to sell toys and appeal to kids, but he jumped the god-damned shark here. This was the beginning of the end of his credibility. The first two prequel trilogy movies, TPM and AOTC are campy in the same way that all the Batman movies in the 90s are hard to take seriously. Keaton and Nicholson are great and Michelle Pfeifer's butt-cheeks inside of the leather Cat Woman outfit are nothing to hiss at, but other than that . . . So anyway, seeing more Ewoks die would have been the least you could do for us Lucas.
     "Why . . . why" think Nancy Kerrigan's cry after Harding's boyfriend took her out at the knees, couldn't Lucas have gone with having the battle for the Endor shield generator be fought between Wookies and something resembling the guys from Hogan's Heroes.

Severe
26) Looks like I have some kind of theme going here. But the manner in which the Stormtroopers are defeated, by bear midgets beating them with tree limbs, and throwing medium sized boulders at them is even more embarrassing than the troopers in Star Wars that couldn't hit a 7 foot Wookie in a 6 foot hallway with several hundred attempts. The troopers on Endor should try to get onto some kind of world cup soccer team because they are good at looking like they were shot by an elephant gun when they were poked in the shoulder by a twig. Yellow Card!

High
27) So, we went from one of the best villains (Darth Vader) in the history of film (in ESB) because of his menacing strength and omnipresence to a veritable cripple. Luke and Vader fight for maybe two minutes in front of the Emperor. Vader is overwhelmed, falls down and has his hand cut off. ROTJ is only a few months, in real time, after ESB. Luke, Leia, Lando and Chewie weren't looking for Han for years. And the passage of time from the beginning of the movie and the end is, again, maybe a couple days- remember, because Lucas can only tell a story in 2 day intervals every 3 years. How did the most feared villain (along with Hannibal Lecter and Heath Ledger's Joker) in movie history turn into a Cylon (ala Battlestar Galactica) statuesque in the agility department?
     This is typical also- a highly anticipated fight scene, cut short. I've referenced a half-dozen battles, at least, in the course of this set of movie reviews that ended very prematurely- Grievous and Kenobi (AOTC), Dooku and Kenobi and Anakin (AOTC), Windu et al v. the Emperor (ROTS), Boba Fett into the Sarlac pit and on and on.

28) Adding young Anakin as a force ghost back in at the end of the movie isn't the end of the world. We saw that version of Anakin in two movies and his predecessor in another one. We saw the older version of Anakin for three on screen minutes and we had it burned into our memories from 1983 to whenever Lucas re-edited ROTJ. I don't even care to research when that was, given the iterative meddling Lucas has done. Like Neil Page (Steve Martin) complained in Planes, Trains and Automobiles, you people need to "pick and choose." He was referring to Dell Griffith's (John Candy's) anecdotes. I'm referring to fanboy, elitist protectionists of the original versions of the films, especially when the changes are improvements. Nope, I'm not an elitist protectionist, as I've called out as many good things as bad, in 8 other posts on the overall What's Wrong With topic.

29) Addition of cities and planets enjoying the demise of the Empire with fireworks and celebrations also not a bad inclusion.

Medium
30) Lame Ewok dancing. He made the end of the trilogy seem like the last minute of a news cast where the two anchors, the sports guy and weather lady are all the best of friends about to open a bottle of merlot after reporting on violence, incompetence and degradation of private citizens and elected officials for 22 minutes.

Deleted scenes:

Vader attempts to communicate with Luke through the galaxy and the latter is in a cave activating his lightsaber, seemingly receiving Vader's interstellar communication and then Luke dispatches 3P0 and R2 to Jabba's lair. They should have left that in. This scene does 2 things:
     a) it reveals an attempted communication between a father and son and an initial plotting of Vader to bring Luke in to fight with him against the Emperor, which aligns with what happens at the end of the movie.
     b) it shows a Jedi, virtually alone with his thoughts, his father in his head, spending quality time with his weapon, hermited in a cave about to attempt to rescue his friends. What this isn't is a spaceship landing next to a valuable superfuel resource (as in Solo) where attention is drawn, or should be drawn, to a ship given its proximity to what should be a protected area, Jabba's home.

Scene after Jabba's barge is destroyed and Boba Fett is fed to the Sarlaac, where the heroes have to struggle to get back to their ships amid a sandstorm. The only part of that scene that could have been included, unless there were something else to overcome, besides the storm, was Han and Luke connecting after the successful rescue.

I had mentioned the whole Battle for Endor was pretty ridiculous, so anything prolonging it would have been foolish. This creative crew seemed ill-equipped to make it more interesting. A skirmish for control of the control room on Endor could have worked, but none of what I saw should have been included in the movie. The Storm troopers piled up on top of each other as the rebels shot them at will. In the agility department, the troopers reminded me of the mincing steps of the sleestack from Land of the Lost. In fact the Sleestack were more menacing with their hissing and alien goonishness, than were the Storm troopers with loaded blasters and seemingly unlimited ammunition.

The last deleted scene I saw was about some empire commander's inner turmoil, but the sound was bad and I don't know if he's supposed to be conflicted about blowing up Endor or constipated because he hasn't had enough water.


CinemaSins:
Not sure having to read a prelude, or that Jabba smoking green swamp heroin is a sin. Droids having feeling in their feet is legitimate.

C-3PO rhetorically asking "what has come over master Luke?" doesn't mean he is too smart not to understand, but he's subordinate to Luke. Underlings can question all kinds of things their superiors decide, in inter-galactic prisoner re-acquisition and how to distribute resources on a project. 3PO can comply and complain at the same time.

All kinds of appropriate sins with Luke not having his lightsaber, trying to mind trick Jabba in a different language, Luke couldn't possibly know . . .

The "sin" about Luke not having the inclination to attempt to mind control the Rancor doesn't count. George wasn't able to keep Lennie (from Steinbeck's classic novella "Of Mice and Men") from squeezing the life out of rabbits, puppies or the boss' wife. You can't reason with those without minds or minds that emotionally or morally underdeveloped. It's like trying to plug a USB into a coaxial cable outlet; and that is being kind.

Reasonable sin- Han just got out of carbon freeze and doesn't object when Luke proposes a plan which involves Lando on their side. The last interaction between Lando and Han is when the latter is double-crossed by the former and frozen in carbonite. Han showing no negative reaction to Lando's name being brought up is a bit of a problem.

There are all kinds of legitimate issues to be found in the continued reluctant disclosure to Luke, by Obi-Wan and Yoda, about Luke's genesis. Other than to say that subtopic has been a mess dating back to Star Wars when Obi-Wan first brings it up, I'm not interested in enumerating them, but my guess is there are 8-10 things that don't make sense, from phrasing, to timing, to keeping secrets.

Calls out that the cuteness of Ewoks is the reason Jar Jar exists. I think we covered that topic.

I missed, but CinemaSins catches that 3PO's programming is inconsistent- that he vacillates between George Washington's "I cannot tell a lie" and Tommy Flanagan-style lying his ass off about being a god.

Luke is powerful, per Vader, and talented with potential, according to the Emperor. We've seen very little evidence of that. The Matrix's Neo, teased us with that kind of untapped potential but he eventually was able to deliver. We don't see Luke's potential/power until shortly before he force-ghosts himself to death in TLJ 34 years after he's given credit for his abilities.

Many more legitimate CinemaSins for this movie than there were for ESB. The last of which is this Catch-22. Luke must face and defeat or turn Vader, but he might have to be aggressive and violent to do so. Hugging it out won't work. If he gets violent and aggressive, this might insight Vader to defend the Emperor, but he can't beat Vader and the Emperor without "giving in" and being violent enough. So, he either has to stand there and die, or fight and be turned. Somehow though, Luke plays victim enough to force Vader into defending him and killing the Emperor.
     I'm still contending that the logic of the final showdown is flawed- Luke's execution is remarkable. And in this way, he kind of achieves what Kirk did in the first Star Trek movie reboot from a few years ago.
     Luke takes an impossible situation that his elders on both sides, Vader and the Emperor, as well as Obi-Wan and Yoda, have devised for him. That is the potential and power that all four of his elders have been fostering, concealing and beckoning. Unfortunately, something tells me that I just gave more thought to the enigma I've just described than the franchise's creator did.

. . . Solo

What's wrong with:

STAR WARS

Solo

Not having enough perspective from the first viewing, I paid money to see it a second time. As I had seen all of the others at least three times apiece, and a few of them as many as 30 times, the regression testing I did, was necessary. Regression testing, in software development, is when the functionality is moved to a different environment and reviewed again to see if you can uncover any other issues. In this case, I watched it with one fewer person, in a different theater and city, and not in a leather recliner.

High
1) This is going to come off as pretty pot calling the kettle black, but there is too much explanation on the screen to begin the movie. Not sure if those deciding to describe in words rather than in actions, and interactions, between characters, were influenced by Terminator or Blade Runner, but it is needless (and less necessary than in either of those movies). In fact, the treatment of the subject matter in Solo is more conducive to showing the world; we can get the idea of how valuable certain resources and commodities are by having the writer, director and actors/characters show us.

A couple lines sprinkled in the first thirty minutes of the movie, eliminates all that reading. And if that exposition is necessary, here is an idea, put it in a crawling, receding text that disappears into the stars. Fresh. I've seen that tactic employed somewhere before.

Also, Solo has a few characters more dynamic than many given enough screen time in either of those two sci-fi classics, to be able to pull off the exposition of the story without people needing to read.

Note: ironic, very little exposition in this review; it starts with a defect right out of the gate.

High
2) Over the top giant villain. The slug creature that emerges from some cesspool must have been a lot of fun for the special effects people to create. I see it as one more overdone freakishly large impediment. I’ll have another example below. Men in Black used a pug (think of Salacious Crumb- judge him by his size do you?) as an information source the audience never would have expected. Can’t we just have some alien in charge of the local syndicate that is like Snaggletooth, Max Rebo, etc.? We get it, this is a large galaxy, populated with a lot of freakishly unique creatures- but now your art and design people are just showing off. Why does it not occur to the creature creators to just recycle something like the changeling (bounty hunter Jango Fett hires from AOTC), the wolf creature from the Cantina scene in Star Wars, the six-eyed thing Han sits next to at the card game, or [insert your random alien species here from 1 of hundreds we’ve encountered, many of them in passing, in 10 movies to date]. 

Note: yes, Vincent Dinofrio's bug character considerably expands in size when it gets to the park with the trophy/statue ship he needs to escape with Orion's belt. The Star Wars franchise has had 10 shots at this. Use your universe people. The fans would be thrilled to see a female Bossk as a bad-ass crime syndicate boss. The word "boss" is already just right there.

For that matter, put one of the Clone soldiers in charge of something like that. We've now seen a Stormtrooper defect (Finn), and sometimes nature trumps nurture and a sixty-five year old clone soldier's wiring to propel it into a rogue position after having left the Empire, would be a welcome change.

Low
3) Han throws a rock through a window, which lets in a lot of light, which isn't appreciated, expected, or helpful, for the giant millipede. The complaint might be, why would a powerful villain even have a window in a room in which they live for fear of someone destroying it to let light in? Fair enough. However, Jabba doesn't expect someone to choke him with a chain; the New Order didn't expect Holdo to fire a space cruiser into them at light speed, and Snoke didn't anticipate Kylo Ren would turn and ignite a light saber into his midsection. I didn't expect Vader to get into a fighter plane instead of staying inside the womb of the death star in the original film.

People are unpredictable; the characters they play should be no less so. I'm not asking for each situation and outcome to be anticipated by the good and evil characters in any movie. These characters aren't actuaries. I'm asking for a certain level of consistency with a special influx of unpredictability and oversight under normal, and dire, circumstances. Villains in movies have always overlooked the potential resourcefulness of the hero. Can the creators make the audience believe the good v. evil interactions are realistic, when you factor in the precedents in the worlds they've created? Is the inherent suspension of disbelief willful and smartly attended to (as judged on different scales depending on if the subject matter is historic fiction, a present day crime drama, a farcical romantic comedy, or science fiction)?

The real question is, how, in a dingy hell-hole of a futuristic city, would a pane of glass still be completely intact? Why wouldn't there be a tarp, sheet, or boards in that space, in a city in complete disrepair, instead?

4) Stormtroopers detaining people both before and after Han and Kira go through the checkpoint shows us that many are still trying that method and perhaps still succeeding. Since Han and Kira are separated there, we see a little of both (Han gets out, Kira does not). Besides, showing multiple others in the midst of getting caught trying to flee is one of the reasons Han actually gets out. If all else was an orderly procession of people milling around a detention center escape point, while only two people were trying to sneak through, any one person escaping would have been less plausible.

Medium
5) Kissing. While Emilia Clarke is quite fetching, I don’t get the sense that Han has been away for years, months, or weeks when he returns with the super fuel. If he’d been gone three years, then I get it. But if I’m someone who just made a deal to get out of somewhere, and had in my possession the commodity that would get me out, I’m not kissing anyone, I’m getting into the fastest vehicle, and urging anyone I'm attracted enough to to kiss, to come with me quickly.

In Enemy at the Gates, Jude Law and some intoxicating filthy beauty have intercourse during a brief interlude of a sniper fight. It is a desperate exchange and perhaps both of them think that it is their due, given an overwhelming feeling of mortality, to enjoy sharing something with, and taking something from, another human being. If those two had an imminent hope of escaping their situation, they would have waited to bang until after their safety was assured. Han and Kira are not in that position. And ahem, since this is a Disney movie, they aren't in any position.

High
6) Han is separated from Kira while both are trying to escape. When I watched this a second time, I was convinced the complaint I'd heard about him caterwauling for too long after Kira had been caught, was legit. I don't think he turns around to see if his protests are drawing more attention.

7) For those skeptical about the psychic connection creatives and thinkers have with the number 3- here are two more examples- why would we have to advance 3 years in time? Why not 2, or 4? I am re-watching Breaking Bad, one of the top ten television shows of all time. In the first episode we start with an action scene showing the two main characters hysterically driving from something. Ok, we see one, because Jessie had been knocked out. But after the opening scene, we are brought to action 3 weeks earlier. Back to the main topic.

8) Solo- the name. I've heard criticism about how Han got his last name. Unless the creatives decide that Anakin's last name was granted by Darth Plagueis witnessing the procreation of a cloud and a star giving birth to the immaculately conceived child, I'm not considering how Han got his name a defect. Is it reminiscent of how Vito Corleone acquired his name in the 2nd Godfather movie (from the town he's from in Sicily)? Sure. But giving Solo a demerit because his last name wasn't his birth name, or because this scene doesn't stack up to something from the Godfather . . . Jesus people! Grow up. 


Medium
9) Woody Harrelson. I think he was underutilized. This isn't because he isn't on screen for enough of the film, but rather because he is such a good actor who plays a role that hundreds of other actors could have played. There isn't much pathos extracted from him generally, and not much specifically, when his love dies. I get the impression that Harrelson had to hold his talents in check so as not to distract from who is supposed to be the star like a brilliant guitarist who plays down so the singer can shine.

High
10) I get that Becket (Harrelson) is supposed to be a heartless bastard who can't trust anyone, a loner without a conscience, but when Val dies the movie spends less time with his grief than they do showing Han wailing about losing Kira at the checkpoint. This isn't the first time the creatives were off on the scale of sorrow.

High
11) Alden Ehrenreich- as Han Solo. Not bad. He's anxious to prove himself about twenty years before the only thing he had left to prove was that he was dutiful. So, we can forgive casting for finding someone that isn't an exact fit. I can envision Ehrenreich as Han about half the time. Casting didn't do as good a job finding a young Solo as those casting the Star Trek reboot did in finding young versions of Kirk, Spok, Bones, Scotty, Sulu and Checkov. Still, for all the pre-release hype about how horrible Ehrenreich was supposed to be, I certainly did not see that. Those who haven't seen this movie once because of all the bad hype are the same types of people who felt their only two options for president were Trump or Hillary. Seeing the movie, and not seeing it, are not the only two available options. Seeing it and being critical of a world you love, but giving reasons why it isn't a perfect world is an open-minded possibility.

I gave this a high defect because it is halfway between nothing and Critical. Couldn't those in charge of casting have found someone with a longer face? I'll admit this is a bit nitpicky, but Hollywood has found someone who looked incredibly close to JFK (Greg Kinnear) and made Gary Oldman look like Winston Churchill; Han Solo needs to look more like Harrison Ford and less like a version of Han Solo if only his head hadn't survived the trash compactor.

Also, Ehrenreich is 28 years old. Ford, in the original, was 34. I get that actors have been playing older and younger than their age for a couple thousand years in stage plays dating back to the Greeks, but I'm not buying that this is the version of Han 10-12 years before we see him for the first time in Mos Eisley. It isn't just the look, it's the feel. I had the same criticism of both Obi-Wan/Alec Guinness and Luke/Mark Hamill from Star Wars. They keep getting the passage of time wrong. When you factor in the desperado mentality Luke portrays in TLJ, they keep getting the feelings and motivations of the characters wrong as well.  

Note: Research yielded some guy's idea of all of the character's ages at various times during each of the movie's to date- http://www.yodasdatapad.com/ages.html. I don't know based on what authority some guy drunk in the basement of a pub in Boston came up with those opinions, but the chart considers that Solo occurs 10 years prior to A New Hope. There is no way that the Solo we just saw is only 10 years younger than the Solo in "A New Hope". That doesn't feel right. It feels like Han's debt to Jabba is older, and that his name "Solo" was given to him 20 years previously and not 13.

12) Han meeting Chewie. Nicely done. It was a great way to show how quickly they built trust and how Han knows what Chewie is saying. How anyone else ever knows what Chewie is saying is still a problem, which I'm willing to overlook until . . .

Medium
13) Also a problem is- how does Chewie know English and if he knows English, wouldn't he be able to understand what others were saying? If so, wouldn't he have demonstrated that understanding and not be incarcerated for being a beast, but for some other reason, like he's rebellious, or Wookies are known to be free-spirited?

Low
14) Lando a pansexual. I had to look up the word "pansexual" when I read rumors that Lando was said to be flirting with Han during the movie. I didn't see any evidence of that behavior and I have to admit my relief. Some of the comments justifying such a move were ridiculously topical and cliche- (i.e. it is time for representation in these movies for GLBT-type characters.) That may well be true. I wouldn't stop paying money to see a Star Wars movie just because an alternative lifestyle were represented, even if an endearing character like Lando were selected. I stopped paying any money at all to watch a Denzel Washington movie because he whined about there not being any good roles for black men. ?? He's been nominated, and won, Oscars and his IMDB resume is filled with well-respected acting credits. I don't think he's gone more than two years without a major motion picture credit, and he's one of the most bankable actors in the business. Also, I wouldn't pay money to watch or rent Spaceballs II and there aren't any black actors in that.

[Note: I had no idea there even was a Spaceballs 2, and there isn't, yet. And I only know that because I had to Google it to find out if there was; turns out there might be one on the way. I look forward to not watching it.]

Where I think Disney and Star Wars missed the opportunity, while still successfully making light of it in this general topic was, before I looked up "pansexual" I speculated that it might be a human's sexual proclivity toward a member of an alien race. And I thought that could be interesting if done right. The making light of it part was the female droid (L3-37) musing on a relationship between she and Lando. And the droid's disclosure to Kira was funny and well done.

15) Donald Glover- excellent call. That casting decision is right there with the Star Trek calls I mentioned above.

16) Millennium Falcon- that was an excellent casting decision, to put the Falcon in that role; it looks just like it did in the original. It loses another radar dish, or the first one we know it loses.

Medium
17) Lando too quickly puts something he's said to value that much (the Millennium Falcon) up in a card game.

Severe
18) Not one guard at the gates of the impound lot where the falcon is stored. I realize there is a homing beacon attached, but I'll get to that in a minute. Not one of those characters notices how easy it is to cut through a fence and get into an impound lot holding something with enough value to be impounded in the first place?

Severe
19) A homing beacon is attached to the Falcon. I can't fault Lucas for not foreseeing that Vader, when he pulled the same stunt 10-20 years later/in a film shot 40 years earlier, would not have had Han remember how they were tracked in this instance. After all, it occurs to Leia, in Star Wars, to consider that they are being tracked, and that the escape was too easy. Never mind the fact that despite it occurring to her that they're being tracked, she doesn't object to their flying directly to the rebel base.
     a) just like droids are a thing in this universe, homing beacons are a thing. Not considering the possibility of being tracked when the ease of your escape came at such a trifling price (it was free) is not something a set of pretty, to very, experienced scoundrels would overlook is pretty unforgivable.
     b) perhaps Han, in Star Wars, didn't consider the escape from the Death Star easy, because, in retrospect, his escapes have been more like those we see in Solo, where no resistance, instead of almost no resistance, is the norm. Yeah, that's more revisionism. This is a severe defect not because of (b) but because of (a).

Thing is, you can't survive in this universe without knowing about the reality of droids and homing beacons. Asking the audience to believe these characters are that gullible is embarrassing. One to three howls from Chewie about how easy it was to get the falcon, with Han offering a retort that tells the audience what Chewie said, would have been enough to minimize this defect.

Low
20) Becket and Lando keep calling Han "kid". Dude is 28. If you wanted your main character to be called kid, that pejorative isn't applicable to anyone who looks 25, or who is playing a character over 20.

21) Lando calls Han "baby" and Han returns the favor later on. These are both spoken as insults, not as two guys flirting with each other.

22) I had read that the woman who played L3-37, is given credit for being a scene stealer. In the theatre I viewed the movie in, there were some laughs derived from her revolutionary streak, but she’s really only in the action for about 30-40 minutes, 4-5 scenes. Chewbacca, Lando and Han seem to take turns stealing scenes. I think the idea of a scene stealing robot was revolutionary and hip for some critics, so they went with it. A robot leading a robot’s revolt and putting on airs about how she and Lando could have been a thing are pretty funny. Let’s not get carried away. The idea of having a female robot, ten movies into the franchise was an excellent call.

23) With Han and Kira on the Falcon, that is the time to get busy (reference to the preemptive kissing from above). C'mon Disney, if you're going to grace us with the onslaught of multiculturalism and enlighten us with pansexuality, let's see the cleavage you allowed the hottest of your cartoon Disney princesses (Beauty/Belle) to reveal. You've got the private quarters. It is time for the heat to go out on the falcon so we can see how cold it is in there.

Critical
24) Despite our knowing that the falcon had permission to land that close to such a valuable resource, the superfuel, the number of guards watching the ship, searching the ship, or boarding it to search it, is not anything that would happen in our world. When the start of the movie offers 2 paragraphs of text about the value of a commodity like Xanadu, a ship being tracked to that resource is too much of a threat not to be guarded more heavily.  The falcon sitting that close to the mines is like the Trojan horse. How do the guards know there aren't thirty bad-ass soldiers on board? It never occurred to the miners that someone would attempt to steal unrefined Xantham Gum/hyper-fuel?

25) Han kicks one of the guards in the nuts. How does he know that's where the alien's nuts are? In this universe we've seen creatures with four arms, six eyes, necks two feet long and three-breasted women. Wait, that was Total Recall. Even more, how do we know the guard even has nuts? It could be a female, or it could be a race that spawns the next generation out of tears.

Medium
26) With all the bullets being fired again, and the hero band is making their escape after stealing the unprocessed super fuel, to have only one casualty (L3-37) and one flesh wound- Lando's arm, from a band of 8 is better than all the movies to date. But, I still have to track it as a defect, because it isn't good enough, and amidst the firefight, the dynamite of that world was loaded onto a ship that wasn't inspected or guarded without one bit of it exploding. Giving it a medium because of the attempt at improvement in this area. If the next movie has more of this, the severity will be increased.

27) Plugging L3-37 into the Millennium Falcon to act as its brain, a brain C-3PO must deal with in ESB . . . Very good idea! Excellent! At this rate, with these one off's fixing the mistakes, oversights and overreaches from all of the creative's since the series' inception, I'll actually live to see the revisionism explain away all that embarrasses me when I declare that I am still a fan.

28) Tie Fighters and Star Destroyers- another good decision. No need to create yet another ship with which fans were unfamiliar. When I see things like X-Wings in RO and Tie Fighters, it makes me think of how cool it is to see 1920s Fords and 1957 Chevies driving down the road.

29) YT-1300- why no others around? Can we know why it is such a pile of junk? Was there a design flaw like there has been on many automobiles- the brakes don't work, having the heat on while the radio is running causes it to hesitate, not having the gas cap completely secured when the left turn signal is flashing causes it to burst into flames? It would be cool to see another YT-1300 out there.

Severe
30) The bad- that the big scary giant creature was even in the Kessel run. Can we just stop that whole business. If you're not sure what else to do, let's stick this monster in here to make the characters have to overcome something. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 had a big creature at the beginning and end of the movie, Ghostbusters, or Ghostbusters II had a giant marshmallow man . . . the Castle Crashers video game has you fight a giant boss to advance to each level, who would be no less menacing if given the same powers as the big boss and the same height of its enemies. If I cared to, I could crawl through the thousands of movies and movie sequels and give plenty of other examples.

31) The good- they didn't have a tentacle come from nowhere to latch onto the falcon right when the heroes and audience thought they had gotten past that. That is so old and best left to horror movies.

Medium
32) Why can't Dryden Vos be an alien character? Although, his boss is Darth Maul, a human-challenged species, so forgivable in some respects, but how about some interplay on the socioeconomic level the way Jabba treated his Gamorrean Guard and his green-skinned eye candy (before Princess Leia) by allowing each of them to be fed the Rancor monster.


33) On the topic of Darth Maul- nice call. Very nice call. Nice to see how many bosses, and overbosses there are. Of course, we can tell, despite it being a hologram that it isn't the Darth Maul from TPM. We'll get over it- it's Darth friggin' Maul!

Also- we see Han's dice, that made infrequent appearances throughout the films, Lando's mask from ROTJ; there is the hologram chess table, a reference to Bossk, and Mandalorian/Fett looking armor in the background of Vos' office.

34) Beyond all that above there is an allusion to Jabba (the job on Tatooine), which it is clear, would be the major story for the sequel so that more uber-fans can bitch about how that movie will check all the boxes. On that point, would I ever steer you wrong? This reference to Jabba is about as ominous as the card of the Joker that is handed to Batman at the end of "Batman Begins".

Disney- big mistake to decide that there doesn't need to be another Solo movie. The movie was good. Just because it didn't shatter box office records is no reason to not have a sequel to this prequel. Whether we have Star Wars fatigue, or a vocal minority of fans are boycotting Star Wars until you get your collective shit together, aren't good reasons to quit. Stall the franchise for a while. Bring out episode IX in 2020, after you've hired me to fix what your creatives are going to eff-up. 

The Star Wars DNA is dripping from my fingers, my brain and my imagination.  Where can I send my resume?